


Let's Get Through Today

by Al0homora



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Disability, M/M, Major Character Injury, Phanfiction, Recovery, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-05
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-16 09:59:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 61,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3484022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Al0homora/pseuds/Al0homora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's unexpected when it happens, and they're not sure how to cope, but they learn. There's an accident; that's what it was. An accident. And it changes their lives completely, possibly forever. A wrench is thrown into all their plans for the year, but time goes on, and all you can do is move along with it, and Phil will always be there for Dan when he needs it most, and along the way learns just how much he needs Dan right back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. December 31, 2014

New Years Eve 2014

When he emerges from the bathroom Phil is awake, propped up against his pillows and sipping at a cup of coffee with his macbook open in his lap. He is wearing one of Dan’s T-shirts and his hair is pushed back into a messy quiff that makes Dan recall the previous night and the mess they had both made of their hair and each other as he stands in the doorway fussing at his curling damp mop. It had been their first night back together after a week with their respective families, so they had taken full advantage of it.  
When Phil looks up from the screen, he’s wearing a pout that looks entirely too innocent for a man of 27 years old (nearly 28, Dan reminds himself).   
“What’s up?” He asks, abandoning his hair for the moment, and making his way to sit on the edge of the bed and view the screen over his boyfriend’s shoulder. Upon seeing what’s on the screen, he looks at Phil apprehensively. It’s Connor’s coming out video; something Dan had watched probably a dozen times over the past few weeks, but hadn’t yet discussed with Phil.

“Have you watched this?” Phil asks, and Dan nods. Phil knew he had; he had tweeted about it even.  
“Did you… know?”   
Dan nods again. “I mean, I guessed.”  
“I’m proud of him.”  
“Yeah,” Dan says, nodding again. “Me too.” He knows his voice sounds far away, but he can only guess what discussion Phil is trying to start here, and it terrifies him.

“We’ve got to get to Youtube soon,” Dan points out. Louise was in town, and they had promised weeks ago to do a collab video before they threw their New Years Eve party. He stands again, and shuffles over to the mirror— Dan’s mirror, still here in Phil’s room, balanced on the dresser next to the TV and begins to once again fuss with his hair, plugging in Phil’s straightener and hoping to avoid this topic all together. Phil has other plans though.

“Dan, when are we going to tell the internet? I mean, you know I’m okay with waiting until you’re ready, and honestly I’m not pressuring you, Its just, its kind of obvious already and we haven’t really talked about it in a couple of years. Not since… well, you know. The Video.”

The younger boy lets out a sigh, his eyes meeting Phil’s in the mirror. “I don’t know, Phil. I don’t know if I can just out and say it like Connor or Troye did. I mean, its more complicated with me… with us. My sexuality isn’t just black and white. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t necessary to have a label and that we could just publicly be together without causing a shit storm, but I know that’s not possible.”

“I mean, we could,” Phil points out. “Our families and close friends understand that we’re together for the long haul but don’t see each other as just boyfriends. Yeah it would cause a shit storm, but there are going to be mixed reactions either way, and its not like we’re going to stop being us over it. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me. We could just like, leave a kiss in a video or something and let it be done with.”

“Isn’t that kind of a cop out though? I mean, as much as I like to have my privacy and keep you all to myself, we do owe a lot to the fans, and I feel like we should be honest and straightforward, and let them know what’s okay to ask about and what’s out of bounds, you know?” He watches in the mirror as phil stands and pulls on a pair of jeans followed by his blue pugs jumper over Dan’s t-shirt which he must have put on while Dan was showering, and he wonders briefly if anyone will notice the collar of the cream colored cat shirt poking out below the jumper in the video. He decides that they probably will, and then they’ll freak out over them ‘sharing clothes’ again, which isn’t untrue or uncommon at this point, so he decides not to mention it.

“Well, now that I know you’re not completely opposed to the idea, we’ll figure it out later,” Phil says. “We need to hurry. Louise will kill us if we’re late.”

Its about twenty minutes later when they’re finally heading out the door. First, Dan had forgotten to turn out the bathroom light, and then Phil misplaced his oyster card. The city traffic is dense and thunderous around them as they emerge from their small flat, and as they come up on the nearest tube station Dan sees with a groan that its closed for planned repair work. 

“Fucking TFL,” he mumbles under his breath, and Phil just shrugs, ever the pacifist.  
“I’ll just call Louise and let her know we’re running late due to the bloody tube,” Dan tells him, pulling his phone from his pocket and putting it to his ear as they start the trek to the next station a few blocks away. It’s starting to rain, and while Phil’s got a hood on his new winter coat, Dan is starting to regret his choice of leather outerwear rather than his ring wraith rain coat, never mind that his hair is starting to curl again. 

They cross in the zebra crossings, making sure that they’ve got the signal to walk. He’s nearly to the other side with Phil stepping onto the curb a few paces ahead of him when there’s a blaring horn and a screech just as Louise picks up the phone. It takes Dan a fraction of a second to realize that the car speeding toward him is out of control on the wet pavement, and even less time to realize that he has no possible way of getting out of its path in time. Suddenly everything feels like its shattering, and all he knows is blinding pain as his panicked eyes snap to Phil’s who has turned and is reaching out for him.


	2. January 8, 2015

January 8, 2015

“Phil?”

A voice similar to Dan’s but a bit higher breaks through his clouded thoughts, and he looks up to see Dan’s little brother near the door to the small hospital room, looking unsure.

“Yeah?”  
The boy, now 17, looks at his shoe, scuffing against the generic linoleum floor. “Mum wants to know if you want a coffee or something. She’s going down to the canteen.”

Dan’s brother had always been a little shy and awkward around Phil, not really knowing what to think of the idea of his older brother having a ‘boyfriend,’ and it had gotten even worse once he started being harassed about them on Tumblr, but Phil didn’t blame him, and its not like Dan saw enough of his family for his little brother to really get to know Phil at all and become more comfortable. He had a suspicion that if it weren't for the situation they were all in right now, Adrian would still be taking out his anger over the harassment he had gotten on Phil like he had the last time they had seen each other. Phil tried, he really did. He was always making sure to make conversation with Adrian when he did visit, and remembered his birthday, and picked out a Christmas present every year, but but unlike his own brother’s girlfriend whom Phil actually gets along with really well, this would always remain a bit awkward.

Becoming aware of how late in the day it would have to be if Dan’s brother was back from sixth form, he realizes that he must have been zoned out for a few hours now. Dan’s mum had been telling him for days that he needed to go home and get some rest as its been nearly three days since the last time Phil had made himself sleep more than a few hours at a time, and he had gone home to collect a few changes of clothes and some chargers and his laptop, but he had to be there when Dan finally woke up. He couldn’t risk being gone, and who knows how Dan would handle everything. 

“Erm, Phil?” Dan’s brother says again, seeing that Phil was lost in his thoughts. His head snaps up.

“Oh, yeah, umm, coffee would be great. Thanks.”

He looks back to Dan, who is propped up in the hospital bed, resting with a peaceful expression on his bruised and scraped face. There is a tube in his nose, and his long eyelashes fanning out over his pale cheeks marked black and blue, and Phil wishes for the millionth time that he would just open his eyes already, even though he knew that he wouldn’t be waking up until this evening at the earliest. After surgery on his spine, he had been put into a medically induced coma in order to minimize possible movement and speed his healing process. Phil is slightly glad however for the peaceful, almost beautiful expression on Dan’s face, as its such a nice change from the panicked and pain stricken expression that was now burned into his skull from the moment just before Dan collapsed to the pavement, half underneath that car.

Stirred from thoughts once again, Phil looks up when he feels Dan’s Mum’s thin hand on his shoulder, and she hands him a cup of coffee and a sandwich in a triangular packet.

“Chicken and bacon. Thought you might be a bit hungry.”

“Thanks,” Phil says, accepting the snack, but not meeting her eyes. In truth he feels guilty that its Dan in this hospital bed about to face this terrible fate of a new life, and not him, and she seems to be able read his mind almost as easily as her son is able to.

“You know its not your fault, Philip. It was all a matter of wrong place wrong time. You did everything you could do, and I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll continue to be there for Dan when he comes to.” 

When she squeezes his shoulder again, he feels his eyes well up, and he tries to push his emotions back down. He has to be strong for Dan. In truth though, he’s absolutely terrified, and he hasn’t yet allowed himself to cry. Their whole lives are about to change, and its all out of their control.

“I was going to propose,” he says to her suddenly, and he’s not sure why. “That night at midnight. New Years. I wanted to finally make us official. I had the ring in my pocket when it happened.” His hand subconsciously finds the outline of a small box he’s taken to keeping in his jeans pocket.

————————  
Its a few hours later when Dan finally begins to come around, being pulled out of the medically induced coma that he had been in for nearly a week and despite not sleeping more than a couple of hours over the past few days, Phil finds that he’s fully alert, sitting in the uncomfortable hospital chair and clutching onto Dan’s right hand, as Dan’s left is currently in a cast from wrist to elbow. The doctors had explained what would happen; Dan was likely to be disoriented at first, and then slowly begin to feel the pain. Once he realized that he was unable to feel his legs he was likely to panic, and it was Phil’s job to try and calm him down, only, knowing Dan, Phil wasn’t sure he could. 

When Dan opens his eyes, he finds it hard to focus on anything. The room is blurry, and bright, and spinning and he just wants to go back to sleep, but as his vision clears he starts to hear voices as well— he can register his mum talking, saying hello, and his dad as well, and then he hears Phil say his name and he wants to turn and see him, but everything feels so heavy and is spinning too much..

“Take your time, Daniel,” he hears a foreign voice say somewhere on his left. “Don’t try to move too much. Your vision will clear in a moment.” 

The voice, whomever its owner is, is right, and his vision does begin to clear after a few moments, and he realizes then that he’s in a hospital room. From there it takes all of about two seconds to recall what happened— the sound of the car horn, and the sickening thud that reverberated through his whole body, and the fear in Phil’s eyes, and then it only takes another fraction of a second for him to realize that while his head and his arms and his torso are suddenly in aching harshly, he can’t feel his legs.

The beeping of the heart monitor increases alarmingly as he begins to panic, attempting to sit up and look to where he should be feeling his legs. They’re there, he realizes, right where they should be, but he can’t feel them. Why can’t he feel them?

“Dan?” He hears Phil speak again, trying to get his attention, but he’s too preoccupied.

“Its okay, Mr. Lester. This is a pretty normal reaction. He’ll calm down soon.” The foreign voice addresses Phil, and Dan now assumes that it must belong to a doctor.

Calm down? Dan thinks. How the hell can I calm down? I can’t feel my fucking legs! 

He wants to shout as much but he finds that his mouth is too dry, and his attempt at words just comes out as a croak.

“Here.” Dan finally looks at the blurry version of Phil, who is holding a paper cup, presumably of water, up towards his mouth, and Dan leans forward, sipping from it. While he can feel both of his arms, one with a dull throbbing pain, his upper body still feels too weighed down right now to move much, so he just lets Phil tip the cup towards his dry lips for him, until he can manage a less croaky “thanks” in his direction.

“Mr. Howell, we need you to lean back please. Just relax and try not to strain. Your body has been through a lot, and I know its a lot to take in right now.” Its the new voice again, and despite every impulse that Dan has to fight the orders and talk back, he does what’s asked, feeling too drained to be sarcastic. He looks up at his parents and brother standing near his feet, and then back to Phil who is holding his right hand, too afraid to look at the doctor because that would make everything too real. “What’s wrong with me, Phil? Why can’t I feel my legs?”

Phil looks far too serious, and he doesn’t like it one bit. He likes Phil’s little side smirk, or his stupid laughing tongue thing. Not this serious tight lipped sympathetic smile framed by gingery stubble longer than he’s ever seen Phil wear, with frown lines digging into his forehead under messy hair. “I’m so sorry, Dan. I tried to reach you to pull you out of the way but the car was going too fast.” Shit, Dan thinks, feeling even more weighed down. Phil thinks this is his fault. I can hear it in his voice.

The doctor clears her throat and Dan finally looks over to her, just wanting an explanation as to what’s happening. He had a pretty good guess, but he really hopes he’s wrong, or that it isn’t as bad is it might be.

“We’re sorry Dan, but due to trauma to the thoracic region of your spinal cord on impact, at this stage you are being classified as paraplegic.”

His ears began to ring and he felt his face drain of color and he grasped Phil’s hand tighter as he tried to process what was being said. Paraplegic? No. no no no. This couldn’t be happening to him. 

“While the spinal cord injury was incomplete and could have been much more severe, and there is possibility of partial to full recovery in the future, I’m afraid you’ve got a very long road ahead of you. We operated as soon as possible to fix as much as we could, and in a month or two starting physical therapy will help. For the interim however you’ll have to take it easy in case of swelling which could cause more complications, but I’m sure your family here, and Mr. Lester will assist you in any way you need.” The doctor gives a cordial smile, but Dan is looking right through her, past her, into his life before— when he was able to fucking walk and took it for so much granted.

The doctor walks out, leaving Dan with his family and Phil, and suddenly he can’t stand the feeling of all eyes on him, as if their waiting for a tantrum or some other horrible reaction, but right now Dan just wants to be left alone with his numbness and cry by himself, but he knows that’s not a luxury he’ll be granted now. And god, he has so many questions that he can’t focus on a single one, and suddenly his breathing feels labored and then he realizes that he’s crying and then Phil is there sitting on the side of the bed, wrapping him up in his strong arms and letting him cry into his neck as he’s held at an awkward angle and his mum kisses his forehead and his dad squeezes his shoulder and his brother pats his back once before leaving the room behind the doctor so he can be alone with Phil, and for a minute he wonders if his family is psychic or if he had actually said out loud for them to leave him alone. If he had, though, Phil probably would have left as well, so he’s glad that’s not the case. He needs Phil right now possibly more than anything else; well, anything besides to have the feeling back in his legs.

—————


	3. January 13, 2015

January 13, 2015

It takes another few days and lots of tests and instructions from doctors, mostly directed at Dan’s parents and Phil, seeing as Dan was unable to pay much attention to what was being said due to some relatively strong pain killers, before Dan gets cleared to finally leave, but this poses another problem. Really, the only thing he wanted at this point was to just go back to his apartment with Phil, and sleep for about a month until he just stops hurting as he’s weaned off of the Vicodin and morphine cocktail he’s been on, and get cuddled, and watch films, and take time out to adjust to this change without a lot of fuss, but that’s exactly one of the things he would now be unable to do. Their apartment has stairs— lots of them, and absolutely no lift. He literally has no way of going home now, ever, unless Phil decides to become a body builder overnight.

Instead, Dan is wheeled to his family’s car, and awkwardly lifted into a back seat by Phil, which makes him feel like a useless baby and really, he’s surprised at Phil’s body strength, and then its back to his family house in Wokingham, where he would be taking the flowery bottom floor guest room for the unforeseeable future. 

As the car began to weave through busy London streets and out onto the M4, he could feel gloom start to set in, made worse by the fact that Phil had gone home from St.Mary’s without him. Sure, it had only been to collect some clothes for the both of them, their laptops, chargers, and some other odds and ends and he would be training out to stay with him in a few hours, but without Phil by his side he just felt that much more miserable. This was made worse by the fact that it had been over a week now since he had been able to be alone with Phil and able to have any decent conversation, so they had no idea how the other was feeling and taking everything. Their relationship had always been heavily grounded by talking through their feelings and that was something that Dan desperately needed to do with Phil right now, away from prying eyes and ears.

His brother must have noticed his worsening mood, because in an act of kindness, or perhaps just pity, he reaches out from his seat next to Dan, offering up his other earbud. Taking it in a casted hand, Dan puts it into his ear, allowing, and he nearly laughs because his brother would only listen to it to cheer Dan up: One Direction, to drown out the generic traffic report his parents are playing from the front, and mumbles a quiet “thanks.”

He doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep again until his Dad is shaking his shoulder.

“Hey, bud. We’re here.”

Dan peers past his Dad through the darkness to the familiar house that he had only just left the day before the accident, illuminated only by porch lights where his mom is struggling to open the front door wide enough for a wheelchair, while his brother is leading the dog out on a leash, probably to relieve itself.

His Dad goes around to the boot, pulling out the temporary foldable chair the hospital had given them, while Dan stays motionless where he is, because really, he has no other choice. Once the chair is placed below the car doorway, his Dad steps forward, placing one arm below his knees and another around his back while Dan throws his good arm around his Dad’s shoulder, just as he had done when Phil helped him into the car. 

“Alright. Count of three,” his dad mutters, and Dan nods.

“One. Two. And three.”

He has to duck his head to avoid hitting the ceiling of the vehicle, but after a strained noise from his father, he’s back in the stupid uncomfortable chair being wheeled up the walkway. He wishes that he was able to at least wheel himself around, but right now his wrist is still too sore from the break.

His dad brings him into the sitting room, where the dog promptly begins to sniff around the wheels of the chair, nosing at Dan’s legs in concern. He looks down at Collin with a sad smile. He had always related to this dog with its sad dozy eyes.

“Don’t worry, I don’t approve either,” he says, and the mutt gives a small wuffle of agreement before laying down next to Dan’s right foot, his chin resting on Dan’s trainer covered toes.

“Dan, honey, would you like anything to eat? I need to go to the shop tomorrow, but we’ve got stuff for sandwiches or pasta?” His mother is poking her head round the kitchen door, with a worried expression that makes Dan sigh.

“Mum, we just ate an hour ago before we left the hospital,” he reminds her.

“I know, I just thought…” she cuts herself off. She’s just trying to help make Dan feel better, or more comfortable or something, and he knows that. He shouldn’t get exasperated. Its unfair. He’s just so worn out and overwhelmed.

“I know. Its okay. I’m really not hungry though. Honestly, I kind of just want to go to bed?” He says it like a question, because he knows that he has no way of getting from point A to point B by himself with just one useful arm.

“Okay, dear. You need to take your pain pills and other medications before sleeping though, and if you feel anxious you’ve got something for that as well.” She wheels Dan towards the kitchen where she has the bags with Dans new medicines.

“Can I have a biscuit or something with them?” Dan asks, silently wishing Phil were here already. He wouldn’t have had to ask. Whenever Dan needed a paracetamol or something at home, Phil would automatically bring him a biscuit and tea or coffee with it so that he could get it down.

“Of course.”

He watches his mum move briskly and stiffly around the kitchen, and realizes just how tired and stressed she looks. Her hair is flattened of its usual mom-like blow dried volume, and she’s got circles under her eyes. She obviously hasn’t slept much since the accident. He doubted any of his family had, maybe barring his brother who still had to do school. He knows Phil hadn’t. He could tell. Even after Dan had woken up Phil had refused to go home to get some rest, choosing instead to sleep in the chair pulled next to Dan’s bed, hunched over with his head resting on Dan’s bedside.

She hands him the small handful of pills, and a digestive biscuit on a napkin, and he lays them in his lap for a second before taking her hand and squeezing it. 

“I’m sorry about all of this, mum.”

“Daniel, don’t you dare apologize about something you had absolutely no control over. I’ve been telling poor Philip the same thing all week. You should have seen the state he was in when we arrived at A&E because they wouldn’t tell him anything, as he’s not a blood relation. London hospitals aren’t like Manchester, and they just didn’t care that he’s an emergency contact.”

“I know!” Dan argues, wincing at the thought of Phil frantically trying to argue with the reception staff. “ I just— I feel like such an inconvenience and a burden. I can’t do anything for myself. And now I’m stuck at home taking up your guest room, when I’m supposed to have grown up and moved out…” His voice rises from frustration, but his mom is used to his dramatic reactions, no matter the circumstance, so the volume doesn’t phase her.

“Daniel, hush. You’re not an inconvenience, or a burden; you’re my son.”

“What she said!” his Dad’s voice sounds from the doorway. “No more of this apologizing shite. You may get better or you may not. Either way, this is what we all have to live with now, and we’ll make the best of it because we love you.”

Too worn out to argue, or perhaps, just out of any valid points, Dan nods and sighs before popping his pills into his mouth and taking a bite of the cookie to force them down. “Can I just go to sleep now?”

 

“Are you sure you don’t want a bath or a change of clothes first?” his mum asks him for the second time, a few minutes later, as she follows her husband and him into the small guest room and turns down the covers on the double bed.

“Yes, mum. I’m sure. Honestly, if its all the same to you guys, I’d rather wait for Phil to get here before dealing with any of that, because it’ll be less embarrassing for everybody.” Phil had given him a quick wipe-down with a sponge in the small closet-like bathroom in his hospital room the day before, cracking obscene jokes about sponge bath kinks to try and lift Dan’s spirits, but Phil’s laughs hadn’t reached his eyes. At this point, Dan hadn’t properly washed in probably five days now since they had cleaned him up after surgery, and it had been longer since his hair was washed, but he really did not want to face the mortification of his parents seeing him naked until it was absolutely necessary, when Phil would probably inevitably have to go back to the BBC or Vidcon or something. He didn’t even want to think about the fact that Playlist was less than a month away.

“Okay. We’ll leave you alone then. When Phil gets here we’ll just send him in, as that boy desperately needs some rest as well. Been watching over you like a hawk, he has.” With that his mum kisses his forehead and walks out as his dad lifts him from the chair to the bed and does the same, bidding goodnight and turning off the light as he goes.

Finally left alone for the first time since waking up, Dan uses his good hand and his other elbow to scoot himself slowly into a semi comfortable position before pulling up the duvet and closing his eyes, too tired to even think about thinking.

————

It’s around 4:30 in the afternoon when Dan’s parents’ car pulls away from the hospital carpark, and while Phil wants to join Dan again as soon as humanly possible, he knows that he has a few stops to make first, as well as a few phone calls.

He begins walking to the nearest bus stop, debating the quickest way to his first destination, as he dials his Mum’s number. He hadn’t yet told his parents anything that had been going on. His mom had sent a worrying text when she hadn’t heard from him on New Years and he had responded shortly, saying he was fine and that something had come up to distract him and he’d call them to explain when he was able. His parents, while not fully immersed in his online life, had seen fans worrying on twitter about the disappearance of Dan and himself on social media, some of whom had tagged his brother in tweets asking if they were okay, which had alerted his parents further. He supposed that his absence, from twitter at least, was a bit odd, as he usually tweeted daily, but he just hadn’t thought about it. What would he even tweet at a time like this?Dan can’t walk and hospitals smell like death? No sleep for 6 days now? No. He had thought briefly about saying something about the quality of hospital pudding, but had quickly realized that it would raise more red flags for the viewers.  
He also didn’t want to say anything online about what had happened until he talked to Dan and figured out what he wanted to do about the channels for now and what he was okay with people knowing. He would also have to call the BBC and let them know, so they could find someone else to fill the Monday night slot for who knows how long. He had let them know preliminarily that they wouldn’t be making it in this week due to a family emergency. Phil was tempted to just tell them to offer their time slot up to Jack and Dean, or some other you tubers until further notice, but again, he had to talk to Dan. He was honestly surprised that it hadn’t yet been picked up by the news— Popular Vlogger and Radio Host Struck by Runaway Car.

“Hello?” His mum picks up on first ring, her northern accent thick.

“Mum!” he’s kind of startled from his thoughts, having briefly forgotten he’d even dialed a number let alone put a phone to his ear— he’s so bloody tired.

“Phil? Are you alright? You never called on New Years like you usually do, and your brother said people online were asking about you and Dan and he couldn’t reach either of your phones.”

“Umm.. yeah. My phone has kind of been off, and Dan’s, well…” Dans phone is broken. Its smashed to pieces on the pavement somewhere near Southbank. He wasn’t sure how to explain everything to his mother. Sure it was easy enough to say, but he just couldn’t get the words out; Dan no longer has the use of his legs.

“Philip, what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

“How do you know something has happened?” he asks, stunned.

“Call it mother’s intuition, now tell me what’s wrong.”

He feels his throat begin to close up as tears well in his eyes from thinking about it, from worrying about how Dan is doing right now, from just being plain exhausted.

“Dan was hit by a car,” he chokes out through a sob, not sure if she can understand a word he just said. He’s at the bus stop now, and people are starting to stare.

“Oh my lord…Phil, honey, is he okay? Are you okay? Were you with him?” Panicked, rapid fire questions. He shouldn’t have expected anything less form his mother.

“I’m okay. I was with him, but I was already on the side walk in front of him. It happened in a crosswalk. The car just came so fast, and I couldn’t do anything, mum!” he knows he’s starting to get hysterical, but he can’t help it, replaying the scene in his head. “He’s— he— he’s in a wheelchair now. The impact injured his spinal chord and he’s lost all feeling in his legs, and his arm is broken, and he’s so bruised, and I just… I don’t know what to do! I’m trying to just be there for him, and be strong, but everything is so scary and new.” He sniffles, wishing he had some kleenex, and is glad that the other people at the stop have stopped their staring and are pretending not to hear or see. This is the first time he’s allowed himself to properly cry.

She’s quiet for a moment, and he’s guessing that she’s relaying the information to his father because he hears a loud gasp of “my god!”

“Philip, where are you? We can hear cars.” He’s on speakerphone now. He can tell by the tinniness of her voice.

“I’m at a bus stop by the hospital. Dan just went home with his family, and I’m going back to our flat to get some clothes and stuff, and then I guess I’ll be staying at the Howell’s for a while.”

“Alright, honey. Be careful please, and give Dan our love. Let us know if there’s anything we can do— you know he’s as good as family by now.”

“I know, and I will. I love you guys. Can— can you um, tell Martyn and Cornelia for me?”

He listens to their reply and farewell,and clicks the call off as the bus pulls up, mentally checking that task off of his list— its one step closer to being back with Dan.

The next few hours are hectic and full of running around. First he goes to the apple store to get Dan a new phone and transfer over his old phone plan and contacts and stuff, and then home to shower, change, and pack up their stuff, frantically shoving enough clothes into a suitcase for about two weeks, not much caring what’s actually his and what’s Dan’s as it doesn’t really matter right now and he doesn’t know how long he or the both of them will be there. Next he packs their macbooks, headphones, the book Dan’s reading, Dan’s DS and Pokemon game, a jumble of cords and chargers, and finally their camera, just in case. He throws in his big York hoodie because he knows that Dan loves to steal it, and as an afterthought, he goes back into Dan’s room and grabs Dan’s bear and the Where the Wild Things Are stuffed Carol toy that he had given Dan during their first year together off his desk. Dan used to cuddle with it when he was feeling sick before they moved in together, and always kept it around, so maybe it would cheer him up. He considered bringing his own Totoro for a moment as well, but decided it would be too bulky. 

On the way to the train station, Phil takes the time to call Louise. She had heard the whole thing from her end of the phone line and had been pretty shaken up. She had gone up to the hospital to stay with Phil before Dan’s parents arrived, but had needed to go back home to be with Darcy. He had been trying to keep her updated however, and he knew that she would always be there for him and Dan. He also took the time to call PJ, and Wirrow and Bryony to explain, getting promises of visits from each of their friends.  
Finally, at about 8pm, after an hour train journey and another 20 minutes by car from Reading station where Dan’s Dad picked him up, he’s being welcomed into Dan’s childhood home; a place he hasn’t been since early last year on the day the two of them had finally come out as a couple to Dan’s family. It had gone well, and they were accepting and loving, but Phil still never quite felt at home here so he tended to stay back or go and visit his own family whenever Dan went to Workingham. Now though, he really had no choice. For the time being, if he wanted to be with Dan, then he would have to learn to interact with his family.

When he steps into the house pulling a suitcase behind him and wearing his galaxy backpack, he’s greeted by the dog sniffing around his feet, trying to determine if he’s a welcome guest or not. Phil assumes he must be allowed, or maybe the dog smells Dan on his clothes now that he’s been back to their flat, because Collin soon walks away looking bored, and jumps up onto the sitting room sofa to curl up into a ball of fur. Dan’s mom comes hurrying in to greet him, whispering quite loudly. 

“Philip, we can’t thank you enough for everything you’re doing for Dan, and everything you’ve ever done” she says, taking the suitcase from his hand and parking it by the entrance to a hallway, ignoring Phil’s insistence that he could get it, and he’s about to argue that Dan does just as much for him when he’s cut short.

“No, really. Thank you.” She glances to the entryway where her husband is now locking up and heading upstairs, and the kitchen where Dan’s brother is making a snack, making sure they’re not paying attention to the exchange going on between them. “I was unsure of you when Dan first started bringing up Phil— this amazing Phil from the internet. Honestly, can you blame me?” she asks with a chuckle. “You were four years older, out of university, and he was so young, and I knew probably before the two of you did that he was going to fall hard, and I was worried for him.”

Phil nods. He had thought about all of this. When he and Dan first started talking, their age difference had been something Phil had struggled with himself. “I don’t blame you,” he concedes.

“You’ve always been nothing but perfect to him though. Thank you. You’ve made my job as a mother so much easier. I think I really knew for sure that you were a good thing in his life when he got sick in Uni and you took him to A&E and took care of him for that week afterward. He was calling me complaining about how you barely let him out of your sight, but I knew he was happy because he hadn’t had to be scared to get sick away from home, and that just— thank you.”

Unsure how to respond to this roundabout compliment, Phil looks down at his blue shoes for a moment, rubbing at the back of his neck before looking up at Dan’s mum. “That means a lot to me, Mrs. Howell. He means a lot to me. I really do love him.”

“I know you do.” She’s got tears welling in her eyes when she goes to hug Phil, making him lean down a bit to her level. “I know that when you do finally get to propose and get married that he’ll always be in good hands. Anyway, enough of that. You must be completely shattered, so you should go and get some sleep. Your and Dan’s room is just through the hallway, and there’s a bathroom across the hall. I’ll leave you both alone until you decide to emerge tomorrow. If you get hungry or thirsty just help yourself in the kitchen.”

Phil nods, suddenly anxious to finally get to Dan, and sets off through the hall dragging his bag again as Dan’s mother makes her way upstairs. 

When he opens the door he sees Dan in the bed lit by the dim glow of a night light similar to his amber lamp. He looks uncomfortable and worn out, his upper body turned to the side as his legs stay parallel to the bed, and that makes Phil frown a bit. Dan is used to sleeping on his side curled up in fetal position, usually spooning Phil, so the inability to do so now must be extremely frustrating. As he’s watching, Dan opens an eye, smiling a little when he sees Phil.

“Hey.” The older boy walks to the edge of the bed and sits down, forgetting his bags for now. 

“Hi.” Dans voice comes out in a sleepy croak.

“How are you feeling?” he asks, stroking Dan’s greasy and curled hair from his forehead. Dans chocolate eyes meet his and Phil can see pain and struggle and so many other emotions reflected in them, and his heart begins to hurt once more.

“Honestly, Phil? Terrible. I hurt all over, except for what I can’t feel, and I just want to be able to take a fucking shower by myself, and sleep comfortably, and not be in this damned waking nightmare anymore. I— I’ve missed you so much… please. Please, can you just get up here and hold me? I don’t really want to talk right now.”

Phil nods, willing himself not to cry at Dan’s words even though Dan’s voice sounds as if he’s about to cry again himself. He has to stay strong for him. He goes over to his backpack and opens it up, pulling out Dan’s bear and Carol and places them next to his boy’s pillow, receiving a tired but loving smile, before climbing onto the bed, and crawling quickly over Dan’s body to reach the other side where there was more room for him to lie down, he shucks his jeans and shoes and peels off his shirt quickly before pulling up the duvet only to realize that Dan is still in his clothes.

“Oh, Dan. No one helped you find pajamas?”

Dan shakes his head, looking at Phil tiredly. “No. I kind of shooed my parents away. Just wanted to be alone, and I didn’t really want to deal with bathing or changing or anything until you got here.”

“Makes sense,” Phil says, sitting up and pulling the duvet down off of Dan’s body. He had to admit that in Dan’s position he wouldn’t want his parents seeing him either, and Dan naked was nothing new to Phil. At least his shoes got taken off. 

“Sorry if this is awkward,” he says, grabbing the elastic waist of Dan’s sweatpants and pulling them slowly down. Dan tries to lift some of his weight with his good arm to help Phil get the pants down around his butt, but its still a struggle. After that’s done, he supports Dan’s back as he sits up a bit, careful of his tender spine, and helps him get his jumper off as well until he’s left in only his (Phil’s) sonic pants as if it were a normal night’s sleep.   
“I’d offer to help you get a bath, but honestly I think we’re both too tired tonight. We’ll do it in the morning,” he says, leaning forward and placing a kiss on Dan’s forehead before pulling the Duvet back up around the both of them. He finds that its alarming to look at Dan’s body right now, mottled with bruises and road rash making him look like a worse off funforlouis after a skateboard wreck, and for the millionth time he just wishes it were himself instead. Dan doesn’t deserve this. 

He settles in to the space next to his boyfriend, and lays facing him, his head on the pillow just above Dan’s right shoulder, and gingerly wraps his arm around Dan’s middle before closing his eyes, but its only a moment before he feels Dan try and shift a bit and he lifts his head again looking at him.

“You okay, babe?”  
“Yeah, Phil. Just… ugh. I know this sounds stupid, but can you just kiss me? Just once?”

Even in the dark he can see color starting to stain Dan’s cheeks. Sitting up again, he leans over Dan’s body, and cups the boy’s face in both of his hands before bringing his lips to Dan’s chapped ones in a gentle yet lingering kiss, hoping to convey his love and admiration for the broken boy next to him. Dan tangles a casted hand in Phil’s hair and sighs a bit before pulling away, and Phil kisses his forehead and cheeks again before laying back down, finally seeing a bit of a smile on his lover’s face for the first time all week.

“Thanks, Phil. I think I needed that. I just needed something that felt the same, you know? And I haven’t kissed you all week.”

“I love you, bear. That’ll never change no matter what else does.” He has to stifle a yawn, and buries his face near Dan’s neck again, placing a quick kiss there, too, making Dan inhale slightly at the sensation in the sensitive spot.

“Love you too.”

————


	4. January 19, 2015

January 19, 2015

It’s a few days later and Dan’s parents have gone back to work, and his brother to school, leaving Phil and Dan alone for a few hours. They’re settled onto the lounge sofa, which had been a bit of a chore in itself, Phil sitting up against the armrest, with his legs out in front of him, and Dan positioned between them with Phil’s laptop on his lap.

“I don’t know what to say, Phil.” Dan’s hands are poised above the keys, and a blank Tumblr document is open on the screen. They both knew that they had to say something to their viewers. It had been over two weeks, and neither of them had so much as tweeted. Phil had called or texted the BBC and most of their close friends with a heads up about what was happening and they had all helped to let other youtubers know, but their audience knew nothing, and some crazy rumors had started to spread; that they were on an official missing persons list, that their apartment had caught fire, that they were abducted by aliens, that they eloped and were on their honeymoon. The last one had made Phil chuckle— he kind of wished that was the truth, and again he thought to the ring still burning a hole in his pocket. 

“Well, what do you want to say? Do you want them to know exactly what’s happened, or do you want to keep it vague for now and just say you’ve had an injury?”

“I dunno. I mean, they’re going to find out eventually, but I’m not sure. I just— what if I lose all my followers or whatever because of this and they don’t want to watch a dumb nerd stuck in a wheelchair? Or what if I wait a bit and I get feeling back and then I won’t have to say anything at all?”

“Dan, if they decide to unfollow you just because you’re in a wheelchair, then you shouldn’t want them in our community in the first place, and you can wait longer if you’d like, but we can’t wait forever. You heard the doctors— its a long road ahead.”

“Ugh. I know, Phil. I just— I guess I’m scared.” He didn’t really want to be reminded right now that things were just going to remain hopeless for the unforeseeable future, and the guilty expression on Phil’s face now said how bad he felt for saying that, but it was the truth, so Dan knew he wasn’t going to take it back, nor would he ask him to.

Phil rests his chin on Dan’s shoulder, and gives him a quick squeeze around the middle before he replaces Dan’s hands with his own.

 

Hey Guys!/Hello Internet,

Dan and Phil here. We apologize for being MIA for the past few weeks, but something has happened that we would appreciate your understanding about with hopes that you will continue to be the patient and amazing viewers that we know you are. While there have been a lot of crazy rumors spreading over the past week (no, there wasn’t an alien abduction, but how cool would that be, to actually meet aliens?!) we have decided that its time to let you all know what has really been going on. On the morning of New Years Eve we were on our way to film a video at Google when a car ran a red light and hit Dan in the crosswalk. While there may be improvements over time, right now he is paralyzed from the waist down and now in a wheelchair. This is a huge change and adjustment for the both of us and it will likely take us quite a bit of time to get used to and make necessary changes before we resume any kind of normal video making schedule, but don’t worry, we will be back! In the mean time we appreciate your support, and keep an eye out on all our social media for updates. In the mean time we have a special announcement from Disney coming later this week which I'll tweet about.

We appreciate your support and patience,  
Dan and Phil

 

He finishes typing, and looks to Dan, asking his approval, and receives a nod.

“Thanks. I couldn’t have done that without just sounding bitter, I don’t think.”

Phil presses publish before going onto his own account and reblogging it and then posting it to both his twitter, and Dan’s as well as their facebooks. “I really wish we didn’t have to do this at all, bear. I hate it so much.”

Dan frowns a bit at Phil’s use of his old nickname even as it makes a fuzzy feeling erupt in his stomach. The older boy never really used it anymore unless he was truly feeling emotional. 

“Phil? When are you going back to London?” his voice sounds small, and Phil’s heart breaks a little more. Before answering, he closes the laptop and sets it onto the coffee table so he can lay back and wrap his arms around Dan, pulling the younger male back into his chest.

“I dunno, love. I know I’ll have to eventually to deal with bills and work and the landlord and everything else I’ve been ignoring, but I really don’t want to. I hate the thought of you stuck here. I was actually going to ask you about it after I look into it a bit more just to see what’s available, but I talked to the landlord and let him know what happened and he said he’d be willing to make an exception to our lease and let us terminate early, so maybe we could find a one floor flat with an elevator?”

Dan lays his head back on Phil’s shoulder, craning his neck to look up at him. Phil still looks really tired, his eyes a bit bloodshot, and his face sporting faint wrinkles Dan had never noticed. His hair is longer, turning a dusty ginger at the roots, and he seemed to have given up on shaving and wearing contacts all together— the last bit something Dan didn’t mind at all, as he found Phil with facial hair and glasses extremely attractive, and kind of wanted to ask him to keep the goatee for a bit.

“Really?” Somehow he had thought that maybe the days of living with Phil were over for now and he’d just have to suck it up and get used to living at home again. He hadn’t even thought that Phil might consider moving, just for him.

“Really. I hate that we can’t just go home, Dan. You’re parents mean well, but you don’t have your freedom here. Also, since you can’t maneuver the stairs then I’ll just have to bring home to someplace you can reach.”

Suddenly the brunette felt like crying for reasons entirely separate from what he had been mourning all week. “Phil, have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely love you?”

“Maybe once or twice.”

“Well, its a lot.”

“You’re being a bit mushy, aren’t you?”

“No, Phil, I— I just…” he has to take a breath. What was he trying to say, exactly? What was it that he was trying to articulate? “I was afraid that I had kind of reached a dead end, you know? That maybe we couldn’t live together anymore because it would be too difficult to deal with, and that everything would just go downhill, and our relationship would end because I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to put up with an invalid, and I just… I don’t know. Its stupid. I just didn’t think you’d still want me after you realized how hard this would be.”

“Dan, you’re scaring yourself with false thoughts again,” Phil says, reaching up to bury his fingers in Dan’s freshly washed and curly hair. “Its like when you had all that caffeine and thought everyone hated you.”

“And you just told me I was being stupid,” Dan points out.

Phil nods. “You are being stupid. You haven’t reached a dead end. You’re still alive, thank god. Things are a bit more complicated now, but not insurmountable, you know? Once your arm heals, you can still do most things by yourself, and there’s still a chance of full recovery if you put in the work with physical therapy and all that, right? And I’ll be here, bear. I’m not going anywhere, ever— well, figuratively. I’m sure I’ll have to be back and forth to London soon to get everything sorted, but we’ll work everything out and then we’ll be living together again.”

Dan is quiet for a few minutes, and Phil wonders if he’s fallen asleep, when he finally responds. “I couldn’t do all this without you, Phil. I really couldn’t. I’d be completely miserable.”

“You’ll never have to, Love.”


	5. January 22, 2015

January 22, 2015

It’s been nearly another week when Phil finally convinces Dan that its time to leave the house for more than an hour. He has a better chair now— they had ordered one online to replace the shitty one from the hospital, and its much more sturdy and maneuverable, black metal with a comfortable leather seat, and has the option of electric control or for the user to wheel it themselves, and it adjusts height and reclines. Dan had almost immediately found it amusing to steer it away from Phil mid-conversation and do mini-donuts in his living room, and Phil had then dubbed him the human Mario kart, which Dan had really struggled not to find funny, especially when Phil had stuck a small Toad sticker on the armrest that he had found in Dan's childhood bedroom.

Still, though, he’s nervous about going out into the outside world. He was afraid of being started at; judged. What if a viewer saw them? Phil had been back on twitter since the blog post the week before, but Dan still hadn’t touched any of his social media accounts for anything other than to scroll through messages and well wishes from his friends and some mentions from fans as well.  
Phil was determined that Dan would come house hunting with him though, and even though Dan could now motor away, Phil was still faster and he couldn’t really put up much of a fight. Because this was a chore that they had convinced Dan’s parents they would rather do alone, Phil was driving Dan’s old vauxhall, now belonging to Dan’s brother, on their way into the city with his chair somehow stuffed in the back where he had lowered all of the seats, and Phil truly was an awful driver after five years without practice. 

After talking it over and browsing online, they decided to look for a place a bit further from central London than their current, while still a short commute into the city on the tube, but their local tube stop would have to be handicap accessible. They were torn between the Shepherds Bush area or the Finchley Road area; both on opposite sides of the city. 

They toured a few flats in Shepherds Bush, first, near the massive Westfield's mall and Olympic park and all of them were nice one floor places with two or three bedrooms, and nice kitchens, lounges, and bathrooms, but none of them really felt right. Halfway through their excursion, Dan was starting to feel really irritable as his pain killers were wearing off as he was finally reduced to just paracetamol a few times a day rather than the strong stuff, and he had shoved his headphones on in the car, annoyed once more that he still hadn’t gotten all of his music onto the new iPhone that Phil had brought him, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk and argue about the points between the apartments right now no matter how chipper Phil was attempting to be with his fucking house hunting folder. He was considering just directing Phil to drive them home instead. Finally, they arrived at the Finchley Road neighborhood where a real estate agent was meeting them, and as Phil helped him out of the car and into his chair, he was surprised to see the amount of greenery surrounding him. Admittedly it was nice. The apartment building was right next to a large park with benches and a pathway. 

He let Phil take the lead, pushing the chair for him to where a middle-aged woman was waiting outside of the large industrial looking building.

“Hello,” Phil greeted, giving her a handshake. “Nice to meet you. I’m Phil, the one you spoke to on the phone, and this is Dan.” He smiled down at Dan in his chair, who gave a salute with his casted arm, and tried to appear friendly despite his darkened mood. The outside was nice, so on the off chance they actually liked this place, he didn’t want to screw up their chances by being an asshole.

“Hello, dears,” the woman greeted nicely, before giving a little chuckle. “You’ll have to excuse me, when I spoke to you on the phone, I had my suspicions, but I’m a little surprised that you two really are the same Dan and Phil that my daughter is always going on about; she watches your videos and radio shows all the time.”

“Oh!” Phil’s eyebrows raise in surprise, and meets Dan’s eye, to see how he feels about this development, but his expression is unreadable. “Well, yeah. That’s us. We really just need to find a new place… recent events make living in a flat with a lot of stairs a bit… difficult.” He coughs a bit, rubbing at the nape of his neck awkwardly.

“Understandable. My daughter, Ana, had told me last week that there was some kind of accident. I’m so sorry. Enough of this though, let’s just go have a look at the flat we have available.”

Phil nods, grateful that she changed the subject, and follows behind, pushing Dan, who is still quiet. They enter into a rather large marble floored foyer that leads to an elevator, which pings brightly as it reaches the ground floor. Thankfully, the elevator is quite spacious, so maneuvering a wheelchair inside is easy, and then they’re on their way up to the fourth floor where the door opens to a small entryway with a table with flowers situated next to a door which the real estate agent unlocks swiftly.

“The last tenants moved all the way to Australia, so some of the furniture will be left in the apartment— I think, a king sized bed in the master suite, and some book cases and an entertainment center, and a small sofa. Other than that, the place is unfurnished.”

They look around the entryway, which opens up into a hallway with a closet and coat hooks, a small wash closet, and access to a rather large lounge, and a sleek looking kitchen. The place is bright with white walls, and sky lights despite the dreary weather outside, and on the far end of the lounge is a large glass doorway that opens onto a balcony much like their old flat in Manchester.

“The kitchen has all new appliances. There’s a working electric fireplace in the lounge and master suite, and strong wifi throughout. There are two and a half bathrooms, and two decently sized spare rooms, and not a stairway in sight. The laundry is located in an alcove off the main hallway.”

They go through the flat behind her, taking in expansive rooms and large picture windows. When they reach the master bedroom, they’re surprised to find that there is indeed another fireplace with a television mount above the mantle, and a massive bathroom with a jacuzzi tub.

“Are you sure this place is in the price range we discussed on the phone?” Phil asks dubiously, having a hard time believing that they could get all this for the same thing they were currently paying at their old place.

“Quite sure, darling. It’s a bit further outside of the city, so that impacts the pricing quite a bit. Not a lot of people are willing to make the commute. I suppose a lot of your work is done from home, though?”

Phil nods, and its Dan who responds, surprising him. “Yeah, mostly. We only really have to go into the BBC a couple of times a month. This place is really nice. Do you mind if Phil and I discuss it for a few minutes?” he asks, smiling at her politely. His grumpiness has dissipated some after seeing how nice the flat really was.

The lady nods, grinning a bit. “No problem, I’ll just leave you and your—er, the two of you to talk.” Dan catches the blush that suddenly pops up on her cheeks at her slip-up, and chuckles as she shuffles from the room. 

Phil walks around from behind Dan’s chair, and sits down on the corner of the bare mattress, so he’s on eye-level.

“So, what do you think?” Dan asks. There’s a shininess in his eyes that Dan can’t help but notice. Phil likes it here. 

“I really like it, but are you sure about being so far from the middle of the city?”

“I don’t mind if you don’t,” Dan says truthfully. “And its near some good shopping centres, and a movie theatre. And I can’t get past that bath tub,” he laughs. “We could have some good times in that.”

“Dan!” Phil chuckles, his cheeks heating up brightly. This is the first time Dan had been remotely flirtatious since the accident, which made him feel like maybe things were starting to turn around.

“Just saying,” says Dan, who is clearly amused by Phil’s reaction. “Anyway, I really like it. I think its the one.”

Phil nods. “It’s perfect. That’s settled, then.”

He wheels Dan out into the lounge where the woman is waiting for them. “We’ll take it!” he announces, and her smile widens.

“Great! I’ll just have you sign some paperwork. When would you like to move in?”

Dan answers, without looking at Phil. “As soon as possible.”

———

Friday comes quickly; moving day. Phil’s birthday. It hasn’t come fast enough, however, and Dan is being driven crazy as he waits for Phil’s return from doing the actual moving of their stuff as his mother continues to fuss over him, obviously anxious that he’ll be on his own again, even though she knows he won’t be alone— he’ll be with Phil, who is possibly even more careful with him now than his own mother. Honestly he’s not entirely sure that a move is the best decision this soon after everything, but he can no longer stand the sympathetic glances his family continue to give him.

Throughout the day Phil texts him pictures of his progress: silly selfies with sad faces as their things are packed up at the apartment they’ve been in for nearly three years, and then excited faces as boxes are piled into their new place. He has recruited Wirrow and Bryony, Louise and Jack Howard and Louise’s husband Matt to help with Darcy who has been playing with their various plushies, and PJ even volunteered to come up from Brighton with his girlfriend so it goes quickly compared to their last move. Dan wishes he were also there to joke with his friends and watch Phil fail at manly shit, but the logistics had been too difficult, and he was still in too much pain to stay awake without napping for more than five or six hours. He also wasn’t sure he was ready for his friends to see him in the state he was in. If the wheelchair wasn’t enough, he still had heavy bruising and scrapes on his face and down the rest of his body.

Finally at half four in the afternoon, he receives a text that Phil would be back soon to collect him, and he settles himself in the sitting room by the television to wait. A bit later he hears his brother shuffle into the room from the front door, a backpack slung over his shoulder and the dog on his heels.

Adrian drops his bag onto the sofa, collapsing lazily next to it.

“Rough day?” Dan asks, amused.  
“Just long,” his brother replies. Dan looks at him for a minute, taking in his appearance. He’s not as boyish as he once was. He’s more athletic and muscular than Dan had been at his age, and his hair is shorter, styled up into a messy quiff. He’s wearing a black band shirt and tight jeans— he has always dressed similarly to Dan, often taking his hand-me-downs, but he also had his own style. It startled Dan a bit to see him looking like such a young adult rather than the scrawny kid he was used to.

His brother seems to be taking in Dan’s appearance in much the same way, and after a moment he speaks.

“Umm, Dan? I feel like i need to apologize. I’ve been such a dick to you and Phil the past couple of years.”

Dan cuts him off. “No, Adrian, don’t. We deserved all of the anger. Its our fault that people were giving you such a hard time.”

“Its not that,” his brother counters, watching as Collin jumps from the ground onto Dan’s lap to lay down. “I just— honestly I was jealous. You got to screw off for a year after college, and then fail Uni and not get into trouble with Mum and Dad for it, and then do what you wanted, and you got so successful, and you were doing so many things and meeting so many cool people, and I just felt like I would never be as good or as cool as you and I was too afraid to fail at anything because I didn't want Mum and Dad to be angry.”

Dan looks at him, somewhat shocked. “Adrian, you do realize that I’ve always been jealous of you too, right?”

“Why?”

“Well, you were always better at things than I was; school, and sports, and making friends. I always kind of thought mum and dad liked you better.”

“You know that all of that was just me trying to compete with my big brother, and compensate, right? Everything you did was so interesting, and I just wanted to be interesting too. And I wanted a best friend like you had. I mean I have lots of friends, but no one super close. I want a real girlfriend. I’ve always been jealous that you have Phil.”

Dan frowns at that. “A, you’ll find someone to love too. I promise. It took me 18 years. Don’t give up on it.”

“I won’t. I just— I want what you have so badly.. someone who will be there for me, who would be willing to sit by my side if I ever had to be in hospital. You’re lucky, you know? I know I’ve been a twat to him, but Phil really loves you, and I’m glad.”

Dan nods. “Phil cares about you, too, you know. You’re my brother, so he kind of loves you by default. He’s always asking me how you’re doing. I hate that I usually can’t answer because we never talk.”

“Sorry. I want to change that, okay? I wanna talk more and be in your life more than I have been. I was so scared when we first went to the hospital and we weren’t sure you would make it. I— I also wanted to ask you something?”

“What is it?” Dan’s suddenly a little worried, because his brother now looks anxious.

“Would, um, would you mind if I started doing youtube too? I mean, I know its your thing, and if you don’t want me to thats okay, but I think I might like it.”

Dan’s eyebrows shoot into his hair. “Really?”

His brother gives a shy nod.

“Adrian, I think that’s brilliant. Its not my thing. That’s the point. Anyone can do youtube, and I think you’d be great at it. Would you like me to help, or let some subscribers know or something? Phil could help too. He’s really good at teaching people how to edit.”

Adrian looks up, relieved. He had half expected Dan to be mad. “That’d be awesome.”

Dan’s smile falters for a moment, however. “You do know though that if you do this you’ll get a lot of stupid people commenting because of me and Phil. I’m really sorry that’s going to happen, but I don’t know how to stop it. Also, I guess you should know that he and I are probably going to be coming out on youtube sometime this spring, so you’ll probably get a lot of questions about that, and about my injury. I’m sorry.”

“That doesn’t matter, Dan. I can handle it. Honestly I’m glad you’re finally going to come out because then I can stop having to lie for you. If there’s anything about your injury you don’t want me saying, then just tell me.”

“Deal.” Dan gives a genuine smile as his brother comes over and gives him a hug. This is the most they’ve talked since Dan went to Uni, and it feels good.

Just then, Phil comes through the door, his eyes widening at the sight of brotherly love he’s greeted with. 

“Woah, what’s going on with you two?” he asks the pair as Adrian stands back up.

Dan grins. “This little brother of mine has just decided to start youtube.”

“Really?” Phil asks, and Adrian just smiles shyly and nods, before jumping upright. 

“Oh! Phil! I’ve got something for you!”

He digs in his backpack before pulling out a hastily wrapped object, and handing it over to the black haired man. “Happy birthday!”

Phil takes the gift, his glance shifting to Dan, who looks just as surprised as he feels but gives a nod as if telling him to open it. Phil tears off the paper to reveal a special edition copy of the first several Scott Pilgrim comics in a hardbound book.

“Wow, Adrian, this is so awesome!”

The young boy is looking at the ground now, his cheeks flushed. “I saw in your video that you liked Seconds, so I just thought, maybe…”

“Its great!” Unable to stop himself he gives the boy a little side hug before letting him go to shuffle from the room. To Phil this totally feels like the olive branch of peace between himself and Dan’s brother, and that in itself was the greatest birthday present he could have hoped for.

“I think he’s really trying to get along with you now,” says Dan. “I like it.”

Phil looks to Dan. “Me too.” 

Dan raises his arms and makes grabby hands at Phil, who comes closer, bending down to give him a tight hug and a kiss, blushing as Dan whispers huskily in his ear. “You get your birthday gift from me later if I can stay awake tonight. Are you ready to leave?”

—————

It feels good to ender a flat with Phil that evening. Despite the boxes filling the room, and the clutter and empty walls, it already feels like home with the addition of their sofa, and the dining table with the colorful chairs. Dan motors himself from room to room, exploring more closely than he had on the tour, opening cupboards, and closets and peeking into bathrooms and bedrooms. It kind of feels like another Christmas.

After a bit he wheels back out into the lounge, where Phil is sitting with a cup of tea for each of them, and attempting to unpack and sort their DVD and games collection onto a large bookcase.

“You alright?” he asks. Phil doesn’t look so excited anymore. Not like he had when he arrived back at Dan’s parents’ house to collect him.  
“Yeah. Its just… there’s something I wanted to ask you about, but I didn’t…”

“What is it, Phil?” Dan steers his chair so he’s parallel to Phil’s legs, and is able to grab his hand, stilling it from reaching for more film boxes.

“Umm, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to just share a room permanently here, instead of have two separate rooms. You know, since there’s a king bed and a jacuzzi and fireplace and all? If not, then you should have the big room.”

Dan just shakes his head at Phil. “I thought that was the plan all along, silly. I’m not sleeping without you, especially in such a big room— In fact, I’m not sure if I can, since I can’t even put myself to bed properly.”

“But what about filming?” Phil asks. “Everything is different. You don’t mind?”

“Well, we’re in a different house. Of course its going to look different. Honestly, Phil, I think we’ll just have to explain everything to the viewers… maybe in a house tour video?”

Phil’s blue eyes snap up to Dan’s. “Everything. You mean that, Dan? Really?” He’s trying to conceal the happiness from his voice.

“I do, Phil. I think maybe its finally time. I was, uh, going to suggest it anyway kind of as your birthday gift, you know, since I wasn’t able to actually get you anything, and I know you’ve wanted to for so long. I just— I love you. That’s not going to change, and you’ve been so great with everything. I just want the rest of the world to know it too—I think I’m finally ready.”

Phil’s grasp on his hand tightens, and Dan thinks he can see a sheen of tears building in his eyes, and Phil’s mind drifts again to the pressing of the ring box in his pocket.

“Okay, then. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.”


	6. January 31, 2015

————  
January 31, 2015

“Hey guys!” Phil starts, sitting on the couch, and looking directly into the camera as usual. Its the same couch, and they had hung their Muse poster in the same spot above it as the last flat, so nothing really looked different yet, as it was zoomed in pretty tight. “Thank you for all of the birthday wishes! Sorry its been so long since a video, but Dan and I both really appreciate the time and understanding. Right now though, we’re back, with some things we think you all should know.” He pauses, glancing at Dan who is sitting in his new wheelchair next to the arm of the couch where Phil is settled. Phil reaches forward and zooms the camera out so Dan is in frame as well.

“We’ve moved!” Dan says, as cheerily as possible. “We’re now in a one floor flat so I can wheel around in this transformers monstrosity” He adjusts his chair for a moment, showing off the height change function, attempting to make light of his new situation on camera. He feels rather uncomfortable, and while the chair is most of the problem, its not helped by the fact that his hair isn’t straight because he doesn’t quite trust Phil to do it for him without burning his forehead, and that skinny jeans had been too hard to get onto his body without being able to support his weight for Phil on both hands, so he’s sat in sweats and his Donnie Darko shirt, and he still has a greenish blue bruise on his left cheekbone surrounding a scrape.

“As you know, our old place had a lot of stairs,” Phil says, “So we decided to just move, because why not? It wouldn’t have been the same for me to live there without Dan, so this was the best option. Anyway, on to an apartment tour! Excuse the boxes, as we’re still setting things up. You’ll all get a gist of the space though! It feels so much bigger than our last flat even though it has the same number of rooms. The ceilings are so high here!”

They go through the house, showing the lounge and then the kitchen, and then the hallway bathroom complete with 1D poster, and what will be the office, before heading down the hall pointing out the guest room and ending in the large master bedroom, where they turned off the camera. Phil helped to lift Dan onto the bed and got him propped up against the pillows so he could sit beside Phil for this part without the chair. They’ve got a new duvet on the bed that looks like a giant abstract watercolor of muted greens, blues, blacks, and greys that looks very much like a blending of their personalities, and Dan loves it for being so unironically symbolic. It had been a house warming gift from Phil's parents and brother who had to visit and help unpack that morning and to check that Dan had settled okay. 

Dan and Phil had spent most of their evening prior talking over everything, making sure that they were really ready for this public step, and this morning they had told Phil's family, and had also called Dan's so that none of them would be shocked to see the video. 

Now that they were sitting here however, both boys felt incredibly nervous.

“Are you sure you’re ready, Dan? Its not too late to just forget this entire thing. I really wouldn’t mind.”

Dan nods, finding his voice. “I’m ready, Phil. Just turn the camera on.”

Phil does, leaning into it to check that its focused before climbing back to sit next to Dan. 

“And this is the master bedroom” Phil announces.   
“Our master bedroom,” Dan clarifies for him, looking over at the man next to him and taking Phil’s hand in his casted one before turning back to the camera. “This is it, guys. We’re finally coming out.”

“We can practically hear the internet breaking from here,” Phil says, wincing comically before looking at Dan and speaking seriously again.

“Seriously though, this isn’t easy for us, but we’re finally ready. We’re ready to not have to hide anything, and its not just because of recent events.” He looks back at the camera as Dan watches him carefully. They hadn’t scripted this part of the video and he isn’t sure what he’s going to say until its coming out of his mouth.

“I’ve recently had to learn what real fear is,” Phil says, staring straight into the camera. “We know you all don’t have the full story of what happened, and I’m not sure if you will ever know because its Dan’s to tell and not mine, but in that moment when the car made impact I saw everything that I love flash before my eyes and it was the first time I really understood how impermanent life is, and that is real fear. Just the thought of losing Dan was nearly unbearable and it wouldn't have been the first time I'd lose a best friend, and by some miracle, he’s still with me.” He looks to Dan again with tears now in his eyes, and smiles slightly as the brunette leans his head onto his shoulder. “The notion of losing him made me realize that I need to spend less time worrying about hiding our relationship, and more time simply cherishing the time that I do get to have with him.”

Dan picks his head up from Phil’s shoulder and looks at the camera. “It was mostly me who didn’t want anything to be public, but you all probably already guessed that. I’ve never, um, never really be comfortable with myself or my sexuality, and honestly I was pretty hopeless until I met Phil. He’s the one who taught me that I don’t need to care too much about everyone else, as long as I feel happy, and he makes me the happiest that anybody probably could.” He looks at Phil with love in his eyes, earning a smile in return.

“So yeah,” Dan says, “This point of this video is to finally tell the truth. I love Phil, and I hope to get to love him forever. We haven’t always been together, and our history has had its ups and downs, and we’re not really ever sure that we see each other as boyfriends in the traditional sense anyway so that has never been our relationship status, and probably never will be, but we do love each other. Our families know and support us for the most part, and our friends all know, so the last thing to do was to tell you all.”

Phil nods and leans forward to kiss Dan’s forehead, and can’t help but think for a moment how many gifs of it will probably end up on Tumblr later, but it makes him smile. “Things are going to be a little crazy, coming up, as we continue to work on sorting out a rather new lifestyle, so we would appreciate if you all continue to be as patient with us as you have been.” he says, looking into the camera again. “My AmazingPhil channel isn’t going anywhere, but updates may not be as frequent for a little while.”

“And danisnotonfire will be back,” Dan says, nodding, “but probably not right away. There is still a lot to figure out and adjust to and it will be a while before I’m feeling strong enough to do much and by that time I’ll hopefully be starting some physical therapy and working on recovery. But I really do want to say thank you for all of the kind words and well wishes you all have been sending. When I’m awake and feeling okay I promise I have been reading them, and you have no idea how much it helps!”

Phil nods enthusiastically. He had read many of the little messages on twitter and tumblr, and they had helped him as well as Dan. “We’ll try to upload some short unedited vloggy things on our side channels every now and then when something interesting happens, and we’re always on twitter and lurking on our blogs. Again, thank you all for being so supportive, and sorry that this video was so serious, but we thought it was important! That’s it I guess!”

He looks at Dan and then back at the camera after receiving a nod. He raises his hand, waving as Dan does his salute with his casted arm. “Bye guys!”

 

It takes about three hours for Phil to edit with Dan sat next to him dozing in his chair. They watch it twice before uploading, just to make sure that they’re happy with it. Finally its up and processing and Dan picks up his phone, about to tweet for the first time since New Years Eve.

danisnotonfire: Consider my internet silence officially ended! New video with @AmazingPhil on his channel in about ten minutes, and its an important one! 

He looks up at Phil, biting his lip. “I’m nervous.”

Phil nods, sitting back in the office chair. “Me too, bear, but we’ll be okay. Any hate we get at this point just doesn’t matter.”

15 minutes later, and the comments and mentions start pouring in.


	7. February 7, 2015

February 7, 2015

Dan is feeling extremely down, and Phil knows it. He can feel it, even from across the room from where Dan is sat on the couch on his laptop just how Phil had helped him position himself an hour ago. 

He’s been quiet since waking up, just nodding when Phil suggests something like breakfast, or would he want to move to the couch? Phil knew that he would have to find a way to break through his shell and get him to talk at some point during the day if he was going to keep him from bottling it up until he eventually blows with frustration and tears like he does from time to time. Getting an idea, Phil stands from the arm chair, and begins to make his way to their room, telling Dan that he thinks he’s going to finish organizing his wardrobe. That’s not the plan though.

While in a department store the other day while PJ hung out with Dan he had found some sturdy metal handle bars to help disabled people get in and out of a tub or shower on their own, and hadn’t gotten around to installing them yet. Now, he makes quick work of it with his cordless hammer drill. Bet Dad thought I’d never use it, he muses. He fills the bath as well, dropping in a bath bomb that Bryony had given him for christmas, transforming the water into a deep blue swirling pool, and turns on the jacuzzi jets to let it bubble away.

“Phil!” he hears dan shouting from the lounge, and a smile forms on his lips as his plan to get Dan talking was working already. “What the hell is all that noise?”

Quickly, Phil goes into their room and grabs two pairs of pajamas, and lays them on the sink by some fluffy towels, and then goes into the living room to find Dan.

The boy is staring up at him with an annoyed glint in his eye when he walks into the lounge. “Phil, what the hell are you doing? It sounds like you’re destroying the bloody wardrobe, not sorting it.” Phil just grins at his ornery lover. 

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” he says simply, wheeling dan’s chair over to line it up with the couch. He helps Dan into the chair, spotting him as he supports his own weight and pivots on his outstretched legs to pull himself up into it instead of just being lifted. He’s been working on this all week after getting some lessons during a doctor’s visit after he had a soft cast put on to replace the hard one as his wrist was more healed. 

Phil walks to the bedroom and then into the bathroom, letting Dan follow him at his own pace. Dan’s eyes widen as he takes in the sight of the inviting bath. They hadn’t used the jacuzzi yet. It had been easier to get Dan into and out of the normal tub in the hall bathroom. Now though, with the new bars in place it would be pretty simple. 

“Phil? How did you even…”  
Phil giggles at Dan’s surprise, happy to have put a bit of a smile on his face for the first time all day. “I found them when I went out shopping the other day. I thought it’d be a nice surprise.”

Dan turns his chair to face him. “It is. Thank you, Phil.” He gets lost staring up at Phil for a minute before shaking his head. “Help me out of these clothes?” he asks innocently.

Phil nods, and moves forward, pulling Dan’s shirt off and over his head. Even though Dan is able to do that bit himself, he finds that he enjoys Phil’s gentle careful way of doing it much better. Phil then leans down, and pulls off Dan’s socks a foot at a time, throwing them in a pile with the shirt, and then Dan props his elbows on the armrests of his chair, using his arm strength to lift his lower body off of the chair, allowing Phil to reach his waist band, pulling his trousers and pants off at the same time. Dan watches as Phil yanks off his own shirt, pulling it from the back of the neck, and then steps out of his bottoms as well. Helping Dan position himself so he can hold onto the support bars, he gets his legs up and over the edge of the tub so he’s sitting upright in the middle before Phil climbs in as well, sitting behind him, and pulling him in-between his legs.

Dan relaxes after a minute of getting used to the temperature, and leans back against Phil’s chest as the older boy wraps his arms around his torso and buries his face in Dan’s neck. Its quiet for several minutes before Phil speaks.

“What’s on your mind, bear? You’ve been quiet all day.”

With the length of Dan’s sigh, Phil is able to judge the length of the impending conversation; long.

“We’re missing playlist. Its the first time that’s ever happened.”

“I know.”

Dan turns to look at Phil’s face. “Do you regret not going? I feel bad that you’re stuck here with me instead of off in Florida at Disney or something.”

Phil shakes his head. “No. Of course not. Our life right now may not be the most fun or exciting, but I’d rather be here with you than anywhere else.”

“Why do I feel like you’re just saying that?” he asks, and Phil’s heart gives a painful jolt.

“I promise you, Dan, I’m not. You’re the most important thing to me, and honestly I’d choose sitting here in a nice warm bathtub with the man I love over anything else, any day of the week.”

Its quiet again, and Phil fills it by placing periodic kisses to Dan’s shoulders. 

“I’m scared I’ll never get better,” Dan says after a bit, and the sadness and fear in his voice is palpable. Phil knows though, that its better to be truthful right now than to offer false hope.  
“You might not, love. You’re life’s not over, though.”

“I know. I just— I want to feel again, so badly.”

Phil nods and chooses his words carefully. He hasn’t had the nerve to ask yet, and feels bad for even wondering, but he is honestly curious. “Erm, Dan… How much can you feel? I mean, If I were to run my hand down your leg or whatever, where does the feeling stop and start?”

He’s surprised when Dan takes his hand then, and places it at the apex of his hip and right leg, and slowly brings it down about six inches below his hip to the middle of his thigh. “About right there is where it stops. Its a little less on the other side. His voice is so matter of fact that it makes Phil want to cry, and he slots his face back into the crook of Dan’s neck and just breathes, bringing his hand back to Dan’s hip to rub slow circles with his thumb.

“What does it feel like?” he asks, and Dan responds slowly. 

“Like… sometimes, like nothing. Like I’ve literally got no legs attached to me and that part of my body is just floating. Other times it tingles and hurts in my upper thighs where I can feel still and I just can’t get comfortable, but I just try to push it away and ignore it. Sometimes it feels normal and like I’ve still got legs until I try to move and can’t and that’s the scariest part. I guess that’s the whole phantom limb thing that you hear about on the telly.”

Phil moves so his forehead is resting agains the base of Dan’s neck, his lips tickling the top of Dan’s spine as he talks. “You’re braver than me. I wouldn’t be able to deal with it like you have, I don’t think.”

“I don’t feel brave.” Dan seems to deflate in his arms. 

“You’re so brave, Dan. You— you fought. When the ambulance arrived after it happened they didn’t think you’d make it even to the hospital, but you fought. You held on.” Phil feels tears choking in his throat, but keeps talking. He hadn’t told Dan what had happened yet. He didn’t think anyone did, but Dan needed to know, to understand his own strength. “You were bleeding in the road, and you weren’t moving and I was so fucking scared. I thought I was going to lose you if I hadn’t already. Even when they got you stabilized I was afraid. They said you had a 50-50 chance, and after surgery it would go up if you made it through. I was so relieved when you did, but I still had no way of knowing if you would wake up, or when, or if you would be the same Dan when you did. The whole first six hours there when it was most critical, they wouldn’t tell me anything. I’m not a blood relative, so I didn’t matter. All I could do was wait until your parents got there.”

“That’s a stupid law,” Dan mutters, and Phil nods against his warm neck again, nose buried in the hair now growing long behind Dan’s ears, and thinks once more to the ring in his jeans pocket on the floor of the bathroom. That ring could solve that problem for them— make it so if anything were to happen to Dan, Phil would be allowed to be there. Its then that he makes up his mind. He would still ask Dan, and he would do it soon. He just had to figure out how. He had missed the midnight on new year’s opportunity, but he would still find a way to make it romantic. As much as Dan scoffed at it, Phil knew first hand how much of a hopeless romantic he really was, and he couldn’t help thinking back to two Valentines ago when Phil had come home to his favorite takeout sushi, and candles, and those silly Mario piranha plant flowers in a vase on the table, and Dan looking gorgeous in a suit. Yes, he was determined to make his proposal special for Dan— his Dan, who used to complain that he was never romantic or spontaneous, only because he knew his complaining would make Phil give him the world. Now, after everything, Phil was more prepared than ever to give his Daniel the world.


	8. February 14, 2015

February 14, 2015

When Dan’s mum drops him back at his apartment after another doctor’s appointment, all he wants to do is take a nap. He was tired and hurting, and the whole appointment was made so much worse by the fact that Phil hadn’t been there as well. He didn’t need Phil to constantly hold his hand at these things, but it was something he had gotten used to over the years— him being there at the doctor’s too, ever since he moved to Manchester. Sure it was silly but it was a comfort thing. Phil calmed his anxiety better than anyone, and his anxiety always skyrocketed in places like hospitals. Yes, he had a Xanax prescription now to help because panic attacks had become pretty regular after the accident, but he didn’t like relying on medicine when all he really needed was that warm hand in his own.

Now that he was home he just wanted to curl up for a bit and sleep while he waited for Phil to get back from his meeting, and then have an oh so romantic valentines dinner of takeaway pizza and cheap wine and chocolate while they marathon Harry Potter.

He wheels himself into the elevator, opting to do so with his arms rather than the motorized function because it makes him feel like he has a bit more control, and then unlocks the apartment door, letting himself in only to immediately be confused by the sight of Phil, pacing the living room in his blue heart covered button-up. He eyes Phil as the older makes his way over to him, confusion growing.

“Phil… what’s going on? I thought you were at the BBC today.”

The raven haired man smiles sheepishly, grabbing the back of Dan’s chair and pushing him into the center of the room. “Little white lie,” he explains, before coming around to face Dan again, who’s about respond to that with annoyance, and shushes him. 

“I’ve been working on something important that I’d like to show you.”

“Phil, what..” he’s cut off as Phil clicks play on the tiny apple tv remote Dan hadn’t seen in his hand, and a video pops up on the screen of Phil dressed in the same shirt he’s wearing at the moment and his glasses, sitting on the edge of their bed. 

“Hello Dan. Erm. Hi. You just left for the doctor’s with your mum, and you’ll be back soon, so I don’t have a lot of time to do this, but, well, happy valentines day…again. This seems familiar, doesn’t it?” The video Phil laughs, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth while his eyes crinkle. “I know you said we weren’t going to do anything, because you always say that, but we always do anyway, and I just wanted to make something to tell you how much I love you,and hopefully this video turns out better than last time.”

Dan stares, dumbfounded at the image of Phil on the screen looking sweetly into the camera as he talks, as if he’s talking straight to Dan in person, and already he can feel his throat closing up with emotion. Their song is playing in the background, and this is all so familiar.

The video-Phil continues. “Dan, the day I met you in person was one of the happiest days of my life. I was so nervous, but then I saw you step off of the train and my heart was pounding so hard, and I was so afraid you wouldn’t like me, but then you hugged me right away and you were bouncing up and down like a puppy, and when you kissed me for the first time later that day I couldn’t believe it. I used to think that I fell in love with you slowly, but looking back, I think I had loved you from the beginning; ever since our very first Skype conversation. You were so young and needlessly insecure, Dan, but you were wonderful, and now you’ve grown into such an amazing, mature, smart, funny, and unbelievably beautiful man, and I’m so happy that I got to be there to grow with you. Do you remember Jamaica? How we got tired of the cameras on us and decided to get drunk in the hotel instead and we snuck out to skinny dip in the pool at 3am and got caught? Or Vegas for your birthday. God, I’ll never forget that: how I got sick from the room service and felt so horrible for ruining the last day of your birthday trip, but you said you didn’t care because you would rather be with me eating vending machine gummies and watching informercials than in any casino on the Vegas strip. I think that’s when I fully understood that you actually, properly, loved me back. Every day with you has been the best day, Dan, and it doesn’t matter what we do. Without you, my life wouldn’t be what it is now, and I’ve been thanking every star I can name and some super heroes too that you’re still here to share it with me. So now, bear, I have a question for you.”

The video cuts off but the music continues, and Dan looks up at Phil who has tears in his eyes as well. Phil grasps both of Dan’s hands, and carefully kneels down in front of his chair, looking up into his eyes, and Dan is immediately aware of what’s happening, but feels frozen in the spot, and not just because he can’t walk away.

“Dan, I’ve loved you now for nearly six years, and I can’t picture my life without you. You are the best person in the world and I love you so much. I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to stay with forever.” He pauses, and reaches into his pocket, and that’s when Dan really starts to choke up, grasping tightly to Phil’s left hand.

He pulls out the tiny box that he’s been carrying for so long— a little black velvet thing, and props it open in his hand to reveal a white gold band with a black diamond inlaid on the top, and Dan can suddenly hear his own heart pounding in his ears.

“Daniel James Howell, will you make me the happiest man in the world and be my husband?”

Dan is incapable of finding his voice, so he just nods vigorously, pulling Phil forward and up by his hand into the most passionate kiss he can manage. Its not until they pull apart that he can speak again, and Phil is grinning like an idiot, his face flushed red.

“Yes, Phil. Of course, yes. I love you so fucking much.”

Phil chuckles, and picks up Dan’s left hand, sliding the ring onto his ring finger, and Dan can’t help but look down to admire it before pulling Phil into another kiss. After a minute the music from Phil’s video ends, and he suddenly becomes aware of his surroundings again.

Dan looks up to Phil, who seems like a giddy child now, and lets himself be wheeled over to the couch. “How long did it take you to plan this?” Dan asks.

Phil shrugs, still unable to contain his grin. “The original plan was to ask you on New Years at midnight when everyone was here for the party, but obviously I had to postpone it a while. But now it’s happened, and I can finally stop thinking about it and carrying that little box 24/7!” 

He wheels dan over to the couch, and helps him settle there so that he can sit down and pull him onto his lap. “I hope you don’t mind, but I was kind of filming this whole thing. Its up to you if you ever want it posted, though.”

Dan nods, laughing. “I kind of suspected. Is the video you just played posted?”

Phil shakes his head. “No. Not yet. Didn’t want to risk it again, after the last valentines video disaster. Plus you could have accidentally seen it early on your phone and I couldn’t let that happen, could I? If its okay with you I think I’ll take the footage of the actual proposal and put it on the end of the video.”

Dan settles himself into Phil as he’s pulled onto the elder’s lap, wrapping his arm around his shoulders to hold himself in place and looking again at the ring as his hand rests on Phil’s broad shoulder. When Dan can no longer hold back his yawns, he lets himself be scooped up bridal style, thinking of the irony in that, and he’s carried to their bedroom.

“Phil?” Dan picks his head up from the older one’s shoulder.  
“Mmm?”  
“Love you.”

Dan scoots himself into a comfortable position after he’s set down, and Phil pulls a blanket over him.

“Love you too, bear. Get some sleep and I’ll wake you later for dinner. You start physio tomorrow so you need to rest. I’m gonna go edit this video.”


	9. February 28, 2015

February 28th

Dan sighs and continues to scroll down the Tumblr dash. Phil was out for the day having lunch with his parents and seeing a show, and Dan had declined the invite to tag along, not wanting to slow them down as he inevitably would have, or at least that's what he told himself. Phil had argued and pouted but eventually gave up. Dan was in a particularly self deprecating mood and wouldn’t have relented easily no matter how much Phil or Phil’s mum swore he wouldn’t be a burden, so Phil had left in a bit of an annoyed huff, and Dan had stayed to sulk on the couch and think about how Phil would come home still upset that Dan hadn’t gone just like he always did when Dan let his social anxiety and self loathing get in the way of potentially fun plans. That had always been an a thing that annoyed Phil about his lover, but Dan didn’t know how to stop doing it.

Phil was now his fiancé, officially, which was odd to think about. He looked down at his ring again, unable to fight back the fond smile that crossed his lips. It was perfect. Phil had chosen a ring that suited Dan so well. Really, Phil had done so much for Dan these past couple of months that it was ridiculous, all the way down to helping him onto the toilet and tying Dan’s shoe laces, and lately he had been worried that it would get too much for Phil and that the older man would get fed up and leave. He desperately wanted to do something for him as well, but was struggling to think of anything that he could possibly pull off by himself that would make Phil happy and help him to de-stress. Ever since the accident Phil had taken everything upon himself, and Dan wasn’t sure how to keep him from doing that because he was stubborn by nature and always refused Dan’s offers to help. It was ridiculous. Phil did the shopping, Phil filled out the bills and taxes, Phil did the tidying up, and the wash, and smiled about it all even though his shoulders were stiff and aching, and he was exhausted most of the time now and Dan felt completely useless. 

Clicking back through his bookmarks he pulled up a page he had looked at a million times in the past couple of weeks trying to narrow down choices- a jeweler on Etsy who does custom inscriptions on wedding and engagement bands for men. After going through the options for the millionth time, he decided to just do it— this was something he could give Phil; something that would have meaning. Carefully ticking off all the boxes he wanted and writing up a description, Dan presses order and fills out his credit card info. Phil’s engagement ring would be simple and understated, but unique, just like him; a white gold band with an inscription on the inside: “this is the best time i’ve ever had.” 

He waits for a confirmation e-mail to come through before closing his laptop and hauling himself gracelessly into his wheelchair. He had gotten quite good at doing that on his own now, which helped a lot, and from all the use of his arms, Phil kept teasing that he was turning quite buff. Dan however still felt like a useless lump. Pulling his phone out of the pocket of the hoodie he’s wearing; his grey one with the horns, he opens it up to text Phil before wheeling himself to the kitchen to make some lunch.

D: hope the day is going well. miss you. sorry for being such a prick this morning. x

Its a few minutes before he gets a response, and when he does his heart sinks a little.

P: It would be going better if you had decided to come instead of being lazy and blowing me off after I told you about this a week ago, but I guess you just don’t care.

Aware that responding now would probably just piss Phil off further, Dan puts his phone up on the counter and continues to make a sandwich, once again reminded of how lovely his fiancé is and how much he himself completely sucks as a human, because Phil had thought to move all of Dan’s favorite foods and the dishes and cups he uses most to low pantries where he can reach them in his chair. Suddenly he has no more appetite. Responding to that text could start a massive fight that he doesn’t want to have while he’s feeling this way, but did Phil really think that Dan doesn’t care?

“Right. Fuck it.” Dan says to himself, shoving his phone into his pocket and heading to the door where he struggles to get his shoes on; a pair of trainers with zips instead of laces because its too painful to lean over for very long, and then he’s yanking on his black jacket before picking up his wallet and keys from the small table by the doorway. In the elevator down to the bottom floor his palms are already starting to sweat. This is the first time he’s gone out by himself in two months, and its terrifying, but he needs to make it up to Phil. If Phil feels like he doesn’t care then he just has to prove him wrong.

It seems to take forever just to get to the tube station in the misty rain, and its even more of a trek to maneuver through the crowds to swipe his oyster card and head down to the platform. Even worse, he feels as if every person he passes is staring straight at him, judging him. Wanting a distraction, he pulls out his phone and plugs in his headphones, turning on a mellow playlist hoping that the music will calm his racing pulse.

When the train pulls up, other patrons move aside to let him roll on first and maneuver himself into the car’s wheelchair spot, keeping his eyes down. This whole thing is probably a stupid idea and he should have stayed home and waited, but he’s on the train now and it would be a complete waste of time to turn back. Turning the music up he decides to just concentrate on breathing and watching the stations pass out the window. Four more stops on Bakerloo to Piccadilly, where he would have to change lines to get to Leicester Sq. in order to actually get to the Queen’s Theatre where Carrie had invited them to see her in Les Miserables. He should have just gone with Phil and his parents that morning. 

As the train gets closer to the west end, the car begins to fill up even more, the crowds pressing in on him and he tries to focus once more on his breathing. Next stop he would have to get out. He would have to maneuver past all of these people in this massive fucking chair. 

— Piccadilly Circus. Please move to the center of the car. —

Dan finally looks up and around, trying to get the attention of the people between him and the door. 

“Excuse me, could you please umm— could I get through, please— excuse me” His pleas seem to fall on deaf ears as no one makes to move, so unable to do anything else, Dan starts wheeling forward anyway, making people part to let him through, trying to ignore all of the annoyed huffs he receives in his wake, but unable to ignore the muttered “fucking cripple” from a business man on his left. Keeping his eyes down, he keeps breathing steadily until he’s on the platform with the train doors closing behind him before he feels tears stinging his eyes. This was why he had refused to go out with Phil in the first place; people like that, who would pass judgment on just how much of a waste of space he is now. Biting his lip and swallowing the lump in his throat he continues on his way. All he wants is to find Phil and surprise him and maybe he’ll avoid at least part of the inevitably impending fight.

———

Phil is angry, but he’s also quickly turning into a nervous wreck. He had been looking forward to a day with his parents since he hadn’t seen them for his birthday this year and he wanted Dan with him. He had wanted to show off Dan’s ring and gush over him to his mother while eating expensive food. He had also been looking forward to a night out at the theatre with Dan. That was something they used to do together all the time before the accident: movies and shows and concerts. He just didn’t think it would be nearly as enjoyable without Dan’s snarky comments and the way he would inevitably be reduced to tears at some point during the show and try and hide it. It had now been nearly two hours since he had replied to Dan’s text, and he hadn’t heard back. Logically, he knows that Dan was probably delaying response so as not to start an argument, but the argument was already started, and his fiance’s silence was just making him scared that maybe something happened— maybe Dan fell and couldn’t get up, or had hurt himself somehow. A million possibilities were flashing through his mind and now there was no way he was going to be able to enjoy this show, which in turn made him even more irritable.

He understood Dan’s reluctance to go out. He really did. But at some point he would have to face it, and Phil felt that the sooner that happened the better. He doesn’t want Dan hiding himself away for the rest of his life, only leaving the flat for doctors appointments and physical therapy. He missed his best friend, who would go on spontaneous adventures with him— jaunts into the city for bubble tea, or board games, or late night walks by the Thames. He missed letting go and having fun with Dan. And as much as he missed his best friend, he also missed his lover. Since the accident things had been so serious and sombre, and Dan had pretty much kept to himself, and Phil had tried. He has tried so hard to get his love’s attention; to romance him. Especially with the whole Valentines proposal thing. Of course he understood that Dan was still in a lot of pain, and often exhausted, but even in bed at night he had shied away from letting Phil touch him and cuddle or kiss him, and that wasn’t sitting well with Phil either.

Phil is suddenly roused from his thoughts when his mother shakes his forearm, and he looks up. They’re already in front of the theatre— he hadn’t realized they had walked that far already— but that’s not what’s jarring. There, sitting in his chair by the door of the place is Dan, looking thoroughly disheveled and out of place with obvious redness and tear stains on his face, but offering Phil a small crooked smile nonetheless. His mother leans over, telling him that she and his father would see him inside, and then rushes away to give the two of them some space.

Phil shuffles over to Dan slowly, feeling apprehensive.

“Phil, I’m so sorry. I was being an ass.”

“Dan, what are you doing here? How did you even get here?”

“Train.” the brunette answers meekly, and Phil just stares. 

“You mean, you actually fought the tube in rush hour just to get all the way here…”

“To see you. To apologize. Yeah.” Dan bites his lip again, looking up at his tall fiancé.

“Oh my god, Dan. You could have been hurt, you could have—“

“Phil, its okay. I'm fine. Mentally scarred maybe, but in one piece.”

Phil sighs, and kneels down in front of the wheelchair, so he can see Dan’s face more closely. “You’ve been crying.”

Dan shrugs, not wanting Phil to worry more. “It was an interesting journey. But I’m here now, okay? And I just want to go and see this show with my favorite person, and forget about everything else for a bit. Total immersion in the french revolution, alright?”

Phil hesitates, but nods. “Alright. We’re talking about this later though.”

Dan nods. He knows that he can’t completely avoid the impending discussion, but he’s glad he’s with Phil now. Maybe he should have just sucked it up and gone all along. Before Phil is able to stand up, Dan takes his hand.

“Hey, I love you. You know that, right?”

Phil just looks at him for a moment, taking in his wrecked appearance. His crazy fiancé had just battled two hours on the tube at rush hour in a wheel chair in the rain to get here because he felt bad for his own behavior. He nods, a small smile making its way onto his face. “Yeah. I know you do. Love you too.” When he leans down to kiss Dan on the lips right then and there he realizes that its technically their first public display of affection since coming out, not to mention getting engaged, and that alone makes him a bit happier already.


	10. March 1, 2015

March 1, 2015

The play was amazing, and tear inducing, and Carrie was fantastic, and afterwards they had drinks with Phil’s parents to be polite before making the trek back home. The tube was much more pleasant now that it was less crowded, but Dan still felt uncomfortable in the public eye, and although he knows that Phil still loves him and has been holding his hand and would forgive him for being so stubborn and reclusive, the elder of the two is still being quiet, and Dan doesn’t dare interrupt his thoughts. 

When they reach the Finchley Road station where they get off, Phil starts to push Dan’s chair, and Dan lets him. He’s aching after so much exertion, and having not had his usual nap today, and if Phil wants to take control right now then he’d let him. Finally when they’re safely in their flat, and Dan expects Phil to say something, he gets nothing. Phil just stops pushing the chair, and walks around him in the hallway, making his way to their bedroom, kicking his shoes and socks off on the way and leaving them in the hall, probably to annoy Dan.

Dan gives him a few minutes before motoring into the room. He expects to find Phil still washing up, or sitting on the computer, but instead he’s already in bed with the lights off and his back to Dan’s side. With a sigh, Dan sheds his coat and bends down with some effort to yank his shoes off before struggling to lift himself onto the bed as well, not caring that he’s still fully dressed or unable to get under the covers on his own. He knows that Phil is still awake, and he needs to make him talk.

“Phil… I’m sorry.” He places a hand on his shoulder, only to have it shrugged off, and that hurts more than Dan would like to admit. He chokes back tears, wanting to stay strong.

“Phil…”  
“Do you even know what you’re sorry for, Dan?” Phil is definitely angry now, if he hadn’t been before. That or he’s just letting it show now that they’re home.

“For backing out of plans last minute? Look, I’m sorry, Phil. I just got scared and overwhelmed. I should have gone out with you all along, okay?” His voice rises defensively.

“Yes, you should have, but that’s not why I’m most angry, Dan.” He can tell from Phil’s movements that the elder has raised his hands to rub at his face in frustration. “What made me angrier than I would have been was how you didn’t respond to my text. I started freaking out, thinking of all the scenarios in which you weren’t able to respond; that you had fallen somehow or gotten hurt, or I don’t even know what! And then when I saw you in front of the theater with tears on your cheeks I was even angrier with myself for being such a dick to you in my text when all you did was tell me you missed me and to have a good day. And I’m angry for not having been with you on the train, but you didn’t even tell me you were coming! What if something had happened, Dan? What if something had gone wrong?”

“I… I”m sorry Phil. I just wanted to make it up to you. I didn’t really think it through. You just seemed so mad and I felt horrible. Especially after the fucking peanut butter and everything, and —“

Phil turns around finally to face him. “Peanut butter?”

“Yes, Phil. The fucking peanut butter. I went to make a sandwich, and realized that you had put everything where I could reach it, and that made me feel like even worse shit because you’re way too good for me, and part of me still feels like I could wake up tomorrow and you’d just be a dream. You’ve been doing so much, and don’t let me help, and I’m practically useless now and I’ve been afraid that you’ll realize it and get fed up and leave, okay? I got scared that I’d lose you and panicked and made a rash decision.”

Phil’s face fell as he talked, and he went from looking angry to sad. “Why would you think I’d ever leave you? Dan, in case you’d forgotten I just asked you to marry me three weeks ago. Obviously I intend on sticking around forever, or did you not realize that that’s how commitment works?”

“I don’t know, Phil. I just.. everything has been so different, and you’ve been so tense and stressed and I got scared.”

“Obviously things have been different. You’re in a wheelchair, Dan! That’s not a small change. Plus we’ve just moved house, and came out to the internet, and so much has happened and I’m sorry I’ve been stressed out, but I’ve just been trying to make things easier for you and keep our careers afloat— to make this transition okay, because I can’t imagine what it must be like on your end. And I haven’t been able to film anything since the engagement video because the fans and everybody else just have so many questions about everything and I’m overwhelmed, and I haven’t known how to talk to you about it because I know you haven’t even wanted near a camera, and you haven’t left the house until today except for appointments, and then at night you’re so tired and distant that I feel like we can’t talk. You don’t even let me touch you anymore, Dan. You’re about to be my husband, and you won’t even let me touch you.”

“Phil… babe…” The sob that Dan’s been holding finally makes its way out, and now Phil has tears in his eyes too. 

“Why can’t I hold you anymore, Dan? Why won’t you let me touch you?”

“Because the man on the train was right.”

“What?”

Dan can’t hold it in any longer. He’s shaking, and he’s exhausted and hurting, so he just says it — what he’s been thinking of himself for weeks, that the businessman on the train confirmed for him today. “BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING CRIPPLE! I’M LAME. USELESS. A GIMP!” 

Phil stares at him, stunned into silence. 

“You deserve a whole person, and I can’t be that anymore. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.” Unable to roll over, he stares down at his useless legs, no longer bothering to try and stop his tears either. 

Phil scoots closer, placing his hands on both of Dan’s cheeks, wiping at the quickly falling tears with his thumbs. “You’re not useless. You’re not any of those things, so don’t you ever say that, okay? You’re perfect. You’re the most whole and complete person I’ve ever met, and I swear to you that I will never leave no matter how hard things get, because I love you, and that comes first. You are my priority and always will be, and all I want is for you to let me in to that stubborn head of yours, and to accept care and love, and to believe that I will want you in every way, no matter what.”

“How can you still want me like that when my body is so broken?” His voice is barely a whisper but Phil still hears and it makes his heart hurt. 

“Because its all of you that I’m attracted to, but mostly your personality and your kindness and the way you make me feel. Plus, you’ve still got the same body, Dan. The muscle is just distributed a bit differently now and you’re not as mobile. You’re still just as gorgeous as the first time I saw you on a crappy webcam. You could gain a million pounds and grow elephant ears and I’d still think you’re perfect.”

That gets a chuckle out of him, and he shyly looks into Phil’s eyes again, seeing truth there. 

“Can I kiss you, please?” the older of the two asks.

Phil waits for a nod of consent before leaning down and attaching his lips to Dan’s. Its sweet and slow and passionate and exactly what they had both been needing all day, and with Phil’s hands still cupping his face Dan lets his fingers thread into the other’s hair, and wrap around his back.  
Its a couple of minutes before Phil pulls away and Dan nearly whimpers at the loss, but Phil sits him up with strong arms.

“Raise your arms, love.”

Dan does as he’s told, letting Phil pull his hoodie and t-shirt over his head, vaguely wondering if Phil wants to continue what they started and worrying slightly about how that could work now. Phil however, simply tells him to lay back down so he can get his jeans off and they can go to sleep. Once Dan’s left in just his boxers, Phil yanks the duvet out from under his body to cover him as well, and then slides close to the younger boy and pulling him into his arms, ready for sleep, mumbling a quiet “love you,” into his neck.


	11. March 8, 2015 - part 1

March 8, 2105

“So, Phil, what are we calling this little video?” Dan looks into the camera, fixing his now really long fringe, and back to Phil who is standing near the hob collecting ingredients for a stir-fry.

“Uhm, how about Q+A with Phan?”

Dan scrunches his nose in distaste. “Really, Phil? Q+A with Phan? Ugh. Too basic.”

“Okay, fine.” Phil relents with a dramatic sigh. “Cooking and Questions with Dan and Phil. First question: go!” He turns around, unceremoniously dumping a packet of frozen veggies into the wok, and letting out a high pitched squeak as some broccoli bounces back out.

“Alright,” Dan laughs. “First question… what are we having for dinner?” Dan tilts his head and steers his chair closer to the counter so he can go through the ingredients his fiancé has laid out. 

“We are having,” Phil picks up ingredients one at a time to show the camera, “a Japanese teriyaki steak stir fry with rice and veggies and mushrooms, because that’s what we had ingredients for in the fridge today.”

Dan grins. “Sounds good to me! Okay, Phil, we have a list of questions here from our viewers and also from some of our friends. Would you like me to start and we can just talk through them while you cook? Are you up to the perils of multi-tasking?”

“Bring it on!”

“Okay, first question jumping right in from Maddie in Norwich,’ how long have you guys been dating? You said in your house tour/coming out video that you hadn’t always been together. Would you mind sharing a little bit of a timeline?’”

Phil looks to Dan before answering, and receives a shrug, which he takes as permission. He doesn’t want to go overboard with any of the answers and say anything private, but he’d like to be truthful with everybody which is something they had both agreed on while talking it over throughout the week. 

“Officially, for just under three years I think?” He looks at Dan for confirmation. “Before that we were on and off and never really operated under a label. For a while our relationship was pretty open, and it cycled from being platonic to more than that depending on if we had anyone else in the picture, but we’ve always been close and cared about each other a lot and cuddled and stuff.”

“Right,” Dan adds. “Obviously, as a lot of people who were around when we first met may guess, there were some mutual feelings and some pretty rash actions on both parts, but yeah, we didn’t get super serious and monogamous until the tail end of 2012, which I think is a good thing, probably. We both still had some growing up and whatever to do first.”

Phil nods, and stirs the meat which is now sizzling away in the pan in a mix of olive oil and sauce. “Next?”

“Alright, this one is from Sarah M., and is in two parts. It says ‘Dan, what is the hardest part for you about your recent injury, and how do you cope and stay positive? And Phil, what is the hardest thing for you as well?’ umm… well, Sarah, I guess the hardest part for me is not being able to do basic things like use the toilet by myself? No, umm… speaking honestly, here, it is quite hard not to have all of the freedoms that I’m used to, and I’ve been coping by reminding myself that I’m still able to do a lot, and that it could be so much worse than it is. I’m in physical therapy at the moment, and its a lot of work, and while there isn’t much change or progress yet, there’s still hope for recovery, and that also keeps me going. Not gonna lie to you all here, I have been pretty miserable at times, and have also been a complete grumpy git, but it also really helps that I’ve got Phil. He keeps me sane.”

Dan is staring at Phil then, with a loving expression, and the elder finds it hard to look away and concentrate on the food before answering as well. “Yeah, I think that bathroom bit is the worst really.”

“Phil!” Dan gives him an affronted look which makes him chuckle.

“Alright fine, real answer. The whole thing has been difficult. Its such a change from the life we had been used to. Everything we do now takes a lot of pre-planning, which is tough because we’re generally lazy people. I guess I stay positive though by just knowing that it could have been worse. He could be gone, and he’s not, and I’m just thankful.”

“Deep,” Dan remarks.

“It was a deep question!” Phil’s voice rises two octaves before he realizes that Dan is just egging him on and swats at his arm with the spatula. 

“Alright, Phil, this one’s from me. Are you keeping the facial hair? Because I can’t remember the last time you fully shaved.”

“Are you telling me to shave, Daniel?”

“No! I’m just asking. I quite like the facial hair. I think it makes you look all—“  
Phil shoves his hand over Dan’s mouth, shutting him up. When he pulls it away, Dan is still talking— “plus the stubble feels—“ Phil has to cover his mouth again with a roll of his eyes.

“Alright, Dan. That’s enough. Yeah, I’m keeping it for now. I kind of like it too. Plus shaving is a lot of work so I’ve just been trimming it. I really need to get a hair cut and a dye job soon though.” He rakes a hand through his hair pushing his fringe back to show off his brownish-red roots. “Seriously, this is awful. You could do with a trim too.”

“Aww, really? Personally I thought the greasy hobo look was working for me. Maybe you’re right though. We’ll do that this week. Next question, ‘will your gaming channel come back?”

“Yes!” they both answer at once, before Dan takes over. “It will be back soon! Aside from things like DDR or whatever, I am still fully capable of playing video games, so I don’t see any reason for that channel to end! Dil Howlter will survive!”

By now the rice is boiling and the meat and veggies are all mixed and sitting on a low simmer, so Phil turns around and leans casually against the counter reading the list over Dan’s shoulder.

“This one’s from Tyler Oakley who wants to know if we’ll still be at Vidcon this year and wants to know if he can visit next time he’s in London. Honestly, we’re not sure yet. That’s still a full five months away, so we don’t want to commit or decline just yet, but we will keep you all posted. We’re going to look into how it may work to go, but bear in mind that for safety and logistical reasons there may or may not be a meet and greet or anything like that. We will keep you all updated on twitter though! And yes, Tyler! Come see us!”

Phil reads out another. “Ooh. This one’s for Dan from Sean B. ‘Can we see the ring? and did you get one for Phil as well?”

Dan smiles brightly. “Yeah, of course!” He holds up his left hand and lets Phil zoom and focus the camera on it, the kitchen lights bouncing off of the silver sheen of the white gold band and reflecting in the inlaid black diamond. “I’m gonna totally brag here when I say that Phil picked the ultimate engagement ring. I mean, seriously, its me as a piece of metal.” The camera zooms back out and Phil stands in shot, holding his hand up to his chin and looking at the ceiling, showing off his new simple ring as well. 

“And Dan got me this this week as a complete surprise! I love it. Its simple and white gold and not too fancy which is perfect for me, and its even got an inscription inside which will just have to stay a secret! I love it though. I love him.”

Dan beams up at Phil then, letting him bend down and steal a kiss, because why not? They can do that now.

“And last question for now, “Have you set a date yet, and can I call dibs on being bridesmaid?” which comes from Louise/Sprinkleofglitter.”

Dan laughs out loud and looks into the camera. “No Louise, we haven’t set a date, but we’re thinking next Autumn or Winter, and seeing as we’re both men I’m not sure there will be such thing as a bridesmaid since there is no bride, but rest assured that you’re already part of the wedding party somehow!”

“Dan! Don’t lie to them! We all know you’re my bride!” Phil chuckles at the look he gets and dodges the brunette’s playful punch to his arm. 

“Anyway guys, food’s ready, so that’s it for now. We’ll upload again soon and hopefully get our channels back to some kind of normalcy, and if not you’ll be hearing from us somehow! Have a good rest of your Sunday and a good week ahead!”


	12. March 8, 2015 - part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning; This chapter contains smut that is not central to the plot. Any important details will be restated in the next chapter, so if you don't like adult content, feel free to skip ahead or read above and below the dotted lines.

The camera is turned off and they have their dinner at the table in the living room while watching Broadchurch. Its a cozy night, and almost feels like normal. The flat is still not fully unpacked or set up but its getting there. More of their things emerge from boxes every day and it feels much more like home. Phil has even started letting Dan do a lot of the unpacking and organizing himself after realizing since their blow-up last weekend that he really had been coddling him too much, and its something that the younger really appreciates. Before he had felt like he didn’t really have much of a hand in decorating and organizing so he felt like a guest in his own home.

After they eat, Phil does the washing up and leaves to have a shower while Dan edits and posts the video onto Phil’s channel from their spacious new office. He’s just starting to read through comments when Phil wanders in in his pajamas, leaning over Dan and wrapping his arms around his chest, wishing there wasn’t a bulky metal contraption between him and Dan’s back. Dan breathes in the scent of Phil’s shower gel and aftershave and hums at the feeling of his fuzzy cheek pressed against his jaw.

“How’s it doing?” Phil asks, reading some feedback too.

“Good. A lot of views already. People are glad we aren’t dead.”

“Mmm. Me too. Turn this off and come to bed though, hon? Its almost 1am.”

Dan is about to protest and click to twitter when he feel’s Phil’s hand on the mouse over is own, stopping him. 

“Come on, Dan. I want to make sure you actually get under the covers unlike last night.” Dan had come to bed around three am, and instead of waking Phil up, who is an incredibly deep sleeper, he had slept in his jeans with a blanket from the living room covering him, and the older boy hadn’t been happy about it that morning.

“Yeah, alright.” Dan clicks out of the browser and wheels his chair out of the room behind Phil, admiring his butt in the thin patterned pants, and tells him so.

“I miss seeing your butt hanging out of your jeans,” Phil pouts.

“Its still there!”

“I know. Its just that now you have less of a belt problem.”

“Yeah, and more of a walking problem,” Dan mumbles as he yanks his jumper off and lifts himself off of the seat with his elbows, letting Phil undo his zip and slide his jeans down his legs. Unfortunately his thigh and calf muscles have atrophied a bit so his once skin tight jeans are now pretty loose, and Dan thinks it makes his slight stomach pudge look even worse overtop of such stick thin legs. He doesn’t dare voice that opinion out loud though because he knows he’ll just get a reprimanding lecture about how he’s perfect the way he is. Phil seems to catch his self-critical mood and says nothing.

Phil had always kissed him and told him he’s perfect and traced his jaw or collarbone or hip bone with thin fingers while he spoke, and Dan had always had trouble believing it, but it was now second nature to the older one, always determined to change Dan’s mind about his body.   
Phil was perfect, with his eyes you could swim in and his broad shoulders and muscled arms and sprinkling of chest hair and shapely legs, and in comparison Dan had always felt lame and girlish, especially since he naturally grew very little body hair and was always insecure about his bit of belly fat and lack of muscle, not that he’d been motivated enough to run and exercise while he still could. 

Phil seems to take up a different tactic tonight though, and Dan is surprised and confused, as the other hasn’t been this full on since before the accident, even after their talk the week before. They had gone back to nightly cuddling, and a semi-spooning position that was comfortable for the both of them, but neither of them had brought up sex at all.

Now though, Phil is raking his fingers through Dan’s hair, and kissing tenderly from his lips to his neck, letting off soft contented noises.

Dan closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling of Phil’s lips on his skin until he feels a gentle brush of teeth and opens his eyes again, grabbing for the other’s hand.

“Phil, what are you doing?” Its a whisper. He doesn’t trust his voice right now because he’s floating somewhere between turned on and terrified. 

The elder pulls back, looking worried, and keeps his grip on Dan’s hand. “I thought… I thought maybe we could try?” he says, suddenly worried that he’s being too presumptuous. “I-if you don’t want to I completely understand. I just… I miss you. I miss touching you and loving you.” He kisses Dan lightly on the mouth then. “And kissing you. And seeing your face when you fall apart below me.”

Dan has to fight a groan as Phil’s words go straight to the region between his useless legs. This is the first time he’s been turned on in two months, aside from the occasional semi in the morning which would go away quickly by itself. 

“If you want me to stop, I will, no questions asked, alright? But please, will you let me get you off?”

Dan’s eyes snap to Phil’s. He’s usually never that blunt, and he finds it a complete turn on. “What about you?”

“Don’t mind me. This is about you. You don’t even have to move,” the older states, releasing his hand from Dan’s and swiping his fringe out of his face, watching Dan’s expression as he waits for an answer. With a nod and an ‘okay,’ Phil is kissing him again, hand trailing to his chest as Dans hands tangle in his hair. He has to admit to himself that it does feel good to have Phil this close again. Its almost like normal.

\--------

Phil is kissing down Dan’s neck again, sucking gently at his pulse point as the younger’s heart rate goes up. After a few minutes he’s back on his lips, seeking entrance with his tongue as his hand gravitates down, brushing over the muscles of the twenty-three year old’s stomach and making it flip over before reaching down further to palm at him through his boxer briefs, finding that he’s glad that Dan is already mostly hard. He had been worried that maybe that couldn’t happen anymore, not that he’d admit that to Dan because in the grand scheme of things sex didn’t matter all that much to Phil. It was kind of just a bonus to their relationship that they both enjoyed it so much. 

“Mmh, Phil…” Dan moans, getting his attention. The younger boy looks concentrated and adorable with his eyes closed and forehead scrunched up. Phil places a kiss on it and then on his nose and lips again before continuing down, making Dan open his eyes to look down at him. Phil kisses down his chest, hovering briefly over each nipple before nibbling down the patch of hair trailing from his navel into his waist band as he hooks two thumbs into the garment and drags it down, letting Dan’s erection swing upward onto his stomach.

Phil places open-mouth kisses from the base to the tip before taking Dan into his mouth, causing the boy to let out another moan and a shudder of pleasure. After bobbing his head a couple of times Phil can taste the other’s pre-cum in the back of his mouth, and picks up his pace, allowing Dan to grasp at his hair. The younger isn’t able to buck his hips and fuck up into Phil’s mouth like he used to do, and that must be frustrating, so Phil takes care to push himself down further than he would normally go, sucking deep and running his tongue along the vein underneath as he comes back up to pay attention to his slit before picking up speed again. 

Dan is whimpering loudly now, a mix of Phil’s name and unintelligible profanities, and the elder can’t help but reach down and stroke himself through his pajama pants, needing friction as well. Half a minute later, and Dan is coming hard into Phil’s mouth, his eyes squeezed shut, mouth wide open, and finger nails scratching deeply at the other’s back as Phil works him through it, swallowing quickly before coming himself due to Dan’s noises. He scoots back up the bed and kisses Dan deeply, before pulling back to look at him. 

In all of the years they’ve been together, and all of the hundreds of times they’ve done this he doesn’t think he’s seen Dan look nearly as blissed out as he looks right now. He’s got an almost shocked expression on his face as his chest heaves allowing his breath to catch up to him, and it makes Phil feel a little smug, knowing that despite everything he can still please Dan.   
\---------

“Oh my god, Phil.” Dan kisses him again. “That was… I don’t even know.” His breathing is evening out, and Phil reaches to their side table and grabs a tissue to clean himself off before shucking his pj pants and throwing them onto the floor across the room, yanking his t-shirt over his head too. He kisses his lover’s forehead, entertaining their hands before laying onto his shoulder and looking at their two rings pressed together. “Love you.”

Dan is quiet for a minute, seemingly still processing what just happened before he suddenly turns his head to Phil.

“Phil, pull the blankets down, please!”

“What?” He looks at Dan like he’s gone mad.

“Phil, seriously, just do it.” 

As the older one complies, Dan props himself up on his elbows, too tired to sit all the way up right now, and stares down at his legs which Phil has just uncovered, a look of concentration on his face. 

“Dan, what are you—“

He’s shushed, and Dan keeps looking down, seemingly determined, before suddenly yelling.

“PHIL!”

“What?” Phil’s concerned now. “What’s wrong, Dan? Did I hurt you? I’m so sorry, I—“

Dan shushes him, pointing, and at first Phil’s not sure what he’s pointing at and then he sees it. A very slight twitch in Dan’s left big toe. He sucks in a breath.

“Is that… are you…”

Dan nods, tears coming to his eyes. “That’s me, Phil! I’m doing that! I’m making it move!”

“What… but… how?” Phil sits up fully, looking back and forth from Dan’s face to the toe he’s trying to wiggle.

“My foot has been tingling off and on for days but I didn’t want to say anything. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But then.. just now, when I.. you know. my whole body felt like that for a minute, and the feeling in my foot didn’t go away after I calmed down. I can wiggle my toe, Phil!”

Phil can’t help it. He’s too happy. He crashes his face back to Dan’s, pushing him back down onto the mattress.

“Oh god, that’s so good, Dan! We’re going to the doctor’s tomorrow, okay, to see if there’s any changes or if this means something.” He kisses him again. “I love you so much.”

When they both finally get to sleep that night its happily. They’ve crossed another bridge for the first time post-accident, and now there’s this new development to focus on— this new hope.”


	13. April 10, 2015

April 10th, 2015

It’s April, and Phil is stressed. Its raining off and on, and its getting late in the afternoon and there’s still so much to catch up on and figure out: bills, and schedules and videos… He has to get back to the BBC soon on whether they want to stick with the show if they don’t want to be let go indefinitely. The company has been understanding, but its getting to a point where they really need a reliable spot filler for the Monday slot and all of the PR stuff that goes along with the job, as getting other vloggers to host each week won’t work forever. Its still hard enough to get Dan to go and see friends let alone BBC officials and people on red carpets. Dan had told him he wasn’t ready, but suggested that Phil still do the radio. Phil didn’t feel comfortable doing that right now though. Not yet. Not for a long time, maybe. He and Dan had a certain radio dynamic and that was why people watched and listened. It wouldn’t work if it was just him.

On top of that, insurance had been questioning a lot of Dan’s recent medical bills, and since Phil generally dealt with household paperwork, he had been wading through all of that. He knew that he could just go to Dan’s parents for help, as Dan was technically still insured under them and not through work since what they do is mostly freelance. He should go to Dan’s parents. He really should, but he’s stubborn and prideful and wants to be able to take care of things for his future husband. 

And that was another thing: they had a wedding to plan and they hadn’t even sat down to talk about that. There were absolutely no finalized details— no date, no venue, no guest list or color scheme. Phil wanted to get married as soon as possible, but Dan shied away from the topic whenever the elder would try and bring it up and Phil wasn’t going to pretend anymore that that didn’t hurt. He knew that Dan was happy with him, and that he really did want to get married, but the fact that he kept pushing it off was confusing. 

He looks at the clock. 16:35. Dan would be back from Physical Therapy soon. His Mum had been driving him every other day to give Phil a break and some time to focus on work, and while Phil wanted to be there for every single appointment he knew that reasonably, he needed to get things done and give Dan’s family a hand in his recovery process as well.

Fifteen minutes later when he hears Dan come rolling through the front door, he sighs and pushes his own rolling chair back from the desk in their office/game room, and rubs a hand tiredly through his hair, pushing it back. 

“Y’know, if you’re gonna keep pushing your hair back like that all the time, you may as well just give in and let the quiff happen.” Dan has a sly smile on his face that makes Phil grin in spite of himself before standing to go and give the other a hug. 

“How did PT go?” he wraps his arms around Dan from above and kisses the crown of his head. “You smell, by the way, and you’re damp.”

Dan gives him a sarcastic glare, but returns his hug. “It was good. I feel stronger, I think. They had me strapped into this thing that props me up in a standing position to work the muscles in my hips, which was weird and exhausting, but it felt good to be tall again for a few minutes. I guess I’m gonna go have a bath since my stench offends you so much.”

Phil nods, wishing again that he had been there. “Okay. Need any help?”

“Nah. I can manage a bath, I think.”

“Alright. Do you want to go out for dinner or eat in?”

“I dunno. What do you prefer?”

“Either. That’s why I’m asking, silly.”

“Ugh. Okay. Let’s go out. I wanna take you on a date— you deserve it, Phil. Plus we can do that now that we’re out— I still have to remind myself of that.”

Phil could detect the finality in Dan’s voice, so he didn’t argue, and instead nodded and told Dan to go have his bath, following him into their bedroom so he could change out of the dirty Pokemon shirt he was wearing with his jeans, and into a blue plaid button-up, spraying on some after-shave before going to sit in the lounge. Dan was in a good mood today, and he wasn’t going to spoil it by being moody and stressed out. 

An hour later and they were making their way down the sidewalk after the trek out of the tube in covent garden, which it turns out is a whole lot more pleasant when they use it as a pair than when Dan is by himself, and the sky has cleared considerably making the walk to Zizzi’s on Bow St. was quite nice. It was still pretty early so they could eat, and then go through some shops if they wanted. They could have gone to the one closer to home, but Dan had said he was feeling adventurous, so Phil was indulging him. 

Food was great— they shared a pizza and each got chicken caesar salads as well, and split a bottle of wine, and it had been a while since Dan had been this chipper so Phil’s mood was improving as well. Testing the waters, Phil decided to ask some of the questions he had been hanging on to for a month.

“Dan… just out of curiosity, have you thought about wedding dates at all? I know you said autumn or winter, but, well, how would you feel about it being sooner?”

Deer in the headlights is not a look that suits Dan well, but he seems to recover quickly. “H-how soon were you thinking?”

Phil takes a bite of the leftover pizza crust, buying time to gauge this reaction before pressing on. “I’m not sure. Maybe the summer? June or July? Honestly, Dan, I just want to be able to call you my husband as soon as possible.”

Dan props his elbows up on the arms of his chair and puts his hands together, playing with his fingers. “Phil…” he takes a breath, and Phil braces himself for Dan to decline.

“Phil, I haven’t been honest with you…”

“Wait, what?: Phil sputters. “Do— do you not want to get married?”

“No! no. Its not that… I just… there’s a reason I’ve been putting off talking about planning everything. At first it was nothing— just a silly wish that I was prepared to ignore, and then when I started getting feeling back in my foot… Phil, I want to be able to walk down the aisle before we get married. That’s why I’ve been putting it off. I don’t want to get married in this stupid chair. I want to be on your level when we say our vows, alright?”

“Dan…”

“Look, Phil, I know what you’re gonna say. ‘Don’t get your hopes up. That may take a long long time.’ I know you don’t care if I’m standing or sitting, or walking or not, Phil, but I do. I want to marry you properly. When I’m in this stupid chair I only feel like half of myself, and I want to marry you as a whole person. I haven’t been truthful with you, Phil. After the toe thing… I told you nothing had changed, but I’ve made progress. I can move my feet now, and I’m almost at the point where I can bend my knee, but I told the trainers and doctors that I wanted to keep it private for now, alright?”

Phil is seeing red, now. Seething, but trying not to show that to Dan. 

“Why?” When the word comes out, his voice is low, and very northern sounding.

“Because I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to get better on my own, and have you come home one day to me standing by the door or something, because I’m a sentimental idiot, okay?”

All Phil can do is shake his head. He feels betrayed, and no longer wants to be out here in the middle of the city. Opening his wallet he throws enough money down to cover their meal and then some, and stands, walking slow enough to let Dan follow him out at a motorized pace. If Dan had still been able to walk Phil wouldn’t have spared a moment but to storm out on him with a dramatic angry exit, but that’s beyond them now, so he opts to stay in silence on the train journey home, silence on the walk to the flat, and silence as he opens the door and lets Dan in first before locking it. 

When Dan tries to get him to talk, he continues to stay silent, instead slinking off to the guest room with a book and closing the door, and he knows he’s probably being an unreasonable arse, but he’s hurt. Dan really was recovering, and hadn’t even bothered to let Phil know, after everything they had both been through?


	14. April 10, 2015 part 2

Later, Phil finally wanders back out of the guest room, and Dan is in the lounge with his chair pushed up to he balcony door looking out over the view to where Wembley stadium is lit up for a game or concert or something in the distance. He can hear Phil wandering around behind him, opening and closing cupboard doors and running water in the kitchen but he’s afraid to look at him. He knows that he’s really mucked it up this time, and that he won’t be able to sweet talk Phil around this. Not for the first time recently, Dan is feeling completely useless, and it has absolutely nothing to do with paralysis.

He’s startled from his thoughts when a hand appears in front of him, wielding a hello kitty shaped mug. 

“Decaf.”

He can tell from the shortness and tone of Phil’s voice that the elder is still mad, but he must have calmed down considerably if he was willing to make Dan a coffee. Plus, hello kitty was always a good sign. If Phil was still fuming he wouldn’t have made Dan a hot drink and if he had he definitely would have used a mug Dan disliked. But he used hello kitty, and it was Dan’s favorite, ironically, because honestly its a rather stupidly shaped drinking receptacle but its the ridiculousness of drinking from an anime cat’s brain that more often than not causes unnecessary spills, which he likes, and Phil understands that. He understands a lot of things about Dan that are hard for others to grasp, and usually it is without Dan even having to explain at all; that’s one of the many, many reasons why he loves Phil. He sees Dan, and he understands Dan, and he doesn’t have to question the whys and hows of it.

“Thanks.” His own voice cracks a bit as he takes the mug, his fingers momentarily intertwining with Phil’s. Its quiet again, and Phil walks across the room to sit on the sofa where Dan joins him a minute later, setting his coffee on the table and using both arms to lift himself out of the wheelchair and onto the cushion farthest from his fiancé. 

He doesn’t say he’s sorry. He knows that thats not what Phil wants to hear. The problem here is that while Phil understands most things about Dan without having to try, there are some things that he has a horrible time wrapping his head around until its explained to him in Danisms that he does get. 

Phil hadn’t understood Dan just not going to his re-sit, because things like that— classes, and exams— Phil always went to, and Phil was always punctual, and Phil had never skipped or blown practical things off, no matter how up in the clouds he sometimes seemed. He had however understood the tears and the questioning of what exactly was the point of it all if he was miserable studying, to be miserable as a lawyer with a mundane run of he mill life with 2.5 kids, a wife, and a picket fence just to fit in to what society mandated as the norm, when they were all going to die anyway after a meaningless existence, so hey, may as well make it fun, right?

Phil got that bit after it was explained. He understood better then. Dan saw the big future-picture looming on the horizon, while Phil often just saw the now, and wasn’t generally too concerned with the rest of it as long as he was content. Phil had also had the blind and reckless optimism and foresight that Dan lacked, which allowed him to choose media rather than a major that would, yes, ultimately lead to a lucrative job, but would also leave him sucked dry.

 

This was the same kind of deal. Dan wants to marry Phil more than ever, but when it happens he wants to feel like himself and not like he’s doing something out of necessity to meet everyones expectations, and since the accident he has neither felt like himself, not been treated like himself. And while he understands logically, that marrying sooner would be better for them— Phil would be able to go to all appointments without needing consent from Dan’s parents all the time, and if anything else happened to either of them, the other would be allowed access to all information. They would be able to insure things in both of their names, and even take out a loan and get their own car— something they had been talking about doing recently. Dan understands. He gets it, and he gets that Phil worries about him constantly and that being married would ease Phil’s mind if only slightly, but Dan doesn’t want to get married for the sake of all these purposes. He wants to get married because he loves Phil; is in love with him, and when it happens he wants to walk to Phil on his own two feet to symbolize his choice and free will, and stand when he kisses him, and he wants to have a first dance that isn’t an awkward upper body shake in a chair, but an awkward embrace with Phil in his arms.

“You should have told me,” Phil says after a bit. 

“Yeah. I should have done.”

“Does this change anything? Is there like, a timeframe for recovery now?”

Dan shakes his head, looking down at his awkwardly placed lower limbs. “No. Its really not even that much progress.”

Phil shakes his head, and lets out an exasperated noise from the back of his throat. “Don’t try and downplay this to spare my feelings, Daniel. Look, I’m happy that you’ve made progress, okay? I want more than anything for you to recover, if only so I can see you back to yourself again, but this is probably the worst thing you’ve ever done to me, Dan. Why did you have to hide this from me, after everything? You know that every little change means as much to me as it does to you. ”

“Is this really the worst thing? Worse than 2012?” It slips out of Dan’s mouth before he’s able to can the sarcasm and take it back; the one thing he knows not to mention: the year from hell, when Dan had stopped showing affection for Phil for appearance sake, even though they weren’t even officially together— it had severely thrown Phil’s trust in him for a long time, and they had nearly not recovered from it, and it was a period in their history that Phil liked to avoid mentioning at all costs because it still hit a sore spot, and now Dan had really done it. 

“You know what, Dan?” Phil says, setting his now empty mug down on the table and standing up. “Fuck it. The wedding is off until you pull your head out of your ass. I didn’t sit by your side in a hospital without sleep for a week straight and rearrange my entire life around making us work in order to be treated like an afterthought. For the record, the wedding can wait as long as you want. That’s not what I’m upset about, and I understand that you want to get back to feeling like yourself before it happens because I do know you better than you give me credit for; not that I don’t feel like that life commitment between us happened a long time ago anyway and a wedding only makes it official. I’m upset because I’ve been doing everything humanly possible to help you, and exhausting myself in the mean time, and you couldn’t even be arsed to say ‘guess what? I got my foot to listen to my brain in therapy today, How’s the video coming along?’ because you wanted to pull off some movie stunt and act like you’ve had a miracle cure. This isn’t a movie, Dan. This is real life, and I’m your real life fiancé who loves you and expects to be notified when big things happen.”

Dan flinches when Phil curses, and almost immediately loses his fight to keep from crying. He’s never seen Phil this angry before. He swallows hard at the lump forming in his throat, willing his anxiety to stay at bay for right now. He doesn’t want to have an attack— not while Phil’s angry and he’ll only be walked through it and given medicine because Phil will feel obligated to take care of him, but fuck, it hurt to hear everything Phil had to say, and hurt even worse to know that it was true. Dan was being selfish in this situation. He had wanted that fairy tale ending to this nightmare when he should have been thinking realistically, and ultimately, paying more attention to everything Phil had been doing for him and have the courtesy to give back as well.

When Phil leaves the room again in silence, heading this time for their shared bedroom, Dan again doesn’t follow. He gives the older man his space, and thinks about his reprimand and how he could possibly fix this this time. It’s the second fight he’s caused in the past month and those numbers were against him. He needs to show Phil that he’s sorry, and that he understands, and appreciates him and loves him. He can’t just say it now, because he’s said it so many times and still gone behind his back. He’s back to square one; 2012 level trust, and that’s not a fun place to be.

He listens as water runs in their ensuite bathroom. Phil is washing his face, and then brushing his teeth. The water cuts off and Dan counts to ten, when he hears the flush he knew would be coming next, as he has Phil’s little routines so memorized after all this time. Another half a minute and the lights cut off right on cue, and he watches the door close to a foot-wide crack where he can see the silhouette of Phil retreating to bed, and he’s surprised that the door hasn’t been closed to him completely, but its just like Phil to continue to be considerate of Dan even when he doesn’t deserve it. 

Breathing deep, Dan hauls himself back into his wheelchair, rolling it manually so he doesn’t have to use the loud motor, and pauses outside the door, wiping the drying tears from his face with his t-shirt sleeve before pushing the door open, rolling in, and closing it fully. Phil is facing the opposite wall, and Dan rolls past the bed, grabbing his PJ pants from a laundry pile, and heads into the bathroom, getting ready for bed properly. He really wants to just collapse in bed right now and curl his upper body into Phil’s back and hopefully not be shrugged off, but he knows that the elder would be more annoyed by Dan not caring to take care of changing or washing up.

When those chores area done, he returns to the darkened room and struggles onto the bed. Phil, the literal angel, has flipped Dan’s side of the duvet back to make it easier while he’s been in the toilet, and Dan’s glad he’s not being fully ignored. That’s a small grace in this awful night. 

Scooting close to Phil, he presses his forehead against his shoulder blade, not daring much more contact right now, but he’s glad that Phil doesn’t pull away. It’s something. He’ll take it.


	15. April 11, 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for reading and sorry about the slow updates! Work has been really busy recently. I'm going to try and get at least one more chapter posted this week though! As usual, I really appreciate comments! <3

April 11, 2015

Dan wakes up around eleven to Phil still sound asleep, now facing him, with his fringe drooping into his face. He has to stop himself from reaching out to push it back, reminding himself that Phil is still angry with him. 

Carefully he hauls himself up into his chair, and makes his way to the kitchen in order to make some coffee and porridge, automatically brewing two cups. Phil would wander in anytime, and he does about five minutes later, looking worse for wear. 

“Phil, can we ta—“ Phil puts a hand up to stop him, before putting a finger to his lips in a sign for quiet before croaking out “migraine.”

Dan nods sympathetically before whispering “made you coffee. Caffeine should help.”

Phil nods and grabs the second mug from the counter, and pours in a tiny bit of milk before moving to sit at the table in the lounge. 

A minute later Dan has followed him with his own drink and breakfast, and a couple of ibuprofen, setting those down in front of Phil who is sitting with his elbows on the table, head in his hands rubbing at his temples. Phil looks up for a second when Dan sets them down, and the brunette begins to feel a bit awkward as he wheels his chair over to the other side of the table to eat. Normally he would sit on the end close to Phil, but he knows that right now he should keep his distance. 

“You should take those and go back to bed, Phil. You look exhausted.”

“Mmm.” Phil’s response is minimal and his voice is low and raspy as he shakes his head, shutting down the suggestion. 

“Go sleep, love. I can make you some food for when you get up,” he tries again, softly, sipping at his own coffee.

Phil’s eyes snap to his at the pet name, and Dan realizes too late that he probably shouldn’t have called him that right now, but its too late. Whatever, Dan thinks. Whether Phil’s mad at him or not, he’s still Dan’s love.

“I can’t Dan. Even if I wanted to. There’s way too much to get done, and lazing about like you isn’t going to help.” Phil’s response is gruff and stings a bit, and Dan tries not to let it get to him. Phil is just tired and isn’t feeling well and is still angry from last night, he thinks. He doesn’t actually mean to call him lazy. He can see the regret flash over Phil’s features as he says it, but rather than take it back he goes quiet again, so Dan presses on— he really just wants Phil to take a break and take care of himself for once.

“Alright, Phil. What have you got to get done today?”

“I’ve got that video from the weekend to edit and get posted—“

“Okay. I can finish the edit for you. What else?”

“Dan, you can’t do that! You have PT in an hour! I’m going to have to edit most of it in the waiting room.”

“Nope. Not going. What else?”

“Dan! You can’t just skip out on that!” The elder is raising his voice again, making Dan cringe a bit, but he reaches across the table and places his hand atop Phil’s.

“Phil, its fine. I’ll just call them and tell them that you’re not feeling well today so I’ll be staying home to get some work done. Its not even a lie. One day of missing it out of the five days a week I go isn’t going to make any difference. If you want I can do some exercises here. I’d much rather stay and do whatever you need doing so you can rest and get rid of this migraine.”

“It’s not that bad…”

“You’re flinching at the light from the window, Phil.”

“Okay, fine! god, I um… I have to finish the stack of bills and insurance crap in the office.”

“Done. What else?”

Phil looks away from Dan completely again, down at the wooden table. “I’ve got to call the BBC and tell them that we won’t be back. That… I won’t be back.”

Dan processes this, trying to mask his emotions. He really hadn’t wanted to leave the radio show. It was basically his pet project; the whole reason they had even moved to London. If anything he had wanted Phil to continue it. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Phil sounds sad now too rather than just irritated.

“I— uh, I’ll call them, too.” Dan says, resolutely. “I’ll talk to Aled and explain. Its my fault anyway.”

“You don’t’ have to, Dan. I know you’re afraid to talk to anyone from the studio.”

“No, its okay. I should. I guess I need to start taking responsibility for things. I’ll start with this.”

Phil looks skeptical, but nods. 

“Go sleep, Phil. Pull all the curtains, shut off the lights, and rest. I’ll take care of everything else.”

The elder nods, blearily, giving in to his obvious pain, before he stands and ambles his way back down the hall. On his way out of the room he pauses to place a quick kiss to the top of Dan’s head, and mumble a quick thanks, so maybe Dan isn’t completely in the dog house. 

The editing is easy. Dan has always enjoyed working on Phil’s videos. It always felt like a privilege. This one is just a classic vloggy-phil update, and he makes quick work of it, and adds in some sneaky comic sans, before uploading, and then tweeting about it from Phil’s account and then re-tweeting it on his own. That was something they did pretty regularly when the other was busy. 

Next he deals with the bills, most of which are online, and then turns to the stack of insurance papers where he becomes completely confused. He realizes after some reading that they aren’t something that he or Phil should be dealing with right now; he’s in his parents name after all, and so he calls his Mum and she promises to handle it. When she said she knew nothing about the company’s inquiries, he realized that Phil must have been trying to take care of it himself to give Dan’s family a break, and once again he’s amazed at his fiancé’s stupid selflessness.

After all of this Dan makes a quick lunch, and goes to check on Phil, whom he finds wrapped up in his yellow adventure time hoodie and muppets PJ pants, snoring soundly on top of the bed half wrapped in a blanket. Dan wheels over and sets the plate with a sandwich and crisps on Phil’s bedside table, before wheeling back out, trying not to wake him. He knows from experience that the only real aids for Phil’s headaches are pain killers, darkness, quiet, sleep, and sometimes a massage and warm bath, so that’s how Phil’s day is going to go. 

By the time Phil wakes up again its getting Dark, and all of the chores he had left Dan are done. When he wanders into the lounge he finds Dan sitting in his chair pulled up next to the sofa with a container of wok noodles in his hand, and another sitting on the table, and the TV on to the Great British Bakeoff- its obviously their takeout dinner, because after actually doing things today for the first time in a while, Dan is pretty tired, not that he’ll let it show.

“How you feeling?” He asks Phil at a whisper, in case his head still hurts.

Phil sits down on the sofa, and picks up his food and chopsticks, glad that Dan knows all of his favourites. “Better than before. Head’s still kinda foggy, but its not pounding.”

Dan nods. “Posted your video, and tweeted it. The fans seem to like it a lot. I did, too.” He adds the last part with a bit of a blush, and is glad when Phil gives a small smile.  
“Good. I’m glad they like it. What about the other stuff?”

Dan chews on a bit of chicken and noodle before responding. “Bills are done. And I called my mum and had her speak with her insurance agent. You really didn’t need to be dealing with that, Phil.”

It’s Phil’s turn to blush now, and he does, a bit. “I know. I just— “

Dan interrupts him again. “I know. You just wanted to make things easier for everyone. I appreciate it, Phil, and so do my parents. Really. Mum was shocked and touched. You really shouldn’t keep doing that, though. You’re creating more stress for yourself. And don’t say you’re not stressed because I know you are, and its mostly my fault. That’s why you had this headache in the first place.”

“I just want everything to get easier,” Phil mumbles, picking at his food and looking forlorn.

Dan has to keep form reaching out and grabbing the other man’s hand. “I know. I know, and it will. Please don’t ignore your own needs though, Phil. I’m here for you as much as you have been for me.”

Phil nods again. “I’ll try. What about the BBC?”

Dan pauses, wondering if Phil will get mad at this as well. He had called their producers with every intention of speaking with Aled and informing him that they would not be returning. That’s not what happened as the call progressed though. 

Dan is silent for too long and Phil prompts him again. “Did you call, Dan?”

“Yeah, I called…”

“And? How mad are they?”

“Well, uhh, they’re definitely not mad.” Dan is chewing on his lip now instead of his food. “I kind of, umm, said we’d be back on the first of next month.”

Phil puts his food down, and sits up straighter. “Wait… we? As in…”

“Yeah. I want to start doing the show again. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first, I just, when I called and started talking to them, I realized how much I miss it and I just— maybe I’m ready now. I can’t keep putting everything off forever, and last night kind of made me realize that. Its time I get back to work. I’m still not up to having the fully crazy schedule we had before with all the awards shows and hosting, and being around people still really freaks me out, but I think I can handle once a month at the radio. At least, we can try it in May, and if its too hard in the chair, then we can forget it if you want… Are you mad?”

Phil’s frown turns slowly into a tired smile as Dan talks. “No, I’m not mad! In fact I’m kind of relieved. Honestly, Dan, I didn’t want to give up the radio shows.”

“I told you that you should do them by yourself, Phil.”

“I know. Its not something I wanted to do without you though. I’m so happy you decided to do it again!” He leans forward over the arm of the sofa to place a kiss on the brunette’s cheek.

“Thank you for doing all of this today, Dan.”

Dan shakes his head at Phil, incredulously. “Of course. I wasn’t about to let you work with how ill you were feeling. Besides, it was good to get things done. I’m absolutely shattered now, though, and my back really hurts from sitting up all day. Phil… are you still mad at me?”

Phil's expression is worried as Dan mentions his back. Dan usually napped in the afternoon to give his spine a break form the upright position, and he must not have today like he assumed he would at some point. “I don’t think I’m mad anymore, so much as hurt that you didn’t tell me right away. I guess I get where you were coming from as well. Its just that I’d like to know when you have developments like that no matter how small they are.”

“I know. I really am sorry. I guess I was just thinking of how happy you’d be if you had come home at some point and I was able to walk again. It was stupid. I promise, I’ll tell you everything from now on.”

Phil nods, and stands, closing up his food box and taking Dan’s as well and putting them in the refrigerator, before coming back and pushing Dan in his chair into their bedroom. As Phil stops wheeling Dan once they reach the room, he hands Dan his bottle of pain killers, a glass of water, and a biscuit from the packet that they keep with his pill bottles now, and heads into the open bathroom, Dan speaks up again, pushing himself forward after taking his medicine and watching Phil as he fills the tub and tosses in a purple bubble bar, assuming that if Phil pushed him in here that the bath is for the both of them, and he begins removing his t-shirt.

“I had a thought today when I was looking at the bills and insurance and stuff, and I know its not what you wanted, but It could be a good compromise for now until I recover a bit more and we can plan a nice ceremony with all of our friends and a proper honeymoon…”

“What’s that?”

“Would you want to get a civil partnership for now? I mean, we could just go downtown and apply whenever, and then you’d mostly have the same rights as if you were already my husband.”

When Phil turns to face him, he’s grinning that goofy tongue filled grin, and Dan is thankful that he’s said something right for possibly the first time in days. 

“That’s brilliant, Dan.”

“Great!” Dan cheers up. “We can go tomorrow if you want.”

Phil shakes his head, striding forward to help Dan out of his sweats and into the tub. “No, not tomorrow. I think we need to have a witness or something anyway, so let’s wait till Monday. Besides, I think we should have a lazy day tomorrow, just to spend together. Cuddles and long breakfasts and all of that.”

“Yeah?” Dan asks, as Phil slides into the tub on the side opposite of where Dan is sitting.

“Yeah. Being mad at you is exhausting. And it especially sucks when I get a headache like today and all I want to do is nap in your arms.”

“Well, then you should stop being mad,” Dan says as he pulls on Phil’s hand, making the older man float to settle in-between his unmoving legs, wrapping his arms around Phil’s middle before leaning back.

“I have. You know what’s the best to hear you say?”

“What?”

“That I’m going to be your husband.”


	16. May 6, 2015 part 1

May 6, 2015

 

Dan doesn’t know when it started. Maybe the feeling was always there, and he had just not realized or given into it. Maybe it really was new. Somehow he didn’t think so. Whenever it had started, at the moment it was all-consuming and nearly impossible to ignore— an all-consuming claustrophobia and restlessness that was making his chest tight and his eyes water and his hands shake, and he couldn’t sit here and ignore it, but its not like he could walk away.

The radio show had come and gone, and it had gone really well in his opinion. There hadn’t been any big slip-ups, and the only real awkwardness was when they had to adjust the cameras to get Dan in shot. He had tried to act natural and seem normal, and he felt like he had pulled it off pretty well, and Phil had thought the same, that is, until they got home and Dan logged onto Tumblr. All of the feedback on there was nice, but pretty much everyone had been careful about what they said. There were posts floating around imploring everyone to go easy on Dan, and to cut him slack, and that’s not what he wanted. He didn’t want people to walk on eggshells around him, but that is what was happening and he hates it. 

And then there was the nagging thought that if this was happening online, then who in his real life was willing to treat him as usual? Was anybody? No. Probably not. Phil tried, but he had gotten into a habit of taking charge when Dan doesn’t need him to. His parents attempted to act normal, but he saw their sad smiles and looks of pity when they thought he couldn’t see. His brother was acting different in that he was actually trying to build a relationship with Dan when he never would have before, and he hadn’t seen any of his other friends for more than a short time mostly because of the fear of being treated differently. It was all so frustrating, and he could do nothing about it. 

And now, Dan can’t escape these fears as he sits defeated in his chair staring up at the high pantry shelf where the flour for pancake mix is sitting. Its early; 9:30, and unable to sleep more because his back is aching too much and he didn’t want to take his pain medication, Dan has gotten up and made his way to the kitchen to make breakfast for him and Phil. Now though, that’s apparently not a chore he can do, as he can’t reach the ingredients. The cereal is where he can reach, as is his porridge, but they make pancakes so seldom that the stuff never got moved to a lower shelf. He stares at it, thinking, willing it to somehow move into his reach. He doesn’t want to give up, and going to wake Phil would defeat the purpose of making him breakfast and ruin the element of surprise, so looking around he finds a wooden spoon that will maybe knock the bag closer into reach. After about five more minutes of struggling he’s got the flour and sugar down onto the counter, and now has to get the canola oil.

Carefully, very carefully, he inches the bottle to the edge of the high shelf so is not to tip it, until last minute when his phone buzzes in his pocket, startling him, and making the bottle tip off of the shelf. He watches as it falls, almost in slow motion, until its shattering on the tile at his feet with a loud crash.

“Fuck!” He’s yelling before he can even think about the fact that Phil is still in bed. He can’t contain it anymore. He’s angry at everything: how high the shelf is, that the oil smashed, that his phone had to ring and startle him, that he was such an invalid now that he was unable to reach anything higher than his face, that this is even a problem at all— that the accident happened in the first place— why had it been raining? Why did their tube station have to close? Why couldn’t they have left on time for once? Maybe none of this would have happened to completely fuck up his life if they had just been on time. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing when he grabs the sugar he’s gotten down, throwing it against the cabinets opposite of him, causing another crash, and making the powdery substance explode everywhere, followed by the flour, and the eggs, and the spatula and spoon and fucking whisk and anything else within reach, and there are hot tears pouring down his face and he thinks that perhaps this is the most hysterical he has ever been, and he can’t focus on anything except how everything is different and he’s hyperventilating now, and he can’t do anything right, and no one treats him the same, and then there are hands on his wrists, stopping him from grabbing for the kettle or whatever else he can throw, and he’s fighting, thrashing around, until he hears his voice break though the haze of red anger, even and calm.

“Bear. Baby bear, calm down please. Breathe.”

His eyes snap to Phil’s blue ones level with his own as he kneels in front of Dan’s chair, likely getting egg on his cookie monster pants. Phil’s face slowly comes into focus as he’s coached through breathing more evenly, making his stream of tears stop and the panic attack to come to an end. He breathes with Phil.

In.

Everything is so weird now.

Out.

I feel so useless.

In. 

Shit. I woke Phil up.

Out.

Oh god the mess.

In.

I’m sorry.

Out. 

“I’m sorry, Phil! I’m so so sorry.”

Phil moves his hands form Dan’s wrists, to his hands, massaging the fingers out of the clenched fists his body has locked them in with his lack of oxygen. He shakes his head.

“It doesn’t matter, Dan. All that matters is that you’re okay. I can clean up the mess.”

“You shouldn’t have to though! That’s the point!” He’s yelling again, and promptly being shushed, as Phil brushes the hair from his face.

“Baby, its okay. The mess really doesn’t matter, alright? Now do you want to tell me what caused all this?”

“I wanted to make you breakfast, and I couldn’t reach the flour.”

“Alright. So that’s what why there’s flour. Fine. But usually you put the ingredients in a bowl instead of mixing it on the kitchen floor. Come on, bear. What happened?”

“I— I got mad. I couldn’t help it. One minute I was fine, and then I started thinking and I just got angrier and angrier and then I snapped. I didn’t even know what I was doing, really. I panicked and felt like I had no control and I just started throwing things.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“Have you been on Tumblr since Monday?”

“What? Since he radio show? Yeah. People loved it.”

“I know. They loved it too much. Did you not see all the shit on there about how people should go easy on me because it was my first time back?”

“Yeah. They’re just trying to be nice and helpful though…”

“I know. Just… I don’t need to be babied like that, Phil. It drives me crazy. I just want people to treat me the same as always, and nobody is. I can’t take it anymore. Even you do it!”

“Dan…”

“You do, Phil. I don’t think you know that you do, but you have been. And my parents, and everyone else. Thats why I haven’t invited our friends over. And when I couldn’t reach the ingredients it made me realize again how useless I am, and I couldn’t help it anymore. I exploded. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m sorry.”

“Dan, its okay. You need to tell me when I’m doing too much, babe. I’ll back off. Everything you just described makes complete sense, so you’re not crazy. You just had a panic attack. You have to talk to me though, Dan. When you’re feeling like this. I know you don’t want help with everything in life, but Id rather you talk out your emotions than bottle them up and explode like this.” He gestures to the kitchen and Dan looks around, and suddenly feels like laughing. The place looks like a visual representation of his mind today; mess everywhere and only Phil can clean it up.

“Tell you what, Let’s go get changed, and we’ll go out. We can get breakfast from the Costa across the street, and go eat in the park. The trees are blooming and its sunny for once. We both need to get out of this house.”

“Alright,” Dan agrees. “Can we bring a blanket so I don’t have to stay in this stupid chair?”

“Yeah, why not?”

Before following Phil back down the hall to change into normal clothes, Dan’s phone buzzes again, and he pulls it out to see what had distracted him earlier. 

Its an e-mail from Phil’s brother.

to: danisnotonfire  
from: mookentooken586@gmail.com  
Subject: from danandphilshop emails— thought you should read this!

fwd: OhAmelia@icloud.com:

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you all so much for the great responses! I promise I read every single comment! I want to apologize for the gaps in time between chapters- work is crazy and I ran into a bit of writers block with this story. I think I have a better idea of where I want to go with it now, so that should help. When I first posted this I already had the first ten chapters written, so I was able to get it up quickly, but now I've caught up to where I've posted, so it'll be a bit more time between posts, but I will try my best not to let it go for two weeks again! Thank you for all the support. I'm really enjoying writing this and I'm glad you are enjoying the read!


	17. May 6, 2015 part 2

to: danisnotonfire  
from:martyn  
Subject: from danandphilshop emails— thought you should read this!

fwd: OhAmelia@icloud.com:

 

Dear Dan,  
You don’t know me, and I doubt this email will even get to you. I know that the website says not to send personal emails to you guys at this address, but I wasn’t sure how else to reach you that you might see.

My name is Amelia, or Amy, and I’m writing to let you know just how much your videos help me. I know, that’s probably something you hear all the time, but seriously, You need to know.  
Like you, I was never popular in school. I had friends, but none of them were really close. I felt like I was different from everyone else; like I would think in a different way, and my real personality was completely different from the guarded one I would show the world. I was never really myself. 

I made it through high school, and then college. I worked hard, mostly just studying, and got my degree in art. I even studied abroad in England during part of it, and that’s when I started watching your videos. I was lonely, and homesick at the time, and went on youtube looking for something to distract myself from the essay I should have been working on (because that’s the best time to procrastinate, right? When you’ve really got to get work done?) and I found your videos. I’ve been a fan ever since. I’ve seen ever video, and watched live shows when I could and I tried to start ‘real life.’ I wanted to move out, and finally did after getting a waitressing job to make ends meet. During this time I started my own youtube channel. It went nowhere, but still, if it hadn’t been for your videos I wouldn’t have had the courage to pick up a camera. 

Its been two years since then, and in that time my life changed drastically. In October of 2013, when I was 21, I was in a car accident. I was driving home from work at 1am when a drunk driver hit my car head on. I was paralyzed from the waist down with a complete spinal cord injury, and hospitalized for three months before I was released. I had to move back home with my parents, and re-learn how to live. Everything felt useless, and I was stifled, unable to do any of the things I used to do, it seemed. There were days when I wouldn’t get out of bed, when I didn’t even want to live. I was in and out of therapy and on and off of depression medication, and struggling to hang on.

During this time, however, your videos were a comfort— knowing that I had this friend who understood me, whether I would actually ever meet your or not; you and Phil helped to boost my morale, you in particular. During this time, I met somebody online, on Tumblr, through a mutual interest in your content, and after dating long distance for a year she moved out to the east coast of the US and now we live together in a new apartment, and she has turned out to be the love of my life, and things were slowly getting better. Honestly, she is the Dan to my Phil. (so cheesy. soz. seriously, though.)

When I saw that Tumblr post in January that you had been in an accident, I knew immediately that I needed to contact you somehow. I’m not even sure why, but I just want to let you know that there are people out here who understand. I’m here. Others are here. Your fans don’t think any less of you and never will. Adjusting, for me, was rough. For a long time I didn’t have any support other than my parents, but you were there for me whether you knew it or not, so I want you to know that someone who understands is there for you. Words cannot express how much it means to me, as someone who is now living with a handicap and will never get out of my wheelchair, that you continued to make videos; that you didn't quit, and that you’re starting to go back to things like the radio as well. Whether you know it or not, it helps all of us— the more people out in the public who are willing to live full lives despite their setbacks, the less stigma there will be towards people in wheelchairs and the like. By not retreating into privacy you are helping us all. Thank you.

Lastly, I know that you said that you may or may not be at Vidcon this year, which is understandable. Having traveled in my chair, I understand what a hassle it can be, and how exhausting and nerve wracking. If you do decide to attend however, I hope to meet you and say thank you in person.

Whatever happens in your recovery process, don’t give up. 

All the love,  
Amy. 

 

———  
Dan is reading it the third time through when Phil emerges in jeans and his Chewbacca shirt, hair straightened, and ready to go. Dan however, still hasn’t changed, or even moved form the hallway.

“Dan? You alright?”

“Huh?” He looks up at his fiance. “Oh. Yeah. Better than. Phil, read this.”

Phil takes Dan’s phone, appearing confused, and reads through the e-mail, before looking back to Dan with a happy smile.

“Why do you think your brother let this one through?” he asks Phil, finally moving to get dressed, yanking his PJ shirt over his head and pulling on his Japanese patchwork tee. He decides to keep his jogging shorts on as its warm outside and he can't be bothered to struggle through changing trousers right now, and shoves his Tumblr snapback over his hair, too lazy to bother with a straightener.

“Well, obviously, he thought you should read it. I kind of agree. Its good hearing from a fan who knows about all this isn’t it?” he gestures to the chair.

“Yeah,” Dan says, his voice far off. “I guess it is.” He takes his phone back, and turns the display off. Its twenty minutes later, sat on the blanketed grass in the sun with a bagel and a coffee that he talks again. 

“I want to go to Vidcon. I want to meet her.”

Phil has jam on his face from his crumpet when he responds. “Are you sure?” He’s trying not to sound excited, and Dan can tell. 

“Yeah. I want to meet her, and more of the other fans, and see our American friends again. I’m tired of not living, Phil. I wish I could make it so that people won’t treat me differently, but maybe she has a point, and that won’t happen until everyone gets used to it, and they’re not going to get used to it if I keep hiding away.”

Phil’s grin is brighter than the sun, and Dan’s grows to match. Its Phil. How can he not smile back?

“I’m going to e-mail her back. Maybe she’ll want to meet up for dinner or something…” he pulls out his phone, starting to scroll.

“Dan,” Phil says, making him look up.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”


	18. July 21, 2015

July 21, 2015

I look at the clock and then over to Phil who is sound asleep next to me. 4am. We’ve got two hours until we have to get up to head to the airport for the trip to Vidcon. I should definitely be asleep still, but I’ve been finding myself waking earlier and earlier now that I’m on a rigid schedule of medication, rest, and physical therapy. My mind is also too full to sleep again, mostly of Phil. I look back down at him again, knowing I’ll catch my rest on the plane later while Phil sits awake. His fringe is messy, flopping over his eyes rather than sweeping to the side, and I find myself reaching over to push it back from his forehead completely. His skin is cool to the touch, and his lips twitch up at the corners at the feeling of my fingers, but he doesn’t wake. Phil can usually sleep through anything, which is something I’m grateful for, barring when I have to get the post. I study his features for the millionth time; his eyes are closed, pale lids fluttering as he dreams. The dark circles that have been under his eyes for months have started to disappear again now that we’re both adjusting and getting more rest because of it. I look at his mouth, lips parted slightly as his breath passes between them, and I imagine them smiling. His cheeks are flecked with faint freckles brought on by the increase of sun now that its reached July, and they also sport the stubble of not shaving in about a week— its not fully a beard, but its not the clean shaven look he used to go for, because, as he says, shaving takes up time that he’d rather spend doing anything else. It suits him, though. He looks mature and lovely.

I roll carefully onto my back, unwrapping my arm from Phil’s waist, and look down to my blanketed toes, slowly flexing them as I’ve been instructed to do as much as possible. Its difficult, but the more I do it the easier it becomes— I have to concentrate to command the muscles to work. The amount of movement is still very limited, but I’ve improved majorly since the accident half a year ago. I can wiggle my toes and move my ankles a bit, and if I’m sitting with support I can straighten and bend my legs about a quarter of the way on my own. I still can’t stand; not unless in strapped to one of the machines in the therapy building that supports my back and hips, but the doctors say that if I keep going at the rate I have been that i could be standing by christmas, and walking with braces by spring.

Its been half a year. I think on that for a moment. It has been over half a year since the accident; since I woke up in a hospital bed surrounded by family and beeping machines that made me think that my happy life was officially over. It hadn’t been the end of my happiness though. The man sleeping next to him had made sure of that. In fact he had continued to make me happier than I would have ever thought. He was by my side for everything and had adapted his routine to mine; not that our lives weren’t fully intertwined before with a litany of ‘ours,’ and ‘me and phil’. Now he is legally my partner for life as of my birthday in June, and soon to be my official husband, as we finally settled on a date of this New Years Eve.

At about 5:50, Dan decides that its time to stop scrolling through Tumblr on his phone, and to wake Phil up so they can get ready. He turns off the alarm they had set before it can ring, and turns on the camera mode of his mobile. Not only is today the day that they travel to Vidcon, but it would also be their first day of weekly vlogging. After talking about it for over a month, he and phil had finally decided that they should chronicle both Dan’s journey to recover, and the months leading up to their wedding for the fans to watch, starting with the trip to Vidcon. They opened a new side channel for joint vlogging called 'danandphilVLOGS' figuring it would be entertaining for the viewers as well as informative, and help people to understand what someone in a wheelchair really faces day-to-day.

“Good morning, Internet,” Dan whispers into the camera, with the light of the screen illuminating his face. “Today starts the first day of weekly vlogging, and as we have a flight to LA for Vidcon in two hours, its time to wake Phil.” He reaches over and turns on the bear lamp on his bedside table before pointing the camera at Phil, who is sleeping on his side, back to Dan, with the duvet pulled up to his chin. He points the camera back at himself, counting down with his fingers and smirking before turning the camera back to his peacefully sleeping partner, shaking the camera and Phil’s shoulder and yelling “Phil! Phil phil phil phil Phil! Time to wake up! Rise and shine, motherfucker! Its Vidcon time!”

Phil groans and rolls onto his back, pulling the blanket over his head briefly before pulling it down to his nose and staring at Dan.

“I hate you. Was that really necessary?”

“It was absolutely necessary, Philip.” Dan says matter-of-factly. 

“Your voice is a terrifying thing to wake up to,” he says grabbing his glasses and rolling onto his side. 

“Good thing you get to wake up to it every day for the REST OF YOUR LIFE,” Dan says dramatically, chuckling, and leans over to kiss Phil’s forehead before turning the camera off. He kisses Phil properly for a moment before pulling back slowly pulling himself into a sitting position. “I love that I can kiss you on camera now.”

Phil nods with a sleepy smile, sitting up as well and running a hand through his mussed hair. “We had better get ready. Your family will be here to drive us to the airport in half an hour.”

—-  
“Hey guys!” Phil is vlogging now, as they make their way through the duty free section of the airport. “So, we’ve made it through baggage and security now, which was interesting to say the least, and now we’re on a safari hunt for coffee and snacks, and maybe some new sunglasses before we have to get onto the plane.” He pans down to Dan, who nods, as he steers his wheelchair. Their bags are hanging from the handlebars at the back. “So, Dan isn’t in his normal chair right now. Because its so bulky and massive, it had to be checked and loaded onto the plane separately, and he’s using his tiny collapsable one right now that the airline provided, so that’s currently a downside to traveling. We also had to get his family to drive us here as they're the only ones we know with a car big enough for the chair, and a big uber would have been too expensive. But once we get to LA he’ll be back to motoring around like super Mario, isn’t that right, Dan?”

“Yeah, totally," he gives a distracted thumbs up. "Phil, do you want muffins or a sandwich?” he asks, as he gathers their breakfast into his lap from the side section of Pret-A-Manger. 

“Muffins, please!” Phil says, turning the camera back to himself. “It looks like we’re the first ones in the airport as well since we left super early since we didn't know what to expect with the chair business. Pretty much everyone is flying out at the same time this year, so people like Louise and Zoe and Alfie should all be here soon! I’m so excited! We haven’t seen everyone in ages!”

When Dan comes back after paying for their food, Phil puts the camera away, and they go to find somewhere to sit in their terminal. Dan has gotten quiet since getting to the airport, but Phil isn’t surprised. He knows that this trip is a big step, and Dan is nervous about seeing everyone.

Phil reaches over with the hand not clutching a coffee cup, and grabs Dan’s right, lacing their fingers together. “Everything will go alright, bear. We’ve got this. I promise. All our friends are going to act the same as ever. If you get anxious at all, just tell me and we’ll go find somewhere quiet.” Dan nods, and let’s Phil kiss his cheek before leaning his head onto Phil’s bicep, not being able to reach his shoulder because his wheelchair was lower to the ground. 

A few minutes later, and they’re surrounded by their friends, who seem happy to see them but are all vlogging each other like normal, and Phil smiles at Dan as if to say “told you so.”

Louise comes over and unceremoniously flops down into the chair across from Phil, with Jack sitting down next to her, and she points her camera at Dan and Phil with a wide smile. “And here we have my favorite boys,” she says excitedly, and the two of them wave at the camera, before Jack protests— “I thought I was your favorite!” he says petulantly, causing Louise to turn the camera and give a deadpan look.

“Fine, then. Here is my favorite couple,” she says, showing Dan and Phil again, “And here is an absolute twat.” She shows Jack again, who gasps looking hurt and puts a hand to his heart dramatically, letting her know she’s wounded him. She ignores his antics and turns the camera back to Dan and Phil. “I’m so excited to spend time with these two this week and have all the bants!”

Dan grins. “We’ve missed you, Louise,” he says, speaking on behalf of Phil, which by now was just habit, even if he really aught not do that. Its okay though. He basically knows all of Phil’s thoughts before he speaks them anyway. 

Louise turns her camera off and puts it in her bag. “I’ve missed you, too!” she says, and lowers her voice, leaning forward so not many can hear their conversation. “You guys really need to catch me up later on everything that’s going on with the healing process, okay? Also, if I’m not in your wedding I’ll be more deeply wounded than Jack is right now.” She says this in a mothering tone, and they both can’t help but nod. 

“Don’t worry,” Dan says his grin spreading, “You’re definitely in the wedding. I’m going to need several groom’s maids. Any chance Darcy would want to be a flower girl?”


	19. July 21, 2015 - part2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I just wanted to thank everyone again for reading. Your comments are what keeps me writing this! I just wanted to let you know that a bit of time may pass between posts, because post-university job-search life is hectic, and I've been working at my restaurant job a bit more to pay for some car repairs, but this story won't be abandoned. I'll try my best to update as often as is humanly possible for me. 
> 
> The next several chapters are all going to be vidcon related, with some added drama, so look forward to that!
> 
> Cheers!  
> x Al0homora

June 21, 2015 - 5:43pm pacific time

Dan cannot wait to get off of this plane. He’s usually a bit claustrophobic and uncomfortable on long-haul flights, but every other time in his life is nothing compared to this. Usually he can get up and walk up and down the aisle every few hours, but right now he is literally stuck in his chair until the plane lands. Phil had helped him into the tiny bathroom once, a few hours ago, and it had been such a challenge that they both decided he should just stay put until they land, which they have, but now they’ve got to wait for everyone else on the plane to clear out so they can go behind them and not slow down the line of exiting passengers.

They meet up with all of the others at baggage claim, where its another 40 minutes until their luggage begins to appear. 

“Is that it?” Louise, who has already collected her bright pink bag asks, pointing to a blue case coming down the conveyer belt. They’re still waiting for Phil’s checked bag and Dan’s chair.

“No,” Phil says, craning his neck to try and see where the bags are coming out. “That’s the right colour, but mine has a yellow Jake the Dog luggage tag on it. 

“I swear to god if they lost our shit—“ Dan mumbles, still irritated from feeling so cramped on the airplane. 

“I’m sure they’re coming,” Phil reasons, rubbing Dan’s back a bit. “They were loaded into the plane first, so they’re probably gonna be the last to come out.” He doesn’t tell Dan that he has a bad feeling about this himself, and dammit, if the stupid airport loses Dan’s chair he will be having some strong words very soon. 

Twenty minutes later, most of their friends have left for the hotel promising to catch up later, and the pair are left with Louise, who decided to stick around and play mother, while it starts to look increasingly hopeless that the chair and Phil’s luggage actually made it here.

“That’s it. I’m going to go talk to somebody,” Dan says beginning to wheel the tiny airport chair towards the US airways desk on the side of the room, irritation clearly evident. Phil trades looks with Louise, seemingly coming to a silent decision. 

Phil grabs the handle of Dan’s chair, stopping him, which he knows Dan really hates, but its either he go himself, or the desk clerk would soon be facing a barrage of useless swear words.

“That’s okay, Dan. You keep Louise company, and I’ll go talk to them. I’m sure they’re just lost somewhere on the unloading dock and they can go look for us.”

The brunette glares up at Phil for a minute when his forward momentum is stopped, but sighs, giving up. “They better be in the fucking loading dock. I’m not spending all week in this stupid plastic chair that squeaks when you try to move the wheels.”

Phil nods. “We’ll find it, Dan. Why don’t you tweet to let the viewers know we landed safe and I’ll be back soon?”

Dan does tweet:

danisnotonfire: landed safely in LA. sat in airport with @sprinkleofgltr and @amazingphil waiting for all of our stuff which the airline misplaced -.-

Trying to distract him from watching Phil as he talks to the airline reps, Louise takes the vlogging camera from Dan’s lap and switches it on, saying hello to everyone and showing them the empty baggage carousel. 

“So, Dan. Everyone has gone to the hotel. Whatever are we still doing here?”

Dan looks straight into the camera giving an exaggerated sigh. “Well, Louise, you’ve got your bag, I’ve got my bag, but Phil— Phil hasn’t got his, you see, and also I’m stuck in this airport chair because they seem to have ‘misplaced’ my 2000 pound motor chair.”

Louise gives the camera an unamused look and begins talking about how she’s excited for Vidcon when they hear Phil raise his voice, and she tells the camera “got to go.” before shutting it off. 

They can hear Phil across the wide atrium, and Dan bites his lip torn between smiling and frowning. Phil rarely got angry; especially towards strangers, so he wonders what they must have said to set him off. At the same time he can’t help but feel a tinge of fondness at the fact that Phil is arguing on his behalf.

Louise grabs their bags and follows Dan as he wheels himself closer to his fiancé. As they get closer they hear phil say “This is absolutely unacceptable. We arrived at Heathrow two hours earlier than necessary to accommodate getting that chair checked and loaded separately because it was so important, and for it to be left on the tarmac along with my baggage?! Are you actually joking? What kind of incompetent morons do you hire? And you’re actually telling me that you’re perfectly fine with stranding a disabled passenger in a foreign country without their fucking wheelchair?”

“Sir,” the short man behind the counter looks both terrified and flustered. “I promise you we’re going to do everything we can to retrieve the items lost, but it may not—“

“God damn right you’re going to do everything you can you—“

“Phil.” Dan reaches up, grabbing onto Phil’s forearm to get his attention before giving him a look that wills him to calm down. The last thing Dan wants right now, no matter how angry he himself is, is a scene. Phil opens his mouth once, twice, before closing it and letting his shoulders slump, and Dan looks up at the man behind the desk who is now frantically dialing a number on his phone.

“Is there anything we can do to expedite the retrieval process or get a different motorized chair for now? Because honestly this is really inconvenient. We’re only here for a week for a convention that will require me to be as mobile as possible.”

“Yes, sir. I understand. I’m trying to get ahold of my higher-ups to see what we can do for you.” He holds up a finger to signal that someone is on the other side of the line as he glances at Phil, still looking apprehensive, and Dan glances up as well. Phil is pinching at the bridge of his nose, and trying to take deep breaths while Louise rests a hand on his shoulder, and is texting on her phone, presumably letting everyone know they’ll be late for dinner. Wanting to help calm his boyfriend, Dan reaches up, and tangles his fingers with Phil’s, earning himself a tired and guilty looking half smile. When the man behind the counter hangs up from his call after writing a few things down and mumbling several okays, Phil speaks again. 

“Look, sir. I’m really sorry for snapping at you. It has just been a really long day, and as you can imagine, traveling is hard enough without a wheelchair, but with it— and there’s just a lot of important camera equipment in my bag, and yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. You’re just doing your job, and I appreciate that.”

Dan smiles at this . This is the Phil he’s used to, who wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone shout at one.

“That’s alright, sir. Its our mistake, and I can appreciate that your anger isn’t towards me, but whoever misplaced your items. I just spoke with management, and we’re working on retrieving everything, and it should be landing here in seven to twelve hours. In the mean time we’ve got a $200 visa voucher for you to pick up some new clothing and whatever other essentials you may need during the wait, and we’re arranging to have a motorized chair to meet you down at arrivals that you’ll be able to use for the interim. Also, due to the inconvenience we’re throwing in two return flight vouchers to the country of your choice for use anytime during the next year.”

“Wow. Okay. Uhm… thank you so much sir. Any timeframe for when our stuff will get here?” Dan asks, as Phil nods. 

The plane should arrive tonight or tomorrow morning depending on air traffic, and we can arrange to have it all taken to your hotel tomorrow or the day after at the latest.” 

“Great,” Louise chimes in. “Anything else we should do now, or can we just head to our hotel?”

“No. You’re all set. I already got the necessary information from mister—,” he looks down at his computer screen “Howell-Lester. So you’re good to go!”

“Cheers!” Dan says, excited to get the hell away from this airport all together. 

True to their word there is a motorized chair waiting for them at arrivals. Its smaller and less fancy that Dan’s own, but it is a million times better than the collapsable one the had been in. Once they get him situated they head outside to meet their uber. Phil decides that for the night he’ll just wear the jeans he came in and borrow one of Dan’s shirts to go out to eat, as he’s too jet lagged and excited to see their american friends to deal with shopping right now; especially jeans shopping.

Once they’re situated in the cab, Dan shoots Phil an amused smirk.

“What?” Phil asks, eyes wide.

“Howell-Lester?”

He watches as Phil reddens all the way to the tip of his ears, and Louise starts laughing. “I-it sounded more official! I told the man that the airline had lost my husband’s wheelchair…”

“Oh my god, Phil.” Dan covers his face with his hands briefly. “What made you so mad anyway?”  
“That guy wasn’t being helpful at all until you came over. I was being as polite as possible and he just didn’t care about the situation and wasn’t even going to call anyone about it, and I started thinking about you being stuck in that stupid collapsable chair at vidcon trying to do a meet and greet or get around to panels or at the parties, and I just got mad. I didn’t mean to swear at him, it just happened.” He's looking sheepishly at his hands in his lap. 

Dan sighs. “Well, thanks for trying to being chivalrous, I guess, Mr. Howell-Lester.” The shit-eating grin on his face lets Phil know that he’s teasing, causing the elder to groan again and cover his own face with one hand, and shove at Dan’s shoulder with the other. 

“You’re not going to let that go, are you?” he asks.

“Never.” Dan and Louise respond at the same time.


	20. July23, 2015

Jul 23, 2015

“Babe?”

Phil calls from inside the bathroom where he’s just finished a shower. Dan is already dressed and in his chair thanks to Phil’s help, and is straightening his hair in front of a mirror in the hotel room hallway. 

“Yeah?”

“I forgot to buy pants.”

Dan puts down his straightener and steers the chair to the bathroom entrance where he sees Phil with a towel around his waist, digging around in the shopping bags from the day before. Their stuff still hadn’t arrived, and after the merciless teasing Phil endured from their friends for wearing Dan’s moth shirt to dinner the other night, they had made a point to go shopping yesterday and get Phil some Phil-like clothes to last him the interim; a myriad of patterned t-shirts and plaid button ups and black skinnies and bright jumpers. He effectively had a whole new wardrobe bought half with the visa gift card from the airline, and half with his own money because he just wanted some different things to wear anyway, and Dan was more than slightly jealous, and decided to go shopping for himself when they get back home. All of his clothes had gotten pretty baggy with all the weight he had lost since being in his chair.

“Seriously? Phil, you got multiple pairs of dog socks, and a belt along with all those clothes, and you forgot underwear?”

“Apparently,” Phil responds, shrugging. “Can I just borrow a pair of yours?”

Dan sighs, and wheels over to where his open suitcase is on the floor. “Yeah. You’re gonna have to go buy some later though or we’ll run out. You’re lucky we’re practically married already or this would be weird. Stars or plain blue?”

“Stars please. And its not like we haven’t worn each others boxers before, Dan. And hopefully I won’t have to buy any. Our stuff should get here today.”

Dan throws the pair over his shoulder, and laughs when it hits Phil in the face. “Get dressed fast. As much as I enjoy seeing you shirtless, we only have an hour until we introduce Cat’s stage thing and I want to try and sneak out the back of the hotel to avoid getting mobbed and then get something to eat from the green room first.”

Phil mock salutes and heads back into the bathroom, leaving Dan still chuckling as he goes back to fixing his hair and trying to settle his nerves for the upcoming week. 

Once they’re finally in the green room, where everybody has broken off to chat in their own little groups, Dan begins to feel the first wave of real apprehension and drums on the arms of the chair nervously. This is going to be the first time, aside from the small handful in the hotel lobby the day they arrived, that he would be facing fans in his chair. He was only going to be on stage for twenty minutes, introducing Cat with Phil and leading her in a Q+A, but already, nerves were building, not to be helped by the reminder that they had their stage thing tomorrow, which he was really regretting agreeing to, and he wasn’t sure yet if he could deal with doing a meet and greet at all.  
All he could focus on was how he was about to roll rather than walk onto a stage, where everyone, tens of thousands of people, and countless more on Youtube, would be able to see his useless, and now pitifully skinny legs. The past several videos he had made were from the chest up, and the viewers had only seen the chair in a few of Phil’s videos, as they hadn’t begun posting about this trip on their vlogging channel yet and wouldn’t until the week was out. This was weird. He feels exposed and he isn’t sure how to deal with it. He can feel his pulse rising along with the heat in the room.

Phil looks down at him from where he’s talking with Jim Chapman, and his eyebrows knit together at the look on Dan’s face. He puts a hand on his back, making him look up. 

“You okay, Dan?”

Dan grits his teeth into a smile and nods, trying to look convincing, but he knows that he fails. Phil excuses them from conversation, and pushes Dan’s chair into a corner away from other ears before kneeling down to his level and taking one of his hands, which are sweating now. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothings wrong.”

“Dan.” Phil’s tone is warning. 

Dan looks around the room. Mostly everyone is preoccupied and paying them no mind, but already he feels as if he’s being watch and scrutinized. “I’m nervous. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t want to go out there.” Dan is looking down at his knees.

“I’m nervous too, Dan. I hate talking in front of that many people. It makes me all shaky and weird. You know that. We can do it though. We’ve done it so many times before.”

“No. Phil, this isn’t just stage fright this time. I— I don’t like the idea of people seeing me like this.”

“Like what? You look like Dan to me. That’s all people want to see. Nobody’s gonna care that you’re in a chair.”

Phil’s eyes look genuine, but Dan finds that it still doesn’t help. He lets his head hang as he begins to feel tears pricking his eyes. Phil’s going to be so mad at him for bailing on something again.

“No. I— You don’t get it, do you? I’m not just Dan anymore. I’m sorry, Phil. I just can’t right now, okay? I — Can you tell Cat I’m sorry? I think I’m going to head back to the room and lie down for a bit.”

“Okay, Dan. Just—“

“I’m sorry, Phil. I really don’t want to argue about it right now, alright? Tell Cat I apologize and I’ll see you later. I think I just need some time alone right now.”

Phil bites his lip to keep from arguing further, swallowing his worry. It won’t help anything and he doesn’t want to start a scene in front of all their friends. “Okay. I’ll come back to the room after the show and we’ll —.”

Dan doesn’t hear though. He has already started motoring away in the slower, louder chair, not meeting any of his friends’ eyes as he leaves because he can’t handle the shame of disappointing everyone. Getting back from the convention center to the hotel takes time, as he can’t just hop on a golf cart like usual, and has to follow behind them at a snail’s pace. By the time he finally sneaks in a back handicap entrance, goes up to the 7th floor and reaches his room he’s starting to enter full-blown panic attack mode. He’s sweating, his heart is racing, his mind is swimming in circles, and his breathing is quick and laboured, and he hopes to god that none of the fans have seen him. With any luck they’re all in the convention center where they’re expecting him and Phil on stage with Cat.   
Tears are coming now that he’s alone, and now that he’s past the threshold for calming himself down naturally he struggles to locate his pills within his carry on bag before popping a whole Xanax rather than his usual half, with a bite of granola bar and washing it down with water from the bottle left on Phil’s bedside table. After that its all he can do to haul himself sloppily onto the double bed before bursting into sobs that left him struggling even more for a deep breath, wishing only to fall into an unsettled prescription induced sleep.

———

Before he has time to tell anyone but Cat otherwise, he and Dan are both being announced, and he finds himself on stage alone apologizing on Dan’s behalf and saying that he wasn’t feeling well before introducing Cat and running her stage game. His mind is elsewhere though, not allowing him to take in how many people are in the room, and when the whole thing is over he doesn’t even remember it happening because he had done it on auto-pilot. 

Dan probably thinks he’s mad at him right now, and given the fact that they just recently fought about Dan backing out on plans he shouldn’t be surprised, but more to truth, he’s extremely worried. He’s known Dan for long enough now to know when he’s starting to become panicky before it happens, and he really hopes that he made it back to the hotel room alright. The signs had all been there; the fidgeting, the heavier breathing, the sweating, the way he avoids Phil’s eyes before an attack because he feels guilty about it. Phil had been trying to tell Dan to stay in the green room during the performance so he’d be around others who care about him, and then they’d go back to the hotel together and rest and talk, but he had rolled away.

Excusing himself after reaching the backstage area, and dodging questions from everyone about where Dan had gone and if he was alright, Phil made his way to the back of the venue and onto a cart to the hotel. Once there he felt extremely rude to be ignoring fans in the lobby just to continue walking on his way, but he really didn’t have time right now. Something told him that he needed to get to Dan right now. 

Finally he reaches their room, letting himself in after a brief struggle to locate his room key. The first thing he notices is the quiet, and the second is the way that Dan has tried to curl up on his side despite his legs staying at an odd stagnant angle. Dropping his backpack and coming closer to his fiancé, it doesn’t take him long at all to take note of the redness in Dan’s cheeks, and tears still stuck to his long lashes and leaking onto the pillow, but the younger boy seems now to be fully asleep.

Phil then notices the open Xanax bottle on the bedside table and realizes what Dan must have done. His heart gives a painful lurch as he reaches for the bottle. Looking inside he immediately calms down. Dan can’t have taken more than one, and Phil’s not sure why he thought for a moment that he had, but from time to time he still worries and wonders about Dan’s old self destructive tendencies. Dan wouldn’t do that now, though. Dan wouldn’t leave him like that.

Phil puts the bottle back down by the lamp and reaches down to pull the shoes off of Dan’s feet and position him on his side in a less stained manner, before kicking off his own and laying down behind him, letting one arm rest under his own head with the hand raking through Dan’s hair, and the other wrap around Dan’s middle to pull him close. 

It takes a couple of hours for Dan to start to come-to, and when he does he can’t help but snuggle back into the warmth of Phil who has fallen asleep waiting. He feels out of sorts and groggy, but definitely much more calm. 

When Phil wakes again a bit later, Dan feels the elder’s fingers wind their way through his hair again as his eyes fixate on the light panels streaming around the edges of the hotel’s blackout curtains creating rainbow swirls in the dust, and for a minute he wishes to never leave this feeling of calm high above the rest of the world with only Phil and the whirling designs of a quiet afternoon. 

Phil speaks softly into his ear, as if he’s aware of the younger’s pensive state. “Feeling any better, love?”

Dan moves to roll onto his back, and Phil helps him, reaching down to untangle his legs and lay them out straight. The elder finds that he likes that he can watch Dan’s face now that he’s on his back. He can see into his eyes and practically read his mind. 

— i’m okay, here, now, with you. but not out there. can we just stay here?—

“Physically, yes. Mentally? That’s questionable. I’m sorry, Phil. I shouldn’t have run like that.”

“That’s okay. You were on the verge of a panic attack. You weren’t thinking clearly.”

Dan looks back up into his eyes. “You’re not mad?”

“No.” Phil places a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Not mad. You had me worried, is all. Could you do me a favor and let me back into that mind of yours though please? I’d appreciate understanding what’s going on.”

“We came all this way and now I don’t think I can go out on that stage or hold a meet-up. It terrifies me, Phil.”

“What is it exactly that scares you?”

“Letting them down.”

“And how would you let them down? I swear I’m not trying to be dense, Dan. I just don’t understand.”

 

“Me, in this chair. I’m not the same person, Phil. And I feel like there are people who paid to come here just to see us, and I’m just going to disappoint them because I can’t go out there and be funny and witty like I used to. When we were in the green room all I could think about was everyone watching me. I’m just going to disappoint them. I’m barely able to make a joke now, and this will be the first real time that any of our viewers have seen me in this chair.”

“And why not?” Phil asks, tilting his head to the side. “You’re still the same person with the same sense of humor, you’re just less mobile. And apparently less confident.”

Dan can’t meet Phil’s eyes any longer, and instead focuses back on the shafts of light streaming from the edges of the curtains. 

“You’re no different, you know. Not really.” Phil’s hand goes back to playing with Dan’s hair, which is once again in need of a haircut. “And you have absolutely no reason to feel less confident than ever. The fans still love you just the same. If they didn’t they wouldn’t be fans. I love you just the same, too. Always will.”

Dan looks back up into blue eyes, finding honesty. 

“Thanks, Phil. I’m still not sure if I want to do any of this right now though.”

“That’s fine, Dan. We didn’t say yes or no to anything and nothing has been announced, so we can still back out of it all. Don’t decide now, though. Let’s wait until the morning. If you decide not to, then no harm done. We never agreed to anything right out. Also, you still need to get in touch with that Amy girl while we’re here.”

“Okay,” Dan agrees. He reaches for Phil’s hand which is now brushing his cheek, and intertwines their fingers before looking down at them, enjoying the sight of their engagement rings again. 

The moment is broken when Phil’s phone chimes, and he pulls away to look at it. 

“Its the airline people. They have your chair and my bag down in the lobby. Are you okay to go down, or do you want me to go?”

“I’ll go with you,” Dan sighs, pushing down his lingering anxiety. “I have to swap them that horrible chair, and maybe I can apologize to some of the fans there for missing the stage thing with you and Cat.”

“You’re sure?” Phil’s eyebrows raise with worry, and he brushes Dan’s fringe back for the millionth time. 

“Yeah. I mean, I may as well suck it up, right?” Dan’s expression is resolute and forced, but Phil doesn’t argue it. “I need to get used to being in a bloody chair in front of people, so I should start now. They’ll all see our vlog on Sunday, anyway.”

Sitting up, and pulling Dan up as well by an arm around his back, Phil kisses him full on the lips.

“Alright then. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment's are always appreciated!


	21. July 24, 2015

July 24th, 2015

Restless, Dan hauls himself from the bed into his chair. He hadn’t thought he’d ever be happy to see the shiny black metal contraption, but after three days without it, the familiar object was now very welcome, down to the Mario and kitten stickers Phil had snuck onto the armrest months ago. He felt much more settled now that he was back in his own chair. Its about 6:00am, and he’s wide awake, but Phil is still asleep. He had attempted to wake him up a while ago, only to be greeted with a grumpy scowl as he had rolled over to put his back towards Dan and pull the covers up over his head. Phil is not a morning person.

Deciding that its early enough that he might not run into many people, Dan locates his wallet, phone, and room key and heads down to the lobby in search of coffee to bring back to his grumpy partner. Maybe that would make him more eager to get out of bed. 

The hotel is quiet, and as Dan rolls down the long hallway towards the elevator, he’s reminded momentarily of The Shining, and shivers at the thought of seeing those eerie twins, or an abandoned tricycle further up the patterned carpet. He’s startled from his thoughts as the elevator dings open, and he looks up to see Zoe inside leaning against the wall and digging in her purse.   
“Hey,” he greets her as he rolls inside.

Her head snaps up, and she smiles wide. “Oh, hello! This is the earliest I’ve ever seen you! Where’s Phil?” she asks amiably. 

Dan laughs, and offers jet lag by way of explanation. “Phil’s being a lazy git and won’t get out of bed, so I’m on a hunt for coffee.”

“Alfie’s the same,” Zoe tells him, “And Louise is even grumpier this early when she’s away from home without Darcy so I’m not even bothering to call her. I’m getting them some breakfast because we won’t have time for room service, so should we just go together?” she asks.

“Yeah, sure.” Dan smiles. He’s always like being around Zoe because she’s such a calm and grounded person. He’s not sure why they don’t hang out more often. 

“So how has Vidcon been going? Louise told me about what happened at the airport. I hope that all got sorted.”

“Yeah. We got our stuff back last night and I’m back in my own chair now,” Dan gestures to the contraption he’s sitting in. “Its been okay. Honestly, We didn’t come with anything booked, and I’m not sure if we’ll end up doing a meet up or stage thing at all. I kind of backed out of a thing yesterday because I was freaking out too badly. I just wanted to be 'At Vidcon,' though, you know? Even if we’re not a part of it all this year.”

Zoe gives him a look of understanding mixed with sympathy. “I totally get that. I’ve skipped out on meeting fans before because of my anxiety and it feels awful when I have to do that, but if its what I need then its what I’ll do. They’ll either understand or they won’t and if they don’t then they’re not worth our worry anyway.”

They arrive at the ground floor, and Zoe steps out first, waiting for Dan to catch up. 

“Yeah, that’s what Phil said. I still can’t help but feel bad though. Like, so many people bought tickets just to see us and I don’t want to let anyone down, but I might have to. I literally could not bring myself to go on stage yesterday. I would have been hyperventilating.”

Zoe nods. “Let them know, then. Vlog or tweet, and let them know what’s going on, and I’m sure they’ll understand. Also, if the only reason they got Vidcon tickets was to meet their favorite vlogger or whatever, then they're here for the wrong reason anyway.”

They’re in line now at the lobby Starbucks. Thankfully the hotel is still pretty empty at this hour with just a few staff and some tired and grumpy looking parents milling about. 

“Yeah, that’s an idea. I still kind of want to try to do something for everyone though. I feel horrible about it all.”

“What about a talk off of the main stage; something more intimate? That’s what Louise does. Its only a small number of people allowed in first-come first-serve, and that’s it. Or you could do the meet and greet differently. I book out a room with tables and everybody comes in and sits and chats and has snacks while I go around to each table. Its a lot more laid back, and it takes some of the pressure off of me. I can ask my manager about getting the room for you afterward if you want.”

Dan mulls this over as he orders two caramel macchiatos, and Zoe orders her things.

“I think that sounds like a much less scary idea,” he concludes. "Could you ask about us booking it?" 

“Yeah, definitely. My meet-up is this morning at ten so I should be done by two.” They’re making their way back upstairs.

“Thank you so much, Zoe,” Dan says sincerely. He’s beginning to feel more hopeful now, and a lot less frazzled. Coffee wasn't a bad idea either. 

“That’s alright! Honestly, let me know if there’s anything I can do. I know I don’t know you all that well, but I’m willing to help with whatever I can. Also, you and Phil should come hang out tonight. A bunch of us are going to have a chilled evening in my room with pizza and a movie and the boys will probably have some drinks. I think its Jim and Tanya, and Louise, and Joe, and Alfie, and Troye and Tyler and Connor and maybe Joey and some others. You should come hang out.”

“Thanks! That sounds good." He says as the elevator dings back onto his floor, and he rolls out. "I’ll text you.”

“Okay. I’ll let you know about the meet up room in a few!”

———

“Phil.” Dan says quietly. He places the coffees on the bedside table and leans forward in his chair so he can reach Phil’s forehead to brush back his fringe. 

“No.” Phil’s voice is deep and muffled by the pillow. 

“Come on, Phil. Wake up. We’ve got a lot to do today.”

“Nuh-uh. Sleep.” He grabs Dan's hand from his forehead and pulls it to his chin, squeezing it.

Dan sighs, and pulls his hand back to grab a cup of coffee from the side table. “I brought you a present.”

Phil cracks an eye open and looks up at Dan who’s holding the cup out to him with a goofy grin on his face, and he heaves an exaggerated sigh and forces himself into a sitting position against the headboard before accepting the coffee and letting out an appreciative sound at his first sip.

“So glad you have my order memorized for basically anywhere we go. How long have you been up?” he asks.

Dan shrugs. “Little over an hour. I tried to get you up before but you wouldn’t budge so I went down to the lobby. Had a nice chat with Zoe.”

“I’m sorry. You should have made me get up,” he says, looking guilty now.

“And face your morning attitude? No thanks. Besides, I was fine. No one was in the lobby yet except for some confused parents wondering what they're doing here with pre-teen daughters. My talk with Zoe actually helped me figure out what to do about a meet up.”

“Yeah?” Phil’s expression is wary, which probably shouldn’t be unexpected after the day before.

“Yup. We’ll have one. Just smaller. Zoe said we can use the room she uses which has a bunch of tables for people to sit at and they’ll have snacks, or we'll provide snacks, and we’ll just go around a table at a time rather than face a really long line. We can cap it at like 200 people or something-- send out the info on twitter and say that the first 200 who arrive get in. I figure everyone who doesn't make it will be pretty peeved, but I think its as fair as we can make it.”

Phil thinks it over, and smiles. “Thats actually brilliant. Did you not want to do a stage thing too?”

Dan shakes his head. “No. Not this time, I don’t think. I’m going to film a video about it all though, and explain what happened yesterday and why we're only doing a small thing, so I’ll need your help with that if that’s okay. I figure I can make it funny and turn it into a reasons why dan’s a fail, but then have a kinda serious ending with you in it to explain the situation.”

Phil shrugs, sipping on his coffee some more. "Sounds good to me."  
————

The meet and greet is finally over, and Dan finally feels like he can breathe again. It had gone well; they had gotten to everyone for pictures and autographs within about three hours, and all of the fans had been lovely if not overly nice. That was a dynamic that Dan would still have to get used to— the fans didn’t have the same level of sarcasm with him that they used to take. It was as if they felt, or could sense, that he’s more fragile than he used to be; and well, they’re not wrong. For the most part the day had been great, though.

Right now he and Phil were in a back hallway of the convention center. All of the stuff that people had given them was being sorted and boxed up to be sent home, and they were planning to get back to the hotel as soon as possible to shower and eat before heading up to Zoe’s room. Dan was a little frightened about actually socializing, but he knew that it was the best thing to do right now. 

“Tired?” Phil asked. They were now on the walk back to the hotel. Dan couldn’t ride in a golf cart, and Phil had opted to stay with Dan, because when wouldn’t he?

“Nah,” Dan responds. “Just sore. My back hurts a bit.”

“You sure you wanna go out tonight?” Phil’s concern is palpable, but Dan shoots it down.

“Absolutely. Besides, we’re just going one floor up. If we want to leave at any time, we can.”

Phil nods. Out of the corner of his eye, Dan sees his hand reach toward him slightly before its shoved in his pocket. They used to always hold hands when they were walking alone like this, but the height and speed of Dan’s chair made that pretty impossible to do comfortably. Its little things like this which Dan catches Phil doing that make him wonder just how hard this adjustment had been for him as well. He had been so even-headed this whole time, and seemed to take everything in stride, but sometimes he would catch a glimpse of Phil longing for simpler times when they were just two average, able-bodied people orbiting around one another. 

Dan stops rolling forward for a minute, and reaches up to pull Phil’s hand from his pocket before giving it a squeeze. Phil’s expression is questioning, but Dan just smiles, hoping to reassure him.  
“I just wanted to say thanks, Phil. For the past couple of days, and for everything else these past few months. You’ve been so great with it all, even when I’m being a stubborn ass. I just— I love you so much.”

Phil’s smile reaches his eyes as he leans down to kiss Dan soundly on the lips, and Dan’s glad to see it there. 

“I love you too, you spork. Come on. Let’s go see our friends.”


	22. July 26th, 2015

July 26th, 2015

“Baby bear, do you want me to go with you, or do you want me to stay here?” Phil is leaning back in the couch near the entrance of their hotel room, playing apps on his phone and watching Dan as he fidgets with his hair in the mirror.

Dan raises an eyebrow at the nickname. Phil had been using cutesy pet names more and more often in the past couple of months, but Dan couldn't necessarily say he didn't like it. “I dunno, _babe_. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want you there, but I don’t know. I don’t want to freak her out, or have her get overwhelmed, but I’m also sure she’d love to meet you, if her e-mails are anything to go by. Could you maybe show up after like, an hour or something?”

“Sure. I’ll ride in the taxi to drop you off so I can see where to go, and then I’ll explore LA for a bit and come back.”

Dan smiles at Phil through the mirror, and unplugs his straighteners. He pulls at his shirt a bit, his black Damien Hirst diamond skull one, adjusting the way it sits on his shoulders before settling back in his chair. His body is definitely different than it had been; his shoulders are broader and more rounded out with muscle from the constant lifting of his own body weight and steering the chair manually, but he’s lost a fair few pounds around the middle which is both a side affect of his medications, and the loss of appetite he had had for quite a while. His legs, which used to be quite naturally toned, have lost a lot of muscle from disuse, and his jeans were now baggy, not that it mattered much when he was sitting in a chair all day. He has to laugh at the irony that the one time in his life when he achieves a near-six-pack is when he’s stuck in a wheelchair. This is not what he meant when he proclaimed that ‘get fit’ was his new years resolution year after year. Then again, maybe this whole thing was some cruel ironic joke on his life. He had always suspected that whatever higher power there was was a sarcastic ass-biting motherfucker. That higher power had led him to Phil though, so he could’t be too spiteful.

“You wanna hit Allsaints, and the Selfridges sales when we get home?” Phil asks, watching his fiancé fidget with his clothing, taking the subtle hint. Dan would always be finicky about his looks and it was something Phil had grown used to watching.

 

“Yes, please.” Dan grins. His phone rings in the pocket he had super glued to the arm of his chair, and he looks down at it. 

“Uber is here. Lets go, I guess.”

“You’re not nervous, are you?” Phil asks, when they’re settled in the back of the car. 

“Not nervous, I just want to make a good impression. I mean, this is someone who says that we’ve changed her life. I want to live up to her expectations, you know?”

Phil nods. “You will. Just be yourself and you’ll be fine.”

“Wow thanks, Phil. Such great cookie-cutter advice.”

“I’m serious! You don't need to be danisnotonfire. Just be Dan.”

“Alright,” he agrees as the car comes to a stop in front of a quaint looking cafe. “See you later, I guess.” He kisses Phil’s cheek before letting the wheelchair dock lower him out of the back of the handicap van and onto the ground, thanking the driver.

Dan’s not sure what to expect when he enters the place, but immediately he appreciates the atmosphere. Its calm and classic; wooden floors and clean metal tables, and acoustic indie music playing in the background. The coffee smells wonderful, and the room is buzzing with chatter. Momentarily, he feels as if he’s inside of Connor Franta’s instagram feed.

He’s about ten minutes early, so he orders a latte and wheels his chair to a table by a corner window, moving the chairs out of the way to wait and make room for Amy. Fifteen minutes later, Dan is scrolling through twitter on his phone when she rolls up to the table with a shy smile. 

“Hi.” She says quietly, giving a wave, and Dan can see a bit of a blush on her cheeks.

“Hey, great to meet you!” he says enthusiastically. “Thanks for agreeing to meet up away from the convention. Its good to have a break, and I figured we could have a better chat away from all the craziness.”

He looks her over as she settles at the table. She’s a small girl, thin, but was probably quite tall. Her hair is a brownish auburn colour and her eyes are a bright hazel. She’s dressed simply, in black jeans, a red and blue plaid button-up, and has a grey beanie on top of her head, and is wearing large black framed glasses. Dan is momentarily struck with the thought that if it weren’t for the brown in her eyes, she would look as if she were Phil’s long lost little sister.

“So,” Dan says, “Skipping past the ‘hi I just met you’ awkwardness, you have no idea how much your letter helped me. I got it on a particularly bad day, and it helped more than you could know, so just, thanks. So much.”

Amelia’s smile is wide. “No. Thank you, Dan. Your videos helped me hold myself together when I needed to, and honestly, you’ve got no idea what it means to me that you haven’t quit because of your injuries. I’ve got to be honest, I have no idea what to talk about now that I’m finally meeting you.”

Dan grins. “Good, I’m not the only one. God, I’m so awkward, I’m sorry. Umm, so, what are you into besides youtube? What are your favorite shows and music or whatever? Let’s just be friends.”

Conversation rolls quickly from there. In a weird way, Dan feels as if he’s talking to a female version of himself, because she seems to understand everything he’s talking about, from Game of Thrones theories, down to the things they miss about being able to walk. When he sees Phil enter the cafe some time later, he’s surprised its been that long already. He smiles up at his boyfriend quickly, whom Amy hasn’t yet seen with her back to the door as she stirs her coffee, and Phil points to the counter, mouthing that he’s going to get a drink before joining them. 

Dan clears his throat, and looks up at his new friend, somewhat guiltily. “So, um, I may or may not have told Phil to come meet us here after an hour. Is that okay? I kind of assumed that you might want to meet him too.”

“Seriously?” She asks, her face lighting up with excitement all over again.

“Yeah,” Dan’s face flushes red. “I’m kind of a clingy idiot who can’t go without him for more than a few hours, so…”

She grins. “I’m totally the same way with my girlfriend, Sam. She’s up the road right now, shopping, and waiting for me to call.”

“You should tell her to come by,” Dan says brightly. “I’d like to meet her after how wonderful you made her sound in your letter.”

Amy goes bright red again, and pulls out her phone, typing out a text. “She’d love that. Thanks!”

“Hello!” Phil says brightly, pulling up a chair and setting down his coffee. “I hope I’m not interrupting serious business or anything?” He asks, grinning at Dan who is smiling up at him. He turns to Amelia and offers a hand. “I’m Phil. But you probably know that already.”

“Nice to meet you!” She says, unable to contain her smile, and then starts laughing. “I’m sorry, this is just all so surreal.” She looks back to Dan and then between the two of them. “You’re real people. You’re tall!”

“Yeah,” Dan smiles. “We’re real flesh and bone people, not unlike you.”

Over the past hour, Dan had been glad to find that he could be as sarcastic as he wanted with Amy and she would take it in stride. She really is an awesome person. He’s even happier when he witnesses how easily Phil starts up conversation again. Its just like hanging out with their friends at home. 

About ten minutes later, a girl with bright blonde hair bounds up to the table and tackles Amy in a hug from behind, leaning over the back of the girl’s chair, causing Amy to choke on her coffee in surprise. 

“Sam!” Amy protests.

“Sorry, couldn’t not take the opportunity.” She straightens up laughing, and waves at Dan who is looking just as startled as Amelia, and Phil who is chuckling into his hand. 

“Sorry. I’m Sam. I probably should have just walked over and introduced myself like a normal person, but opportunity was knocking.” She leans on the arm of Amy’s chair and takes the brunette’s hand, dropping shopping bags onto the floor.  
As they continue to interact, spending another hour or two in the cafe, Dan begins to feel as if he and Phil are watching their female dopplegangers, and he’s beginning to understand why people might have shipped Phil and himself for so long if their chemistry was anything like this pair, and that made him happier that was probably reasonable. When its time to part, its with reluctance, and they all exchange phone numbers and information, vowing to keep in touch. Dan has a crazy plan to maybe have them over to England to do a video brewing, but he doesn’t want to say anything just yet. Instead they all pose for a selfie which Dan posts to Instagram the minute he gets back to hotel wifi.

_Caption: Made some great new friends today with @amazingphil. Loving California rn._


	23. July 28th, 2015 - part 1

July 28th, 2015

Phil isn’t sure why he’s doing this to himself right now. They’re on the second leg of their flight back to England, and he’s not even sure what time it is in either country at the moment because his sleep patterns are so royally fucked at this point. He’s exhausted, mentally and physically, but there is no way he can sleep on this airplane, unlike his fiancé who is snoozing soundly in his wheelchair, reclined next to Phil’s seat. They had shelled out a bit extra to get seats in the very front on the way back home, where there would be space for Dan to stay in his own chair. Neither of them had been willing to risk it being lost a second time. This however, meant considerable space between them, and Phil was missing the ability to lean his head on Dan’s shoulder where he would have probably been able to doze a bit or would have at least been more comfortable. The little neck pillow provided by the airline wasn’t doing much. 

So, yeah, he’s not sure why he’s doing this to himself right now, other than maybe pure masochism and boredom, and possibly slight loneliness, as Dan is asleep and has been since boarding and taking his anxiety medication. That was about seven hours ago, and now with just a few hours to go, he’s halfway through re-watching The Fault in Our Stars, which is one of the worst ideas he’s had. He’s connecting more than ever with the characters, and having way too many unsettling thoughts.

While he knows that his and Dan’s situation is entirely different to Hazel and Gus, and that neither of them are dealing with anything as heavy as a terminal illness, he’s being transported back to the hospital where just a few months before he had been sitting in the waiting room, with Dan having just been rushed in by ambulance, and no one telling him what would happen, or if the love of his life would be alright. 

The impact of the car had been the worst thing; the look on Dan’s face something he would always remember. A close second, however, would be the sound of sheer panic in the voice of Dan’s mother when she had picked up to Phil’s phone call. Thank god they hadn’t been out of town. From there it had been a tense waiting game, full of worry and grief. The grief was the odd bit, because he hadn’t even been informed yet as to whether he should be grieving at all, but he hadn’t been given any hope, so that was the option he had been left with, and he knew that either way it went, life would never be the same as it had been, and he had been right about that. 

The film was also making him think of Dan’s every day struggles, and how he himself can’t always be as optimistic and supportive as he feels he should, but he hopes he has done an okay job of hiding when it gets too much. For months he had cried alone in the shower, or gone out on the pretense of grocery shopping just so he doesn’t dull Dan’s spirits more than they already are. When he would get angry at the difficulty of their situation, he had gotten into the habit of organizing closets and wardrobes and drawers; the noise of the activity would cover up his angry muttering. If Dan was privy to any of this he hadn’t mentioned it, and Phil was happy to leave it that way.  
The weeks after Dan hadn’t told him about his progress had been especially hard on Phil, even though they had talked it out in the end. He sometimes feels as if he’s not enough; that Dan is his own little infinity like Gus had been for Hazel, but that their little infinity will never compare to what Dan is looking for or needs or expects from life. He reminds himself however that it is the little things that Dan adores, and that he doesn’t need to fill Dan’s entire void to make him happy, and that’s the same as it has always been.

Unable to focus anymore on the tiny seat-back screen, he pulls off his headphones, and turns to watch Dan. The plane is quiet. There’s the constant hum of the engine and the overhead vents, and the rustling of a few people’s movements, but for the most part everyone is asleep in the dark cabin or consumed in their thoughts, like Phil is, so he’s free to watch Dan breathe evenly with his fringe drooping in his face. He’s got a blanket draped over his thin legs, and is cozy in his Mickey Mouse jumper, and Phil is glad that he’s sleeping soundly.   
While their trip had been good for the most part, it had also been a bit stressful, and Dan hadn’t been getting the quality of rest he had been at home. Deciding that he needs a more healthy distraction from his thoughts, he films Dan sleeping for just a moment before turning the camera to his own tired face and giving a dramatic frown, and then he pulls his laptop out from the bag at his feet and plugs his headphones in, deciding to edit their vlog of the week so that its ready to upload when they get back home to a wifi signal. 

Dan is stirred awake by the voice of the pilot as they come in for landing. 

Good morning, this is your captain speaking. The time is 23.57 GMT here in London, and right now we are experiencing light drizzle. We ask you to please remain seated until the overhead lights go off to signal that you may disembark. Thank you for flying British Airways, and have a good night. 

Phil pulls the headphones from his head again, and begins to wind up the cord to stuff them into his backpack along with his laptop. He had just about finished editing their video, which was a relief. He turns to Dan to find the younger man blinking blearily in an attempt to rouse himself, and pulling the fleece airline blanket from his legs, and rubbing at his back. 

“You okay?” Phil asks, concerned by Dan’s stiff movements.

“Yeah. Just stiff from not moving for so long.” He shrugs his shoulders and turns to look at Phil, eyeing his messy hair, and tired looking eyes under his large glasses. 

“You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” he asks, concerned. 

Phil shakes his head. There’s no use trying to lie to Dan. Once they get home he would probably crash out pretty quickly. Besides, Dan knows that he can never sleep on planes.   
“Jesus, Phil. So you’ve been up for like, twenty-some hours? What have you been doing for the past ten?”

Phil shrugs, pulling his carry-on into his lap so he can pack it up a bit better. “Watched a few films, edited our vlog…”

“You edited the whole vlog? Phil! I told you not to work on this flight.”

He looks sheepish. “I was bored! You were asleep. There was nothing to do! Besides, now we don’t have to do it at home, except the last bits, and uploading it.”

The seatbelt lights go off in the cabin, and Phil stands, hunching over to avoid the ceiling as he waits for everyone else to shuffle past them. He grabs Dan’s bag with his own, and slings them onto his shoulder, and follows Dan as he rolls himself down the passageway into the airport.

A very small grace about Dan’s disability is the expedited customs line that Phil is able to follow him through. They’ve made it past check-in ahead of all of their friends despite being the last off the plane, but they would still have to wait at baggage claim for just as long, which is done with Phil leaning heavily onto Dan’s chair to hold himself up because now that they’ve touched land he’s struggling to keep his eyes open.

Thankfully, their bags come quickly this time, and they’re back in their flat within the hour. Painfully lazy, Phil drops their bags in the hallway before heading straight to their bedroom where he collapses face first on the bed, arms and legs spread out, making Dan chuckle.

“You going to take your shoes off, at least?” Dan asks, wheeling forward to tug at Phil’s feet.

“No. Gonna let you do it.” He grins into the pillow, and Dan rolls his eyes, pulling Phil’s shoes off for him anyway. He rolls over with a huff and kicks his jeans off as well before pulling the blankets down on both sides of the bed and sitting up again.

“You need help getting changed?” Phil asks, watching Dan bend down to a rather awkward angle to force his own shoes off. 

“Nah. Go to sleep, love. Its almost 1am. I’m honestly not that tired because I slept the whole flight, so I’m going to go finish and upload our video and then I’ll join you.”

Phil nods, and makes a grabbing motion toward Dan as he rolls up to meet him and wrap him in a hug as best he can. 

“‘Night, Dan. Love you.” Phil mumbles into his shoulder, and feels Dan nod before kissing him quickly on the lips.

“Love you too, you oaf. Sleep.”

————

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More is still coming, albeit rather slowly. Thanks for sticking around! <3


	24. July 28th, 2015 - part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for how long this took to put up. I broke a couple of ribs about two weeks ago, so I haven't been able to do much of anything, and it might take just as long to get another chapter up, but please stick around, because this isn't over yet! xx

By 2am, Dan has the vlog fully edited and uploading, timed to go out at 8am. Rolling his chair away from their office computer, he makes his way back to their bedroom and undresses before hauling himself up into bed next to Phil.

Phil, who still looked absolutely exhausted, even in sleep, rolled over towards Dan’s warmth, snuggling into the younger boy’s shoulder. The unconscious gesture makes Dan smile to himself. They had grown so attuned to each other over the past six years that even the presence of the other was a comfort.

Phil, however, was not comforted just now. As Dan watched him sleep, still not tired after sleeping for the whole flight, his black haired counterpart grew restless, beginning to mutter and thrash. Dan tries to calm him by running fingers through his hair, but with his immobile legs, he isn’t able to do much else from the angle he’s laying. When that doesn’t help, he resolves to wake Phil instead, and shakes his shoulder gently.

“Phil. Hey, Phil. Babe. Wake up, love.”

He startles awake, sitting up and looking around the room as if shocked by his surroundings, calming down when his eyes fall onto Dan next to him. 

“Are you alright, Phil?” Dan asks, concern evident. 

“Yeah. Just a bad dream, I guess. What time is it?”

“Just around three,” Dan replies, holding his arms open now for Phil to lay back down onto his chest. Dan may not be able to move much, but he can still hold Phil. He waits until he’s settled against him to speak again.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really, but I guess I should, shouldn’t I?”

“You don’t have to, but you know I’m going to worry either way.” Dan kisses Phil’s forehead as he nods with a deep sigh. 

“I watched The Fault in Our Stars on the plane,” he says by way of response. “I guess that wasn’t the best idea. It got me thinking too much and too deeply, and then I couldn’t get the memories of sitting in A&E with you out of my head: you know, before you woke up, that is. That’s really not a time I want to remember or think about. They are honestly the worst few days of my life.”

Dan nods. “I know you’ve told me about it a little bit, but do you think you can walk me through how everything went? I kind of missed it all,” he jokes at the end, earning a scoff from Phil. “Maybe talking about it will help and then you won’t dream about it?”

“When, umm, when the car hit you, the driver got out and dialed police and ambulance. He was panicking, I don’t think he knew what to do, let alone what happened. He said he lost control of his car— that the steering function locked up and he couldn’t stop fast enough on the wet pavement; that he had tried to swerve to miss you but the wheel was stuck, so he coudn’t do anything but slam on the break and hit the horn. Honestly I felt bad for the guy, but you were obviously my priority. You lost consciousness almost immediately, I guess from the pain.”

Dan nods. “Yeah. I remember the horn and the screech of the breaks, and the initial pain, but then I’ve got nothing until I woke up again with you all around me.”

“The nurses at the hospital said that was probably for the best and that being awake for the pain or surgeries would have been awful for you, so its probably better that way. Anyway, the ambulance came, and they wouldn’t let me ride with you because it happened on the street and I couldn’t prove relation or whatever, so I had to find a taxi to the ER. By the time I got there they had taken you back to surgery, and that’s all they would tell me and Louise was phoning every other minute. I had no clue when you would wake up, or if, or any of what was happening, and I was freaking the hell out. I called your family, and your mum started sobbing, and all I could do was apologize. I hated it.”

“It wasn’t your fault though. Why were you apologizing to my mum?”

“I don’t know. I felt like it was my fault. I could have been walking with you instead of ahead, or I could have made us wait to cross the road. I was mostly sorry that I had to call with such shitty news. I had wanted to call them that day after we filmed with Lou to ask their blessing for proposing that night, but instead I was calling to tell them that you were in hospital, and that it might be serious.”

“What happened next?”

“I went crazy waiting. It took them over an hour to get there, and your mum had to make me sit because I had just been pacing and tearing at my own hair. It was another four hours before someone finally came out to tell us that you had made it through your first surgery and that chances for survival had gone up to about 30%. That number was so low, Dan. I was so scared. I ended up throwing up in the waiting room out of fear and the doctors had to bring me some water and saltines and a counselor to talk to, whom I just sent away. Your mom was crying, but kept trying to tell me not to worry even though she obviously was, and your Dad was trying to stay strong and positive, I think, so that your brother didn’t get too upset because they didn’t want to tell him much until we found out more information. By the time you got out of your second surgery it was nearing midnight, and thank god they said that your survival chance was now up to a high 60%. We all stayed in the waiting room until mid-morning the next day when they told us that you would definitely live, but that you were in a medical induced coma for at least two days. That was the point when I felt I could breathe again, but I still had no idea what you looked like, or that you wouldn’t be walking.”

Phil takes a shaky breath, huffing it out in a rush as tears come from retelling the tale, and Dan is back to rhythmically running fingers through his hair to comfort him. 

“It was after that that your mom made me go home and get cleaned up. I didn’t want to, but she didn’t give me a choice, and I guess she was right because I still had your blood on my clothes, and dirt all over me from holding you in the wet London street. She wanted me to get some sleep at home and come back later, but I wouldn’t, so we compromised, and I left to change, and bring you some clothes and grab a laptop and phone charger. I felt sick the whole time I was in the flat without you because I kept thinking ‘what if you never come back home with me’ you know? When I got back to A&E is when they told us about your paralysis. I couldn’t shake the idea of how much your life was going to change, and how it was all out of your hands.”

“I’m sorry, Phil. I can’t imagine the worry. I know what a wreck I would be if it were you. I’m also sorry that you had to be the one to call my parents. They love you, though. You know that? When you left for that day to move our stuff here, my mom wouldn’t shut up about it; telling me how you’re a keeper, and how lucky I am to have you. All I could really tell her is that I know. I’m so, so lucky to have you.”

Phil nods, still tearful, but feeling better. “I’m lucky to have you, too. That’s why I was such a wreck. I know how lucky I am, and if I were to lose you I’d never find anybody I’d want to be with as much. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Phil.” Dan says, and grabs Phil’s chin, pulling him up and kissing him deeply. “I know it probably sounds stupid, but I think I knew you were there when I was in hospital, and I think that helped.”


	25. August 10, 2015 part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovely people.
> 
> First off, sorry for the long gap between updates. As I said at the last chapter, I broke a few ribs and was having trouble doing much of anything. Shortly after that, I started a new full time job, and then got the worst bout of writers block ever. I had no clue where I wanted this story to go or how to continue and couldn't get writing at all -- I've had an ending in mind all along, but was at a loss for how to get from where it is now, to where it finishes. I think I've figured it out, though. Updates from here on out will be less frequent that they used to be, but more often than they have been since June. Thanks for sticking with me!
> 
> <3

It was bound to happen, Phil thinks, as he walks through the August heat back towards their apartment from his quick trip to Boots. It happens every year after a big convention; one of them will get an awful cold from being in a foreign country surrounded by unfamiliar germs, and it was always a matter of time before the other caught it. This year the Vidcon plague had started with Phil, who had sniffled and coughed for a week straight before feeling better, and inevitably that was when Dan had caught the bug, which had started off normal enough, but it had already been a little over a week, and he was starting to get worse instead of better, and Phil was worried. It had taken all day and a bribe of chocolate when he went to get more cough suppressants and throat lozenges to get him to agree to see a doctor the next day.  
As he makes it through the door, he hears Dan give another hollow sounding cough, and winces. He had been coughing so much that his throat was rubbed raw, and cough drops, lemsip, and ice cream could only help so much. His voice was absolutely shot, and his breath raspy and eyes bloodshot. Phil makes his way through the flat to their bedroom where he left Dan propped up against the pillows with Return of the King playing on the tv, and finds him half asleep and sweating through his (phil’s) old t-shirt. 

“Dan?” Phil drops the shopping bag on the bedside table and leans over the bed to feel the other’s forehead, pushing his fringe back. His skin is burning but covered in a clammy sweat. The younger man stirs slightly, and struggles to open his eyes fully to look at Phil. He goes to say something and launches into another painful coughing fit instead, waking up fully.

Phil helps him to sit up, supporting his back while he props the pillows up again before physically lifting him to scoot him back. His coughing slows to a stop after a minute and he turns to give Phil a weak smile is if to tell him not to worry and nods toward the bag on the side table.

“Did you get that chocolate you promised?” he jokes, to Phil’s annoyance. It feels like its a completely inappropriate time for jokes right now, but he says nothing, and just nods. He knows that humor is one of Dan’s coping mechanisms.

Phil pulls a packet of cough drops from the bag and begins to try and open them, and Dan is coughing again, wheezing, and trying not to double in on himself with the effort. Phil throws the packet back down and grabs Dan’s shoulder, supporting him upright again. When Dan’s coughing slows again his face goes even paler as he looks at his hands.

They’re red and sticky, covered in blood that he must have coughed up. Phil’s eyes snap to Dan’s face again, and he sees a small bit of blood at the corner of Dan’s mouth as well.

“Shit. Um, Dan, just stay sat upright, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Phil sprints across the large room into the ensuite bathroom in the corner, grabbing a wad of toilet roll and a wet flannel before running back to where Dan is still frozen, looking at his hands. The battle for Minas Tirith is blaring in the background, but all sound is a rush to Phil’s ears right now. He takes Dan’s hands, cleaning up most of the blood and mucus with the toilet roll before dabbing at the corner of his mouth, and wiping his forehead with the flannel. Dan’s face is panicked, and the elder can tell that he’s straining not to cough again.

“Alright, Dan, stay still if you can, okay? I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to go to A&E. I know you don’t want to ride in an ambulance, so I’ll call your parents to drive us instead, but you’re getting seen tonight.” He leaves no room for argument, but at this point he doesn’t think that Dan has much argument left; not when he’s literally coughing up blood.

Phil grabs the glass of water on the side table, handing it to Dan, who sips it slowly, and thankfully not coughing more from it. Setting it back down, he pulls his phone from his front pocket and scrolls until he finds Dan’s Mum’s number, and presses call, reaching out to run his hand through Dan’s sweaty hair. 

“Hi Mrs.Howell. Yeah. Um, he’s still getting worse, I think— yeah, I know I told you we’d go tomorrow, but I’m starting to think maybe we should go to A&E tonight.” Dan’s eyes meet Phil’s and Phil gives him a sympathetic look. 

“Yeah, I think his temperature is up again, and he just coughed up a bit of blood. I don’t think its a normal cold anymore. Yeah. Yeah, we’ll be ready. I’ll tell him. Thank you. See you soon.”

Phil hangs up and puts his phone on the side table. Dan is looking at him expectantly. 

“Your mom and brother will be here in an hour or two. Your dad is off on a work trip. We should get you cleaned up a little and dressed in fresh clothes. Think you can make it to the bathroom in your chair?”

Dan shakes his head, struggling not to cough again. “I don’t want to move too much.” His voice is a near whisper, and Phil isn’t sure if he’s keeping it down to reduce strain on his throat or to keep from coughing again. Probably both, he decides. 

“Okay. I’ll just get some wipes from the bathroom and we’ll get some of the sweat off of you and get you into a new shirt and some sweats. We’ll have to get you into your chair before they get here.”

Phil runs around in a whirl, trying to get Dan ready to go and comfortable, trying to locate anything they might need; chargers, wallets, etc. He’s moving so fast, and Dan can only sit still, and in the background Frodo and Sam have nearly gotten the ring to the fires of Mordor, but neither of them are paying attention. 

Dan is stuck in his head now, split between watching Phil bustle around anxiously, and trying desperately not to cough again, lest he literally eject a lung or something. Phil is moving around, frantic. He’s pulling at his hair without realizing it, pushing his fringe from his face, and Dan notices not for the first time that he looks genuinely tired: he looks absolutely and completely exhausted, and like he has aged about five years in the space of the past eight months, and once again, Dan is reflecting on how that is his fault. They had literally just spoken the other week about how much it had sucked for Phil to call Dan’s family with bad news, and here he was having to do it again. Dan could have called instead; probably should have called instead. He is still capable of mostly caring for himself, and yet he always just lets Phil do things for him. Its not fair.

When Phil makes his way over to the bedside table again to grab some stuff and throw it into his backpack, Dan catches his wrist, slowing his momentum for the first time in the last hour. 

“Phil— “ he can’t help but cough again slightly, making the elder scrunch his forehead up in concern. “Its alright. I’m sick, but I’ll be okay. You can calm down.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be strong for me, Dan.”

Dan rolls his eyes. He can’t help it. “I’m not pretending to be strong,” he wheezes. “I know that something is wrong with me, but I also know that its not the end of the world. I’m just sick. I’ll get better. That’s what doctors are for, you idiot, now calm down. Please.”

“Alright.” Phil retracts his hand from Dans and zips up his backpack, dropping it to the floor. He leans forward and kisses Dan quickly on the forehead. “Sorry.”

Before Dan can respond, the buzzer for their front door sounds, and Phil hurries from the room to greet Dan's family.


	26. August 10, 2015 part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short update.  
> Comments make my world. <3

“Dude, you look like shit.” Dan’s brother is looking over at Phil, taking in his worn appearance as he sits playing on his phone and debating what he should post to twitter about this situation, if anything.

“Oh wow. Thanks,” he says back, sarcasm biting and apparent. He’s tired. It’s been three days of sleeping in a chair in Dan’s hospital room leaning his head on Dan’s bedside because the nurse had told him off for cuddling Dan while his immune system was low. That’s not to say he couldn’t have left to go home and sleep, but its Phil, and it was Dan who was stuck in a hospital bed. Of course he was going to stay.

Dan’s cold had progressed to pneumonia by the time they went to A&E, which they learned was common in paraplegics. The muscles around the lungs aren’t given the ability to be used and strengthened as much so the lungs are more susceptible to getting lazy and gathering fluid at the onset of illness. It was definitely treatable but Dan was on strict direction to rest and was still being kept for observation. The initial threat had passed. They had done the right thing by bringing Dan in when he had started coughing blood. It turns out that it was from the lining of his throat being so raw rather than a problem with the lungs, which was fortunate, but being seen then had helped to ensure he didn’t get worse. He was just going to be exhausted and generally weak uncomfortable for a few weeks while he got better, and it would be setting his physical therapy back by a couple months, which is what Dan himself was probably the most upset about. 

“Oi, Adrian, don’t insult my man, please. That’s my job.” Dan says from the bed with his eyes closed and voice strained but an amused smile on his lips. He opens his eyes and looks at Phil. “He’s right though, you do look like shit, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. You should go home and sleep tonight.”

Phil’s frown is nearly a pout, but he knows Dan will be having none of it. He won’t have a choice but to go home and sleep now that his fiancé had made up his mind. 

“I’ll be fine, you sop. I’m literally surrounded by doctors, and my mother is here. What could go wrong?”

Phil sighs. “Yeah, you’re right. I just hate leaving you.”

“Oh my god, Phil, could you get any more sickening? Seriously, you need to go sleep.”

“Okay, okay. First though, what should I tweet to the viewers? We haven’t posted a vlog in two weeks and they’re starting to freak out and think we’re dead, and our real life friends are starting to worry too.”

“Dunno, Phil. The truth?” Dan struggles not to cough again, and Phil hands him the polystyrene cup of water from his bedside with the flimsy hospital straw, which he takes thankfully. Its odd and a little robotic by now how in sync and tapped in they are to each others needs.

“I know, but I’m not sure how to word it. And I didn’t want to tweet without telling you, either, and piss you off.”

Dan rolls his eyes, and holds his hand out for Phil’s phone. 

amazingphil: Hey guys! Just a tweet to say we’re alive! We both caught the vidcon plague and have been out of commission, but we’ll be back with new vlogs explaining next week! (insert bee emoji and sanitary mask smiley emoji)

Phil takes his phone back and reads it over, laughing before pressing tweet. Dan was scary good at crafting tweets to sound like Phil, down to the emojis he would use. 

“Thanks. So, we’ll explain everything on video next week?” he asks, wanting in to Dan’s thoughts.

“Yeah.” Dan nods slightly. “We’ll have to. This sets back the PT, and in turn the wedding plans, so we’ll have to talk about it in a vlog.”

Phil nods. He had been thinking about that a lot over the past few days, wondering how dan was taking it. Even now, he could tell Dan was masking his emotions, but it was also not the time to talk. They were both exhausted, and Dan’s brother was in the room (even if he is currently re-reading Harry Potter and not paying a bit of attention).

“I guess I’ll go get some sleep and come back in the morning?” Phil says, watching Dan’s face. “You need me to bring anything back for you?”

“Laptop?” Dan says, with a sheepish grin. “And those dark grey sweatpants with the tight ankles?”

“Got it.” He smiles and stands up, leaning over Dan to give him a peck on the forehead.

“You guys are gross,” Adrian pipes up again from the corner, and Dan snorts a laugh through his nose.

“You’re leaving me with him?” Dan asks, obviously joking.

“Yeah. Family time is good for you.” Phil responds with a grin, suddenly thinking about how he really needs to make time soon to see his own parents and brother.

“Yeah, yeah. See you tomorrow. Sleep well.” He squeezes Phil’s hand once before Phil nods, brushes his hair back, and heads out of the door.


	27. September 1, 2015

Dan’s sleep that night is restless; he’s woken every couple hours by nurses checking vitals and messing with his IV. They tell him that he can leave in a few days, and he honestly can’t wait, if only to get back to eating real food.

He’s in-between waking and asleep when he hears the door to the small room open again, and opens his eyes. His Mom is making her way toward the chair at his bedside that Phil had occupied most of the week, and she gives him a small smile before sitting down.

“Hello, love. How are you feeling?”

Dan takes stock of his body before answering. “Better than before, but still really weak. I just want to go home.”

“ I know you do. I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad lot of things this year, honey. If I could change it all for you I would.”

“I know. Thanks, mum.”

“So, I see that Phil and Adrian are getting on better…”

Dan chuckles,and then coughs, regretting it. “Yeah. I think they came to an understanding last winter. Finally. Plus I think Adrian has finally outgrown his immature twat phase. Honestly, he managed to do that a lot sooner than I ever did.”

Its his mother’s turn to laugh. “Yeah, well, he had a good influence to look up to. You know, Dan, your father and I were never upset with you over the university thing; I know it might have come off that way, but we were more upset that maybe we had failed you by not listening to what you wanted and pushing you to do something practical. I’m glad you didn’t listen. Look how well following your own path has worked out for you. Your brother has a great older brother to look up to, and I’m so glad. ”

This is not what Dan had expected his mother to want to talk about right now, and he was genuinely startled by the blunt way that his mother brought up something that his family had neglected talking about since it happened. He was trying to think of a response, when his mother continued.

“And then with Phil, I know that we didn’t approve at first: you know, a mother’s perspective of an older guy on the internet who lives hours away, mixed with the shock of you being interested in a male after having had a girlfriend for so long… but you knew what you were doing. You chose well in Phil, and we’re so excited to welcome him into the family. I’m a bit worried for him right now though; worried about both of you. You have both always tried to do everything and please everyone, and you spread yourselves too thin. I think Phil needs to take a rest before he exhausts himself.”

Dan nods. “I think you’re right, mum, about Phil needing a rest. I’ve been planning on making him take a break soon; soon as I’m out of this hospital. Maybe we’ll go up north so he can spend a few days being spoiled and fed by his family.”

Dan’s mum nods, smiling. “That sounds like a good idea. If you want I can call his mum and arrange everything? It can be a surprise for him?”

Dan grins. “Would you really?”

“Of course, Dan. Our families are about to become one, so his parents and I have been chatting much more frequently. Did Phil not tell you?”

“No, he didn’t mention…”

“Oh. Well, then again, maybe he didn’t know. Its mostly wedding talk between his mum and I. Colors and all that…”

“Mum!” Dan protests, coughing. “We don’t even have colors chosen yet! Or a venue, or anything! You guys can’t plan our wedding without us!”

“Don’t worry. We haven’t chosen anything. We’ve just placed bets on what you two will choose. Stop huffing.”

She stands, smoothing Dan’s hair down on his annoyed brow. “You go back to sleep until Phil gets back. I’ll ring his family and arrange for them to meet you both in a few days.”  
————

Two weeks later and they’re in Victoria station, with Phil huffing over being made to go on a trip he didn’t plan, because he’s always been a bit of a stubborn control freak.

Dan however is ignoring him, and continues to steer his chair through the crowd, just letting Phil rant and follow behind him. Finally, he pulls his chair up to the middle of platform 8 and stops, causing Phil to bump into the back of his chair as he continues to walk. 

“For fuck’s sake, Phil, would you stop going on for one minute? You don’t even know where we’re going yet!”

“No, Dan. You literally just got out of hospital, I really don’t think its a good time for you to be traveling, and its getting colder and you could catch pneumonia again, and there are probably so many germs in this station and—“

“Phil!” Dan catches his coat sleeve, yanking on it to pull him down to face level. “Stop. First off, its been a week since I got out, and secondly-” Unable to resist while he has his face this close, Dan leans forward, planting his lips sloppily on Phil’s before releasing him. That has caused Phil to go quiet with shock, and Dan can see with satisfaction that his ears are reddening at the tips.

“Alright, you dingus. Why don’t you just take a look at the tickets? Then maybe you can stop grumping at me.”

Dan hands Phil the envelope he had been keeping in the side pocket of his chair, and watches as Phil’s eyebrows furrow and then raise in realization. 

“Manchester? We’re going to the north?”

Dan nods, with a smirk on his face. “Yeah. Your parents are meeting us at the station, and we’re going to stay with them and relax for a week. Does that sound harmless enough for you?”

 

Phil sighs, meeting Dan’s eyes again. “Yeah. Sorry, Dan. I just—“

“Worry? Yeah, I know. That’s why we’re taking this trip. You need a break.”

Phil looks down at his shoes next to the wheel of Dan’s chair. “Thank you, Dan.”

“Don’t thank me, thank our parents,” Dan says matter-of-factly as the train pulls up.

Phil nods, finally smiling. “Still though, Dan. It is colder up there…”

“Oh my god, Phil. Would you shut up if I put on a fucking scarf or something? Jesus Christ.”

“Actually— “

“Ugh, Fine. You’re impossible!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short and sweet chapter. Comments are love. <3


	28. September 4, 2015

September 4, 2015

Dan wakes slowly, feeling rested for once, and looks around, blinking. They’re in one of the guest rooms in Phil’s parents’ new house, having gone from the Manchester station to Isle of Man. There isn’t much in the room, but its cozy with the cold northern rain beating against the window; white clean walls, a big bed with a plain grey duvet, a small book shelf and chest of drawers. This has been dubbed ‘Phil’s room’ in this new house, and as a joke Phil’s parents had tacked up the pull out posters of the two of them from Pop Sugar magazine last year on the door. 

Looking to his left, he sees Phil, still sleeping hard, lying on his stomach with his face squished into his pillow, one arm hooked around it and the other resting lazily on Dan’s stomach. Deciding to leave him to have a lie in as he’s only ever on his stomach in really deep sleep, Dan removes Phil’s arm, which the elder retracts to grip the pillow again in his sleep, and maneuvers himself to the edge of the bed using his arms to scoot, and plops himself down into his chair, which they had positioned at his bedside the night earlier, before pulling the blankets back up around Phil and wheeling his way to the kitchen where he can hear Phil’s parents up and about.

“G’morning, love. Surprised to see you up before eleven. Sleep well?” Phil’s mum looks up from her seat at the table where she’s scrolling on an iPad when he rounds the corner.

“Very well, thanks. I’m leaving Phil to have a lie in, although he’ll probably wake up soon anyway.”

“Probably. He’s never very far behind you, is he?”

Dan doesn’t have time to contemplate what she means by that because Phil’s Dad interrupts to offer Dan a coffee, which he accepts with a bit of sugar and Phil’s lactose free milk. The small talk quiets for a bit as they leave him to wake up fully with his coffee and scroll through notifications on his phone. He only perks up again when he catches the end of a conversation between Phil’s parents.

“Did you say Martyn is coming up?” he asks, surprised. 

“Sure did. Leaving to pick him up myself in about twenty minutes. Don’t tell Phil, though! Its meant to be a surprise.” Phil’s dad is grinning like a cheshire cat, and Dan is too. Phil is too stubborn and “grown up” to admit it, but he often misses his family, and Dan knows that he's always the most happy and himself when they’re all together. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t say a word,” he grins, necking the rest of his coffee. “Actually, do you mind if I make him some breakfast in bed?” He blushes a bit as he asks. “Only, with not being able to reach things very well, I’m never able to anymore unless I plan it ahead of time, and that kind of ruins the element of surprise. I tried it once, and let’s just say it ended poorly.”

Phil’s mum smiles kindly at the suggestion, calling him a sweet dear, and Dan blushes some more through listing what ingredients he’ll need so she can set them down on the counter for him before she leaves him to get ready for the day whilst he cooks.

He’s just putting a stack of American style pancakes and some eggs and bacon on plates for himself and Phil, humming Christmas carols under his breath when Phil wanders into the kitchen blinking blearily in search for the coffee pot, glasses askew and hair pushed back.

“Hello, love.” Dan says, smiling over his shoulder.  
“‘Morning. What are you up to?” Phil abandons his search for caffeine and walks to lean over Dan’s shoulder, looking at the spread in front of him. The two plates are piled high, and there is still enough on the cooktop for at least five more people with seconds.

“You did all this yourself?” Phil asks, eyebrows high. “You do realize you’re not feeding an army, right?”

“Shut up, you spoon. I’m aware. It felt nice to make something myself, is all.” He doesn’t want to give away that any time now, two more people would be arriving to make their party of four a party of six.

“It looks great, bear. Thank you. I’m actually starved,” he says leaning down to hug Dan around the middle and kiss his cheek.

“Yeah, I bet all that sleeping and Pokemon playing you did yesterday really worked you up an appetite,” he jokes, turning his head to capture Phil’s lips instead, and Phil instantly deepens the connection. 

And of course, it is then that Martyn decides to arrive, with Cornelia and Phil’s dad close behind. Dan tries to pull away from the kiss to lessen the possibility for PDA related embarrassment, but Phil doesn’t take the hint, instead leaning closer.

“Oi, Phil. Didn’t anyone tell you that its not nice to put an innocent man off his appetite like that right before breakfast?”

Phil jumps away, surprised, eyes widening when he sees his older brother, and looks torn between breaking into a grin, or frowning at Martyn’s remark as his ears redden comically. He hears dan snigger next to him as he turns his chair around and faces the group, reaching up to take Phil’s hand.

“Hi,” Dan says, a bit red himself, and giving his signature salute, breaking the slight awkwardness. The pair of them have never been very open to displays of affection, even around family, so that sight was new for everyone. 

Martyn breaks away from mocking his brother, and shifts his gaze to Dan, giving a genuine smile, and Dan is glad that there’s none of the usual wheelchair judgment awkwardness that he usually gets when he sees someone again for the first time. Martyn doesn’t seem at all unsure of how to approach him, and to Dan’s relief, he only walks forward to embrace both Dan and Phil as normal hugging them both in turn and giving Dan a clap on the shoulder that shakes him a bit.  
Thinking back, Dan tried to pinpoint when the Lester clan had last been all together, and he figures that it must have been sometime in mid 2014, and even longer since Dan had been there with them. He had been invited along for family holidays since about 2011, but always declined. Going along would have felt like an invasion no matter how much Phil would swear it wasn’t, and there had also been the matter of their fanbase. If anyone spotted them together on what was obviously a family holiday, their cover would have basically been blown. Even later on when that cover began to matter less, he had still declined. He wasn’t a part of the family no matter how much they tried to assure him otherwise, and it all felt a bit uncomfortable. Plus there was the fact that Dan’s family had never extended the invite to Phil, so that felt a bit unfair. Now though, they would be married soon. Dan would actually be a Lester. Suddenly he realized that this truly is his family as well, and as he looks around the table at Phil and Martyn and their parents, and even Phil’s brother’s girlfriend, who had been around for as long as Dan has known Phil, it hits him that he has such fondness for everyone at the table that he’s not quite sure what to do with himself. He’s grinning into his OJ, and Phil shoots him a questioning glance that he shrugs off. He’ll talk to Phil later. Today is for enjoying time with his new family.


	29. Chapter 29

Its after two more days and a talk with Martyn that Dan makes the decision more firmly. They had tentatively set the date for the wedding for New Years Eve, but that had been before Dan’s bout of pneumonia had set back his progress on learning to walk again. Now there was no more time frame, because the doctors didn’t want Dan exhausting himself, and Dan was discouraged. He had really been looking forward to truly walking down the aisle. 

A talk with Martyn however began to change his mind. Martyn had asked Dan how he was doing with everything, and then how he was really doing after he had courteously listened to Dan’s automatic answer of ‘fine, all things considered.’ He had told Dan about why he had thought forwarding Amelia’s e-mail months earlier had been something he thought he should do, and Dan thanked him for that. It really had helped, and they had made a new friend because of it. And then he had told Dan something that he really hadn’t thought much about; the fact that Martyn has never, in Phil’s entire life, seen him as happy as he has been since he met Dan, and then he was thanking Dan for that.  
He was telling him about how much Dan obviously meant to Phil, as he had never really had serious relationships or brought friends around the family much and acted himself, and that it was nice to see. He also told Dan a little bit of how bad it had gotten for a while after Phil’s best friend in University had died. Dan knew about that, of course he did. Phil never really wanted to talk about it though, and Dan never wanted to just bring it up. It was blatantly obvious that it was still a sore subject for Phil to talk about. Dan had never realized however, just how depressed Phil had gotten after that happened, and when he moved home after Uni. Phil in that time period was the Phil that Dan first met and fell in love with, but he had never realized at the time just how much they were helping each other. He always remembers that time as the time that Phil saved him from his immature late teenage depressive thoughts and cynicism, but they had really been helping each other without knowing.

This revelation, along with Martyn’s words of encouragement led to Dan finally making the decision to commit to that Date, and now here he was, out with Phil in a nice Thai restaurant in Manchester before they have to catch the train home, and Phil can tell that Dan has had something on his mind. 

“You’ve been quiet the past few days,” Phil remarks over his drunken noodles. 

Dan nods, slurping a noodle off of his chopsticks. “Yeah. Just had a lot to think about.”

“Like what?” Phil tilts his head to the side, eyebrows coming together slightly in questioning. 

“Just… being around your family was nice. It felt…different, this time. Like I was actually a part of the family rather than on the outside looking in.”

Phil looks confused still. “You are a part of the family, Dan. You have been for a while.”

“I know,” he sighs. “But still, your family has always been a lot closer than mine, until recently, and just being around everyone, it felt so normal this time. I felt at home rather than as a guest. That was nice.”

Phil smiles wide. “I’m glad. My family really does like you, Dan. They always have. I’ve even heard mum refer to us as ‘her sons,’ rather than ‘her son, and his friend’ if that makes any difference.”

Dan grins. “It does. That’s really nice to hear. Anyway, what I’ve been thinking about… I guess with how stubborn I’ve been being about the wedding and setting a date; that’s not really fair to you. Just because things aren’t going my way right now doesn’t mean we should push it back.”

“Dan, don’t worry about me. We’re going to get married regardless. If you want to wait its fine—”

“No, Phil, its not fine!” Dan’s voice was rising slightly, and noticing, he pauses, sheepish, looking down into his dinner. “I just— you’ve waited for me, for so long. First to admit to myself that I was bi and truly did have feelings for you, and then to not be afraid to act on those feelings with you, and then to want to commit to just you, and then to be brave enough to face coming out, and now… you’ve been so patient, and I don’t want to wait anymore, Phil. So, let’s get married. December 31st, let’s get married.”

“And you’re sure you actually want to, and you’re not just trying to make me happy?” Phil asks.

“I’m sure, Phil. This is what I want, too. I promise.”

Phil grins then, and stands up. There’s a slight awkward beat as he realizes Dan can’t stand to meet him in a hug, but then he’s on Dan’s side of the table wrapping him in a tight hug and planting a sloppy giggly kiss to his neck while people look on in questioning, but now Dan is grinning too as Phil goes to sit again.

“We’re getting married, Dan. In three months, we’re getting married for real.”

“Yeah. IRL.” Dan grins. “Shit. Three months is really soon.”


	30. November 30th, 2015

Dan is stressed to say the least, and Phil is no help at all because he’s currently not home. 

Its the end of November, and Dan is in the throws of wedding planning, and he’s overwhelmed with the sheer amount of choices to make: flowers, venue confirmations, hotel reservations, guest lists, seating charts… there are so many logistics that he doesn’t know where to begin, and if he calls his mother or Louise again, he thinks they’ll probably strangle him through the phone. 

Phil is off at the BBC filming for a red carpet event that Dan didn’t feel up to, and Dan felt guilty about that as well. It was the first time that Phil had done a big high profile event without Dan, and he knew that the elder was extremely nervous about it, even if Jim Chapman was going to be there. Dan knew that Phil would have no problem though, so Dan had chosen to focus on their wedding plans rather than to sit and be nervous for Phil. 

He’s scrolling through even more flower sites when his phone rings in the pocket of his wheelchair. 

Incoming Call: Amelia

That’s odd, Dan thinks. He and Amy text a few times a week, but she’s never called before. He looks at the clock- 10:30am. That would make it… 5:30am on the east coast of America. Puzzled, he picks up. 

“Hello?” He answers, still scrolling on his laptop half-heartedly. 

“Dan?” Her voice sounds small, and it makes him sit up straighter.

“Amy? Are you okay?”

There’s a pause; the space of two seconds, and he hears a slow inhale of breath. 

“I— I’m sorry for calling, I just… I don’t know what to do, I…”

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Sam is gone. She left. She— she said she couldn’t deal with it all anymore, that she couldn’t spend the rest of her life taking care of me and she left. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know why I called, I’m sorry, I’ll let you go.”

“Amy, wait. Don’t hang up, okay? Start from the beginning. What happened? You both seemed so happy in California.”

“I don’t know!” She’s crying hard now. “I was home all day, working on a freelance job, and she came home from work and started saying all these things, and then she left. She already had a suitcase packed and everything. I just… I knew I wouldn’t be good enough. She’s gone, and now there’s so much that I can’t do, and I guess she was taking care of me more than I realized and now I don’t know how to live. I’m useless, and I… I love her, Dan! Even though she did this, I still love her!”

“Amy, first off, you’re not useless. You are no more useless than I am, alright? You’re fine, and you’ll do fine on your own. It’ll just take some time to get used to it. And have you tried contacting Sam? Talking to her?”

“She won’t answer my messages, and she disconnected her phone number. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost right now, and I’ll have to go back to living at home, and I hated that so much. I thought she really loved, me Dan. She was always telling me that I was her ‘one,’ and now I don’t know what to believe about anything. I feel like our whole relationship was a lie.”

Dan sighs loudly. He can sympathize. These are worries that he’s had over Phil in the past; that he wouldn’t be enough, that Phil would get tired of taking care of him and leave, and he’d have nothing to do and nowhere to go but home. He can really understand where she’s coming from. And he knows its a rash decision, and that he should really ask Phil first, but he finds himself speaking anyway. 

“Why don’t you come here for a while? To London. You can stay with us,” he volunteers. 

“I—i can’t,” he hears her say on the other end of the line. “I don’t have the funds right now. God, I don’t even know where I’m gonna live now. I can’t meet rent where I am without her.”

“You can,” he counters. “I’ll book you a ticket. It’s really no problem. You can stay for as long as you need, okay? Really.”

“I can’t accept a plane ticket to England, Dan! Do you know how expensive that is?”

Dan chuckles. “You can accept it. I have frequent flier miles, and a voucher for a free round trip right now, so really, its nothing. If you really need to justify it to yourself, call it a Christmas gift. That is, if you want to come?” He doesn’t want to say that money really isn’t a problem for him and Phil. They live modestly compared to their income, but really, they could afford to do anything they want. 

Its quiet for a minute, and he can tell that she’s really considering it now. 

“When?” she asks, timidly. 

“Tomorrow too soon?”

————

When Phil gets home he’s tired; drained physically and mentally, but he's happy with how the day went, and the smile on his face shows it, so Dan isn’t at all worried about Phil being mad when he lifts himself onto the couch next to his fiancé, and cuddles up to him, saying “so, I may have made a pretty big decision without asking you, today. I’m sorry…”

Phil looks down at him, eyebrows peaking in curiosity. “What? Did you decide on flowers finally?”

“No,” Dan replies,”Although I meant to today. I kind of invited Amy to come stay for the next month or more… and payed for the ticket.”

“Oh?” Phil asks, turning to face Dan more directly. He really doesn’t mind at all, but he is curious as to why. 

“Yeah,” Dan says, messing with his hair. “She called this morning pretty upset. Sam left her.”

“Oh no!” Phil exclaims, frowning now, his hand going instinctively to Dan’s. “Why?”

“She didn’t want to ‘take care of Amy’ anymore. Amy said it was really sudden, and I don’t think she’s really processed it fully yet. But now she’s heartbroken, and alone, and can’t meet rent on her own, and really doesn’t want to move home, and so I offered for her to come here for a while. I think it would help her to get some physical distance, and sort things out on her own away from home, and our house is already wheelchair ready. Plus I was gonna fly her over for the wedding anyway...”

“You’re amazing, Dan. You know that?” Phil says, looking at the younger man lovingly. “I’m so glad I have such a selfless, caring man in my life.”

“I’m not being selfless, Phil. I just— you would have done the same thing. I’m just trying to be a good friend, because I think she could really use some friends right now.”

“I think you’re right. I'm excited to see her.” Phil says. “When’s she coming?”

“That’s the thing I feel like you’ll be mad about… She’s coming tomorrow.” He looks up at Phil sheepishly through his fringe. 

“Tomorrow… Well, I guess we’d better tidy the guest room.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a few more chapters left! Hoping to (appropriately) end this fic on New Years Day, which is when I started writing it a year ago. Thank you, everyone, for all of the support and encouragement. I really love writing, and although its just a hobby, I'm glad that its not going unread.


	31. December 1, 2015

December 1, 2015

Dan and Phil are good hosts; great even. They’ve always prepared thoughtfully for all of their guests, and Amy was no different. The guest bed was made, and towels laid out thanks to Phil, bathroom cleaned, lounge tidied thanks to Dan. They had refilled their bathroom “girl box,” full of things they thought might be nice for her to have, like sanitary items just in case, an extra toothbrush and toothpaste, hair brush, hair grips and ties, and some nice smelly lotion and a few bath bombs. It had always been a hit with Cat and Louise, so they figured it was a decent enough gesture. 

They had no idea what kind of food she likes, so they figured that they could all just go for a waitrose run sometime during the first week. They got a copy of their key made, so she could come and go as she wanted in case Dan and Phil had to a meeting or the radio or go to Dan’s appointments or anything. Now, they were at the arrivals gate in Heathrow, waiting for Amy to come around the corner with all of the other passengers. Her flight had landed about half an hour ago, so she should be coming through customs any time now. And Dan is feeling unnecessarily anxious. 

At this point its getting a little ridiculous, to be honest. Its just a good friend coming for a few week visit. He’s worried, however, that maybe he pressured her into coming too soon after her breakup. Maybe he had been insensitive. He hadn’t really given her an option, and she had been so upset on the phone. Really, he would have been inconsolable in her place. However, with Phil assuring him that he had done the right thing in asking her to come, and grabbing Dan’s hands in order to try and stop his fidgeting, he realizes that in all of the excitement of getting the house ready, he forgot to take his daily anxiety medication, as well as his blood pressure and thinning meds, and steroids.

“Oh, fuck.” The realization slips from his lips, and Phil is looking down at him worriedly. “I forgot to take my meds this morning.”

The older man’s eyes widen. “What, all of them?”

“Yeah.”

“Dan! Do you know how dangerous that could be? If you get a blood clot or something it could— “

“Yeah, Phil. I’m aware. Look, don’t yell at me about it, okay? It was an accident.”

Phil’s face softens. “I know, its just, if something happens…”

— “Everything okay?” There’s a new voice at their side, and the look to the left, realizing that while they were bickering Amelia had arrived. 

“Yeah, fine!” Dan says a little too quickly, sending a warning glance to Phil, who closes his mouth again despite his stubborn streak. “Glad you made it!” he says, leaning forward to hug her as best he can with both of their chairs in the way. “How was the flight?”

“The flight was good. I’ve never flown first class before. You really didn’t have to do that.”

“We thought it would be nice if you weren’t crowded,” Phil offers. “Especially after the last time me and Dan flew anywhere.”

Amy frowns. “Well, thanks again.”

“That’s okay,” they say at the same time, and then glance at each other in amusement. “Anyway,” Dan offers, “Why don’t we get out of the airport? We were going to go out for dinner when you got here, but Phil and I just realized we left something kind of important at home, so we’ll have to go there first if that’s okay.” 

Dan isn’t sure why he doesn’t just tell her the truth, because surely she’s on the same kinds of medications and understands how important they are, but nonetheless at this, Phil seems to physically calm down a bit more. The less time Dan goes without his medication, the better, if only for his fiancé’s peace of mind. 

By the time they make it home via the tube (They had no clue how to go about calling an Uber or taxi that would accommodate two wheelchairs), they were all far too tired to go out again. Amy was jet-lagged, Dan was still feeling far more anxious and twitchy than normal, and Phil was beginning to get a bit ‘hangry,’ and so they decided to just stay in, and have a London adventure the next day. 

After a while, Dan had taken his pills, Amy had been given the grand tour of the flat and was having a quick bath to get rid of the gross airplane feeling, and Phil was waiting in the lounge on his laptop with a pizza order on the way and a selection of DVDs at the ready. When Dan rolled into the room and parked his chair next to the sofa where Phil was sitting, he grabbed the older man’s hand from off the keyboard.

“I’m sorry I worried you, Phil. I should have taken them this morning. I honestly just forgot,” he says, referring to the medication incident.

Phil squeezes his hand, smiling sadly. “Its okay. Don’t apologize. I should have thought to remind you. Its just such routine now that I didn’t think of it.”

Dan frowns. “Its not your job to remind me. I should be able to take care of myself.”

“You do take care of yourself, Dan. Remarkably well. But it’s still my job to help. I am about to be your husband, after all.”

Dan can’t help but smile at the thought of Phil as his husband, but he’s still bothered by the whole ordeal. “I just— I don’t want you to feel like its your job to look after me, you know? I know I mess up sometimes, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck taking care of a cripple.”

Phil’s face drops. “Is that what this is all about, Dan? Is that why you've been so anxious all day? I know you forgot your meds, but I knew something had to have been triggering your anxiety as well. Oh, babe. Come here.”

He pulls Dan’s chair toward him by the wheels, and opens his arms, helping the younger man as he climbs out of the chair and sideways onto the sofa so that his legs are resting over Phil’s lap, and Phil is able to wrap an arm around his waist.

“Why didn’t you tell me that this whole Sam thing was bothering you?” He asks, watching Dan’s brown eyes shift down to his lap.

“I don’t know. I just… didn’t want you to think I was doubting you or anything, like, I know you wouldn’t leave me like that. I’m pretty positive of that, but sometimes I wonder if you’re still happy with the way things have turned out.”

Phil sighs. “Dan, I won’t lie, it is hard sometimes. I worry. But it has gotten easier, and I think it will keep on getting easier from here on out. I know you’re still bummed out over your progress being set back as well, but bear, you’ve come so far. We’ve come so far. I am absolutely happy with the way things have turned out. I’m not stuck taking care of a cripple. I’m choosing to spend my life with a wonderful, smart, witty, gorgeous nerd who happens to be partially paralyzed, and in the grand scheme of things, it couldn’t matter to me less whether you’re standing or sitting, walking or not, as long as you’re still breathing.”

“Phil.” Dan can’t help it. He’s tearing up. He hadn’t known how much he needed to hear all that, even if Phil had been saying the same thing over and over in different ways for months now. It had been an unnecessarily trying day, and it was all catching up. 

Dan doesn’t need to say more than his name. Phil understands Dan’s silent thank you for the kind words. He understands the implied sentiments Dan wants to convey. Kissing Dan once, he smiles and goes back to his youtube browser, while Dan closes his eyes and rests against Phil’s shoulder.

A few minutes later when Amy wheels into he room to join them, and informs them of how “fucking cute” they are, Dan doesn’t even bother to hid his blush.

“Pizza should be here anytime,” Phil says, stretching, and adds “I’m glad you decided to come,” to which Dan nods agreement.

Amy picks at the leather on her chair’s armrest. “I wasn’t so sure about coming, you know. Its only been a few days, and I thought maybe leaving the country would be a bit drastic, and maybe she would come back, and I wouldn’t be there, but then on the flight I realized that this is probably the best choice I could have made. I still love her, and it hurts like hell, but getting on that plane, I realized that its the first time in two years that I have made a decision on my own, and done something only for myself, and it was kind of liberating. I’m glad I came. Thank you both so much. I think you were right, Dan, and that distance will help.”

“If Dan and I get too obnoxiously romantic for you while you’re here, just tell us and we’ll tone it down,” Phil says, part joking and part serious. “We don’t want to be that gross annoying couple.”

This gets Amy to laugh. “Are you serious? Watching you two together is like watching every fangirl fantasy come to life. You do have to remember that I’ve been watching you guys online for years, speculating with all the rest of them over your status. Plus you’re getting married, in what, a month?”

Dan feigns a wary look from Amy to Phil. “Oh god. Phil. We’ve let the fans infiltrate our household. And don’t remind me! There’s so much to do!”

They’re all still giggling when the doorbell goes off signaling the arrival of dinner, and Phil lifts Dan’s legs, climbing out from under him to go and get it. 

“That’s one good thing since the injury,” Dan jokes. “Phil has to get the door now unless I’m already in my chair and can’t pretend to be asleep. Seriously though, Amy, if you need anything while you’re here, or just to talk whenever, we’re here.”

She smiles, her damp red-brown hair falling over her eyes. “Honestly, in terms of stages of grief, I think I’m still in denial, but i’ll try not to fall completely apart. Plus distraction is always good, and you seem like you could use some help with wedding plans.”

“I could definitely use all the help I can get,” Dan says. Maybe this really would work out great for everyone.


	32. Chapter 32

December 24, 2015

The wedding is a week away. Tomorrow is Christmas, and Dan and Phil don’t think they would have ever gotten everything done in time for either occasion if it hadn’t been for Amelia, who has turned out to be a living, breathing lifesaver. At this point, Dan is considering hiring her to be their personal assistant, especially since they just signed a book deal for the next year, and Phil is on board with the idea as well.

Within the first week she was there she managed to help them pin down a perfect location for both the wedding ceremony and the reception; the first on a rooftop terrace at sunset overlooking the Thames and the London Eye, and the second in a fancy modern hotel, bar and restaurant with such a cool eclectic vibe. 

Invitations had been filmed and sent off by e-mail. They had chosen to do their invitations in video form because that was how their relationship had started, and having a third person there to focus cameras and fix lighting had been really helpful. 

Colors were chosen, flowers finalized, playlists made, seating arrangements done. Amy spent a lot of time fielding calls and e-mails of people rsvp-ing, and helped to set up a prizeo campaign as well. Because they didn’t need anything home related or want any gifts, they had requested in their video invitations that in lieu of wedding gifts that people donate to a fundraising campaign they had set up; half would be going to an lgbtq youth help foundation in the UK, and the other half to a foundation in London to help with the needs of paraplegics and quadriplegics who can’t afford proper medical care. Whatever donations they got, they had agreed to match to contribute to the good causes. 

With all of the logistics done, Dan, Phil, and Amelia are on their way to Dan’s family home to celebrate the holiday. Because of the wheelchairs, and the wedding being just a week away, instead of going their separate ways for family christmas as usual, or taking two trips, Dan’s family had invited the Lesters down to join their festivities. Phil’s family would be staying in a local hotel for the next three days because there aren’t enough beds to go around, spending most of their time at the Howell’s house, before everyone relocates to London into the hotel where they would be getting ready and the reception would be held.

In order to get to the Howells, they had rented a very large van, and now as they climb or are lowered out, they are struck with the warm festive glow of the workingham house. The door is thrown open as Dan’s brother comes out to greet them, Colin barking at his heels and running straight to Amy to determine whether she’s a guest or an intruder. He must decide that she’s harmless because he’s off again in a moment, back inside to find a spot to nap on the floor. 

As they make their way inside they’re greeted with proclamations of “happy christmas eve!” and hugs all around. The Lesters have already arrived; Phil’s parents are greeting them along with Dan’s and Martyn and Cornelia are seated by the hearth where they had apparently been playing a movie trivia game with Dan’s brother, whom neither of the two men had yet grown accustomed to being so nice.

Dan watches on in amusement as Dan’s mother gets to know Amelia, likely asking her over and over whether she’s hungry or would like a drink. 

Phil, of course, makes his way first to the dog, plopping himself down to pet Colin and let the animal crawl into his lap. Dan is happy to hang back for the moment and survey the happy scene around him. Its odd, to think on how a year ago this would have seemed a dream; a near impossibility. His and Phil’s lives had been so removed from his family life, and the idea of both of their families together for the holidays had seemed preposterous. He had always assumed that someday he would get to spend an actual christmas day with Phil, but that it wouldn’t be happening for a long time to come, likely after a few more years of dating followed by marriage. Granted it had taken a near disaster, and a lot of pain, heartbreak, and work to get to this point, but they were here. And he was still here. And Phil was here with him, and he had his friends and family and literally nothing could be better, and in order to avoid having a sentimental cry right now he wheels himself forward until he’s sat behind Phil, and leans down best he can to put his hands on Phil’s shoulders and kiss him on the forehead when he leans back to look at Dan, letting the older man stand and perch himself onto Dan's lap. 

The evening is merry and the morning merrier. Dan and Phil give each other the promise of getting a puppy after their honeymoon is over and laugh over how they had the same idea, if different ideas about which breed. Amelia gets a job offer from Dan and Phil that she is absolutely ecstatic about. The afternoon however brings some new tears as Sam picks it as the ideal time to finally get in touch with her. She’s full of apologies and proclamations of love, and Amy is torn. She’s still hurt and angry and disappointed despite her feelings, and opts to tell her that she had to think on it and would talk to her when she went home after the new year. If she was going to come to England to live and work she would have to go home first to sort out all of her stuff, and visas and whatnot so she would rather deal with everything then, rather than put a damper on a holiday and a wedding. It seemed that now she had a choice between two lives. She still had feelings for Sam, but had become really close with the boys since arriving, had just been given the opportunity of a lifetime to launch an amazing career in PR, and had also made other wonderful friendships with people like Louise and Hazel Hayes and Jack Howard and PJ. 

Six more days would pass in a flash, however. Soon, it would be time for the ceremony which Phil feels as if he’s been waiting for for an eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter for this one; the final chapter will likely be quite long, and followed by a prologue later and random one-shots of this version of Dan and Phil and their friends from time to time when they seem appropriate, and possibly another related series in the future (but no promises). While I had been hoping to post it all by tomorrow, that doesn't look like it will be happening; but I'm planning to finish the story in early January. 
> 
> Also, if you are interested at all in finding me on tumblr, where I post this story and others, you can find me at the username Al-0-homora.
> 
> Thanks again for all of the support on this fic. It will be the first one that I am ACTUALLY finishing, and its all thanks to you all sticking around.


	33. December 31, 2015 part 1

Phil is disoriented when he wakes up to loud knocking on his door, and drags himself out of bed. Its a fluffy white bed, standard for this type of hotel with its plush mattress and down pillows and duvet that he wants to bury himself in forever, but the insistent pounding (both on the door and in his head) is soon joined by shouting outside of his door, which he opens to find an amused looking older brother. Thankfully that older brother has come bearing coffee and paracetemol. 

“You look awful. Did you get any sleep at all?” Martyn asks, as he enters the room, setting the tray of coffee on the TV stand and plopping down on the bed Phil had just vacated. 

“About three hours, maybe” Phil replies, going straight for the steaming hot liquid. “Its your fault, you know. You and PJ. I wanted to have a nice calm, quiet night in to get my thoughts together, but no—“

“Oi. We both know it wouldn’t have been quiet or calm. You would have been up and pacing around, trying to tidy an already clean hotel room as you worried about whether everything was taken care of for today, or whether your noble ass were doing the right thing, and whether Dan would actually show up, and worrying about how worried Dan must be. You should be thanking us for getting you out, and also for not dragging you to a strip club or somewhere else you would hate. For the record, Dan told me to take you to a strip club and film it so he could see your embarrassment, but be glad of the existence of video arcades that sell alcohol. I don’t think you wold have survived the night otherwise.”

Phil nods. Martyn is right. As much as he would have told everyone he had had a quiet last night of bachelordom, he would have been a wreck if only for the simple reason that after seven years with only a few weeks apart, he never slept very well without Dan by his side, and at the moment Dan was sequestered somewhere on the other side of the hotel, and they had both been watched closely so that they wouldn’t sneak a visit with the other. Even their phones had been taken away until after the ceremony, which was enough hell for Phil. He didn’t even have apps to distract himself with. 

“Time is it?” Phil asks, pulling his yellow hoodie on over the purple shirt he had slept in, even though it clashed hideously with his star wars pj pants. 

“A bit after 10,” Martyn replies. “You actually got a bit of a lie-in compared to Dan.”

“Not much of a lie-in if you don’t fall asleep until 7,” Phil grumbles.

“That’s not my fault. We had you back here by 3, so you could have had a solid eight hours if you weren’t such an idiot romantic.”

“Thanks. I’ll remind you you said that when you finally marry Cornelia. How long has Dan been up? And why? The ceremony isn’t until five.”

“Dunno if I ought to tell you,” Martyn muses, just to watch Phil fidget and glower. 

“Why? Is he okay? Is—“

“Relax, Phil! He’s fine. A bit hungover, but fine. It just turns out that even the bathrooms in the handicap rooms here aren’t as well equipped as your bathroom at home, and so getting him bathed and ready is going to be a bit of a chore. He doesn’t have a chair that will fit in the shower, and the tub is so tall that someone has to lift him into it, and also he’s got a bit of a problem with being modest, so…”

Phil is torn between laughter and sympathy as he tries to picture the scene. “He’s not modest, he just—“

“Doesn’t want his junk to be seen by anyone but you? I’d say that’s modesty, Phil. Anyway, PJ and Louise finally managed to get him in the tub, and will likely have to get him out. Dunno how much of his dignity will be intact. Louise was absolutely living for it though. Would not stop laughing. Don’t be surprised if the story doesn’t end up on youtube.”

Phil does laugh now. He can just picture Louise and Dan doing another List of Awkward Moments video. He kind of hopes she had vlogged some of it. They had said in their invite videos that the wouldn’t mind vlogging before and after the ceremony, but that they didn’t want anything posted until after they returned from their honeymoon and posted their own video about the day. They wanted no filming or phones allowed during the actual ceremony however. It would be professionally recorded and photographed for their own files, but would never be put online, and no photos of the ceremony would go up unless put up by the two of them themselves. 

“So yeah. Dan was up earlier because we think it’ll take him a bit longer to get ready. You need to be getting dressed around three, but in the mean time you’ve still got relatives to go greet and vows to write and you’ve got to go make sure the honeymoon suite for tonight is how you want it, and check in on the decorators.”

“Aren’t the decorators Mum and Mrs.Howell’s job at this point?” he asks, feeling somewhat petulant. “And I’m going to see all our relatives at the ceremony and reception anyway,” he complains. He really doesn’t feel like dealing with logistics today though. He just wants to focus on the fact that in about six hours he will be marrying the man he had dreamt of marrying for nearly a decade now. 

“If you want.” Martyn nods, and pulls out his phone, probably to text his mum. “You still ought to go down to the lobby and get some food though,” Martyn suggests. It’d be faster than room service with everyone staying here, and I think some of your friends are starting to arrive and check in.”

“You’re sure Dan won’t be down at all?”

“Yeah, Louise and his family have him pretty trapped in his room until ceremony time.”

————————

At this point in the morning, Dan is beyond caring about his personal embarrassment and body shame, and further onto fretting about the fact that he would be going down the aisle; wheeling down the aisle in just a few hours. As he sits soaking in this bath he has never been more thankful for Louise Pentland, or the inventions of bath bombs and Mimosas respectfully.

To get him in here, he had made PJ take his lower half, and Louise his arms while he attempted to cover himself with a hand towel while feeling completely lame and pathetic, but Louise had had the foresight to drop something in the tub to turn it a dark enough blue to obscure everything, and had handed him a mimosa with enough champagne to help his aching head before carrying in a tray with room service breakfast, a latte, and paper, so he could begin writing the vows he had put off for far too long, and left him for about an hour.

The entire process just seemed too daunting. Writing for a video was hard enough, but writing this; he couldn’t. Everything had to be perfect if it was in writing, so he began to just make a list instead, of all things phil and what phil had done for him and meant to him. He would go into the ceremony with a bare-bones skeleton, and would waffle out vows somehow, surely.

When a knock sounds on the door again, and PJ and Louise poke their head around the corner, I heave a sigh and put the pad of paper down on the tray. 

“This isn’t going to get any less horrific, so I may as well just let you guys haul me out,” he says, sitting up all the way and using his upper body strength to pull himself out of the water so he’s sitting on the ledge with his back to them and legs still in the tub. Louise walks forward and wraps a towel around his shoulders, looking away as she hooks her arms under his and hauls him upward as PJ grabs him under the knees, and while its still awkward, everything is a little less of a dramatic production this time. Perhaps they can feel the seriousness of Dan’s mood and nerves now.

He’s in his chair, sitting on towels with more draped over him, and he finally looks up to the two of them. 

“This is the right thing, right?” He asks. “I—I’m not trapping him into a life of taking care of me just because its comfortable now?”

Louise shakes her head, but its PJ who speaks first. “Dan, i’ve known Phil now for about three years longer than you, and if I’m being totally honest, it was only once he met you that he really started becoming himself. You two belong together, and nothing is more right right now than the two of you getting married. You’re not trapping him. If you weren’t in his life, and he weren’t in yours I think you’d both be miserable, so yes. You’re doing the right thing.”

“Okay.” Dan nods. He finds that he can’t argue with that, and its really all the reassuring he needs. 

“Okay.” Louise says, trying to break the tense air as they go out into the larger room. “At the very least, you’re not walking down an aisle, so you can’t very well trip like I did,” she quips, and suddenly Dan is rather grateful for his chair, and more grateful that Phil will already be standing at the end, and not have to walk anywhere himself because he is by far the more clumsy one.

Dan’s brother is there, lounging on the bed and playing on his DS, and gives him an unenthusiastic wave. Wirrow and Bryony are in the corner eating breakfast and Bryony is painting her nails a bright silver. A knock on the door after Dan has struggled into his tux pants and a t-shirt brings the arrival of Cat, and a few minutes later, Zoe and Tyler, and suddenly Dan is a bit overwhelmed by the excitement of the whole thing, and the happiness that is coming from being surrounded by his friends. Three more hours, and he’d be marrying Phil.  
————  
As much as Phil hadn’t wanted to leave his room until he had to, he’s glad that he’s pulled on some jeans and come downstairs. Everyone is starting to arrive, bubbling with excitement and happiness, and he finds that everyone else’s excitement is actually calming him down. 

Zoe comes to hug him tightly when she arrives with Alfie as her guest, before checking in and going to find Louise with Dan. He’s extra glad when Cat shows up, lugging a suitcase straight from the airport, as he hadn’t seen her since vidcon, and she promises to head to his room after she finds the other grooms maids who have her dress. He’s so happy to see so many of these people, all happy to see him as well; his grandparents, Dan’s grandparents, Cornelia, Felix and Marzia, and Hazel, Jack, and Dean. Aled, and some others from the BBC. Joe Sugg, and Jim and Tanya, Hannah, and Ingrid, and Tyler, and Connor and Troye and just so many people that he loves and admires, and they’re all here to support him and Dan. 

Finally at About three thirty he’s back in his room, getting suited up, surrounded by the groomsmen and grooms maids that will be standing on his side; PJ and Martyn sharing the role of best man, Wirrow, Cat, and Ian. On Dan’s side would be Louise as Matron of Honor, Amelia, Adrian, and Bryony. 

All of the girls had on silver dresses, each cut differently, but of the same fabric. The men, had on Black tuxes, with white shirts, and ties to match the dresses, but some with jackets, some with just vests, PJ with a bow tie and suspenders. It was all very elegant.

Phil, freshly shaven, hair perfect, and nerves buzzing, is finally heading out to the rooftop for the ceremony in a navy and black tux, black shirt, and silver bow tie, shoes shining, and heart pounding. He double and triple checks to be sure that Martyn has the ring. 

———  
Dan, who feels like a complete mess, looks fantastic. He’s in a black tux, and white shirt combo. He’s wearing his spiked Louboutins for the occasion, his hair is perfect, and his tie is a black satin with an intricate McQueen design on it in silver, that he thinks goes perfectly with the shoes. Everyone around him looks amazing as well, and any minute, as he waits behind a pillar out of site from the gathering crowd and Phil at the ‘altar’ he’ll hear the opening chords of the classical version of Muse's 'Unintended' that they had chosen as their entry song. 

His heart is pounding, and the fairy lights overhead are blurring, and the sky is the perfect mix of red and violet and blue and he can’t believe this is actually happening, and he can’t be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a chapter or two to go-don't worry!


	34. December 31, 2015 part II: The Wedding

December 31, Part II: The Wedding

When the music starts, Phil’s heart is pounding. He’s stood at the front of the crowd, near a railing that overlooks the city where lights are just starting to come on for the evening. The sky behind him is on fire to match his nerves, and he’s been trying to stop himself from standing on tiptoe to try and catch a glimpse of Dan.

In the front row he catches sight of his mother and father and grandparents; aunts and uncles as well, and they all offer him excited and reassuring smiles. On the other side are Dan’s family, his father and grandparents and a few other relatives, but its all the people behind these two rows that are most reassuring; all of his friends who aren’t in the wedding party, but whom are equally excited and happy for the both of them; he spots Tyler, Jim and Tanya, and Zoe, Alfie, and Joe. Connor and Troye are there, and Hazel and Jack and Dean and Ben Cook, as well as Felix and Marzia, and PJ’s girlfriend Sophie. Everyone’s happiness acts to calm him, until the music actually begins, and he has to glance to PJ and Martyn next to him for reassurance once again, and receives a nod and smile from both. 

Down the aisle comes Darcy in a pretty silver princess dress, throwing white rose petals from a basket, and Phil is struck by how lovely it is, with the fairy lights above making the glitter in her dress twinkle. He grins, and glances to Louise on Dan’s side, who is already trying not to cry, as Darcy makes her way to sit by her Phil’s mum in the front row, just like they had practiced. Now, Phil’s attention is redirected to the back of the rooftop as everyone stands, and there’s Dan, steering himself between the aisles of chairs, with his Mum by his side. 

Once Phil’s eyes find his, its like the rest of the crowd dies away, and all he can see is Dan, who keeps his eyes locked on Phil’s the whole way down, and Phil has never felt so happy, nor has he ever seen Dan look this way either; in a mix of awe, and love and pure happiness. He thinks the closest the other has come to this expression in the past had been first during their first Skype call, and then when they met in person the very first time. Dan looks amazing, beautiful even, and Phil knows that he’ll barely be able to take his eyes off of the man for the rest of forever, probably. Dan’s suit is the perfect deep black, with shiny satin lapels. The white of his shirt is putting an emphasis on his tanned skin, and he’s got his earrings in, which Phil had secretly missed. His hair is trimmed and looking perfectly tousled, and his eyes are wide and shining, the brown in them seeming to have an enhanced warmth as he approaches.

Dan tries to concentrate on the routine as he makes his way down the aisle, but now that he’s seen Phil, that’s all out the window. Phil is all he can see; all he’ll ever see, he’s sure. He knows that the outdoor space must look beautiful right now, but his eyes are locked to the most beautiful thing, he thinks. Phil looks so tall and slim in his tux, and Dan had scoffed at the idea of blue and black when Phil had suggested it, thinking it would clash, but now that he sees the other man, he decides that its perfect, especially for Phil. The blue makes Phil’s eyes five times as bright, and the black of the shirt makes his pale skin glow, and he’s amazed by the way that Phil looks so amazingly happy. Even all these years later he still has trouble believing that he could possibly be the one to make Phil happy like this, but he’s also beyond questioning it now. As his mind skims over their meeting, and their history together, through the good and the bad, now that he’s nearly at this man’s feet, ready to marry him, he knows that it is the absolute right thing. 

 

As they reach the end of the aisle, Dan’s mum squeezes his hand, snapping him out of his trance momentarily, and he looks up at her to find only love and pride as she nods to him, and he finds himself nodding back, tears forming in his eyes along with hers as he glances over her shoulder to the rest of his family; his Dad is looking proud, and his grandparents equally happy for Dan’s happiness. 

Phil walks forward then, and grasps Mrs.Howell’s outstretched hand, only to be pulled into a sudden tight hug. 

“I know you’ll take care of him because you have all along,” the woman says into his ear, and pulls back to smile a watery smile at Phil as well as she places Phil’s hand into Dan’s, and once again, they only have eyes for each other. With his hand moving to the back of Dan’s shoulder rather than his hand, he helps Dan to wheel the rest of the way, up onto a small ramped platform at the front that will put him at eye level with Phil while the elder stands. Once they’re both ready and facing each other, the officiant finally speaks, and everyone is seated, as Starlight finishes in the background.

“Good Evening, friends, family and loved ones, and welcome to the wedding of groom and groom, Daniel James Howell, and Philip Michael Lester,” the officiant says. She’s a kind, middle aged woman whom had also officiated over their civil partnership months ago, and so they had asked her to do this as well. At the mention of Wedding, Phil can’t help but grin at Dan, grabbing up both of his hands. 

“Dan and Phil would like to acknowledge the presence of those close to them in attendance today; Parents respectively, their grandparents, and siblings, as well as their numerous close friends and co-workers, and acknowledge that they would not be standing her today without all of the continued support.” At this the pair do look away from one-another to grin down into the audience and catch the eyes of their friends standing by their sides. Martyn and PJ are both grinning. On Dan’s side both Louise and Amelia are trying to quell happy tears so as not to ruin their makeup. 

The Officiant speaks again, drawing Dan and Phil’s attention back to each other. 

“I would like to begin this ceremony by quoting part of Plato’s Symposium. ‘Love is our best friend, our helper, and the healer of the ills that prevent us from being happy. To understand the power of love, we must understand that our original human nature was not like it is now, but different. Human beings each had two sets of arms, two sets of legs, and two faces looking in opposite directions. There were three sexes then: one comprised of two men called the children of the Sun, one made of two women called the children of the Earth, and a third made of a man and a woman, called the children of the Moon. Due to the power and might of these original humans, the Gods began to fear that their reign might be threatened. They sought for a way to end the humans’ insolence without destroying them. It was at this point that Zeus divided the humans in half. Each of us when separated, having one side only, is but the indenture of a person, and we are always looking for our other half.’ While this particular bit had been said by Aristophanes, who was actually a comedic playwright at the time, I cannot look at these two men before me and find anything comedic about the passage. Dan and Phil truly function as two halves of a whole; two people cut from the same metaphorical cloth, and as they stand here before us today, I believe that we can all find comfort in the fact that these two truly have found their other half.”

At this its Dan’s turn to grin, because he knows just how true that feels; Phil is his other half in every way. They are so complimentary to each other and always have been, and now they finally get to celebrate it. 

“We all know the story by now,” the officiant says. “How can we not, when its all over the internet; the very place their story began? How Daniel was a fan, and looked up to Phil as a kind of role model. How Phil took notice of Dan’s tweets, and began talking to him, despite the fact that 1) dan was younger by four years and 2) he had no real reason to reply. Phil has told me, however, in the course of our conversations preparing for this day that when he saw Dan’s user profile on twitter, when he looked at that picture, he felt like he had to reply; that he didn’t have a choice but that it seemed as if some force was compelling him. In my mind, I would like to think of that force he felt as fate taking a hand. And while their whole time together has not continued like a romantic comedy— notable tragedy struck on this very day last year, in fact,— they were able to make it through to the other side by continuing to be there for one-another. And so now, we are gathered here to see that faith cemented forever in the bond of marriage. And so now, if you would face one another, and repeat after me:”

Dan and Phil don’t have to move to face they other; they already are, their hearts pounding equally loud in their chests, and their eyes searching each other’s faces. 

“These hands that you hold, are the hands of your best friend, strong and full of love for you, as you promise to continue to love each other from now until forever. These hands will support you; hold you up on the worst times and dry your tears, and they will buoy you; embrace you during the happiness, and hold you with love and tenderness, always.”

Phil feels Dan squeeze his hands, and just by searching his face he knows that its both a silent promise, and a silent thanks. Phil squeezes back. 

By this time the sky has turned a violent shade of violet and blue as the sun is nearly down, and everything on the rooftop terrace is lit by the glow of fairy lights and paper lanterns, which they can see reflected in the other’s eyes. 

“The grooms have now chosen to recite their vows; written for one another with love. Mr. Lester, would you please go first?”

Phil takes a deep breath, clearing his throat and trying to clear his mind; he has never done well in front of crowds. He’s always had to rely on Dan to help him through it, but this time was different. This time it was for Dan, and as he looked at the younger man before him, there was no crowd; only Dan, but that’s not to say this was any easier. They rarely did soppy declarations of love. That had never been ‘them.’ Now though, Phil figures, what better time to get away with it than your own wedding? At the gentle pressure from Dan’s hand in his, he begins. 

“Dan. My bear. Standing here right now I can’t help but think back to 2009. That year has come to have so much significance to so many people because of the internet, but it will always be most significant to me. We were both a bit of a mess back then, weren't we? Both a little broken and scared and unsure of life. I was sure of one thing though, and that was you. Your direct messages got through to me on a rough day in June; I was home from Uni and completely unsure of what to do with my life, and when I clicked reply, it was what I now see as the beginning of my actual life. Meeting you, loving you, building that life with you in such a crazy way that often only makes sense to the two of us, I think; I wouldn’t have done it any other way, and the events of this last year have only made me believe that we are made for each other. I won’t say that I would be nothing without you, because that wouldn’t be true, but I will say that its because of you that I am who I am right now. You take me for all of my weird quirks; the odd socks and restless nights, the cereal stealing and stubbornness, and you allow it. You love me through it, as I love you. I will be with you, always, Dan, if you’ll have me. We can have all of the three hour breakfasts in the world.”

By the end of it, Dan is crying, and nodding up at Phil, as if to say ‘yes, more of those please,’ but he knows that it is not yet his turn to speak affirmative. Phil chuckles at the sight of the young man getting so emotional, and can’t help but reach up and wipe his tears away, as the officiant, her own voice sounding a bit watery, says, “And now Daniel, your vows to Mr. Lester.”

“Um,” Dan begins, willing himself to focus. “Oh god, um, I admit, I didn’t pre-write anything eloquent, so this may just turn into waffle, and I’m sorry. I don’t know how I’m going to follow all of that, thanks Phil.” He’s blushing a bit as a chuckle goes through the audience. “When I went to write my vows, Phil, I couldn’t write anything concrete, and now I think I understand why. Its because while you have all of your silly quirks and habits that I’ve come to expect, and I usually know what you’re going to say before you say it, you’re also unpredictable. You always have been, because I could have never predicted that any of this would happen. I never thought you’d respond to me back then; not in a million years, and yes, maybe that’s partially because I was a pitifully emotional teenager with little self-worth, but you saw worth and value from the beginning, and you spent spent so much time trying to convince me of it.” Dan grins. “And I mean SO MUCH time; I think our Skype record was over seven hours at one point. And from that point on, you’ve never let me believe less of myself; you helped me to figure out who I was, and who I am never wants to be without you. These past seven years, and even in this last year alone, you have made me happier than I had ever hoped to be, and I know that with you by my side forever, it’ll never stop. That happiness will never go away, and neither will my love for you. You are my brave lion man as sappy as that is. I love you Phil. This has all been the most fun I’ve ever had.”

Phil rarely cries. Even after the accident it had taken days and weeks for him to process it all and finally shed some tears. Now though, it comes easy, with Dan in front of him, professing these things; things which both of them already knew, but which neither said allowed very often at all except maybe in the dead of night. Honestly it was the little reminder from their first video, the first time they had really gotten together, that had gotten Phil in the end, but once again he is sobering up as the officiant stands again. 

“Do you have the rings?” She asks, and Phil is turning to Martyn who hands it to him from his pocket, as Dan turns to Louise. 

“Philip, will you take Daniel’s left hand and do as stated?” 

Phil nods, and takes Dan’s hand in his, stroking over his knuckles as he gazes into Dan’s warming eyes, ring held in his other palm. 

“Philip Michael Lester, do you take Daniel James Howell to be your lawfully wedded husband, the have, to hold, to love and cherish forever, no matter what may come?” 

Phil looks Dan deep in the eyes as he answers, willing the sincerity of his words straight into Dan’s core. “I do.” He says, voice low and clear and resolute. 

“And do you Daniel James Howell, take Philip Michael Lester as your lawfully wedded husband, to have, to hold, to love and cherish forever, no matter what may come?”

Dan looks straight into Phil’s eyes; the blue orbs that have offered him so much safety and comfort and happiness over the years, and as he speaks, there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that he means it. “I do.”

“You may then exchange rings,” says the officiant, and Phil, who is still holding Dan’s left hand in his, slides the ring onto Dan’s finger, fighting the urge to place a quick kiss there before Dan is grabbing for Phil’s hand as well to place the other ring. They’re both simple, matching bands of brushed white gold that will go with both of their engagement rings, which they plan to continue wearing as well because of their sentimental meaning. 

When Dan looks up, Phil is grinning is lopsided grin, looking down still at both of their hands together, and Dan is struck with such tenderness. He makes up his mind on the thing he had been debating over the past few weeks, and decides that yes, he can do it, with Phil there to help him. 

“By the power invested in my by the crown and governance of England, I now pronounce you, groom and groom, Philip Lester and Dan Howell, to be wedded in the eyes of the law and the hearts of men. You may now kiss.”

Phil’s grin is radiant as he steps forward, and before Dan knows its out of his mouth, he’s exclaiming “wait!”

Phil pauses, confused, and Dan looks up to him, offering him a reassuring smile. “Hold on. Phil, help me down?” he asks, as he turns his chair, letting Phil steady it as he wheels down the small platform ramp.

“Dan, what are you..”

Dan spins his chair to face Phil again, and holds out his hands. “Phil, trust me okay? Take my arms.”

Still confused, and a bit worried, Phil does as he’s told, realizing what Dan is trying to do. “Phil you’ve supported me forever now, and if you can, I want you to support me one more time, okay? I’m going to stand, but I’ll need to lean on you. I trust you, okay? You need to trust me, here.”

Phil nods. Dan wouldn’t be trying this if he weren’t sure, and Phil had carried Dan often enough recently to know that if he needed to, he could support Dan’s weight. 

Bracing himself by holding onto Phil’s elbows and allowing Phil to take half of the weight, Dan slowly places his feet on the floor, which take a bit of mental effort as he commands the disused muscles to work. When he’s ready he pushes himself forward and up out of the chair completely, and wraps his arms around Phil’s shoulders as Phil grasps his waist, supporting him upright just as the metal mechanism at physical therapy would. Dan grins, feeling triumphant and fully alive as he’s able to stand his full height and look into Phil’s eyes properly. “Now you can kiss me,” he says, leaning forward, and Phil absolutely does meet him halfway, arms wrapping tighter around Dan as he allows every emotion of the past year, of the past seven years into that kiss, surprised at how happy he is to have Dan standing properly in his arms, even if he is supporting most of the younger’s weight. Things would only continue to get better. 

After a moment, they become less oblivious to the applause and cheers around them, and break apart, grinning at each other, and then out at their loved ones. Dan is grinning so much he thinks his face may get stuck that way, but he doesn’t care. Phil lowers him slowly back into his chair, and finds his hand again, as they face the crowd to begin their walk together back down the aisle.

“Introducing, Mr. and Mr. Howell-Lester,” Says the officiant loudly, as everyone begins the applause anew.

Dan glances up over his shoulder catching Phil’s eye. “Howell-Lester,” he says, with the glint of a laugh in his gaze, recalling the airport incident of a few months ago. 

“Actually shut up,” Phil says, turning red, but he’s secretly pleased. They get to share a last name now, for real, just like they share everything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there's what we've all been waiting for! Thank you all so much for reading and supporting this story. It has definitely been an emotional ride. 
> 
> There will be an epilogue coming, and possibly some one-shots to follow. 
> 
> Again, thank you to everyone who has read, commented, or given kudos. Feel free to find me on tumblr at Al-0-homora and let me know if you have any one-shot ideas for this au. I hope that this wedding scene did this story justice in your eyes.
> 
> -A


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